Bancul Zilei

realista4ever

Dear wife:

I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.

Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don't tell me you love me anymore; you don't want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me anymore; whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband
P.S. don't try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

realista4ever

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.

It's true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn't work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me.

So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!

P.S. I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl.

I hope that's not a problem.

SweetFoxy

neatzza si un pupic pentru toti :*

realista4ever

Niste politisti sunt anuntati ca într-o încapere se afla cel mai cautat hot. Capitanul catre locotenenti:
- Blocati toate iesirile sa nu cumva sa scape hotul.
- Da sefu’!
Dupa 2 ore:
- Ati prins hotul? întreaba capitanul.
- Nu, sefu’!
- De ce ba, prostilor, nu v-am spus sa blocati toate iesirile?
- Ba da, dar a scapat pe la intrare…

gyovy

neatza buna!

realista4ever

- De ce se rupe o banca cand se aseaza un politist pe ea?
- Cine e mai destept cedeaza primul…

Efe

neatza si voua:).:*:*

25

A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"

"I'm positive." replied the atom.

25

What do a blonde and a beer bottle have in common?

They're both empty from the neck up.

25

A gorilla walks into a  bar and says, "A scotch on the rocks, please." The gorilla hands the bartender a $10 bill.

The bartender thinks to himself, "This gorilla doesn't know the prices of drinks," and gives him 15 cents change.

The bartender says, "You know, we don't get too many gorillas in here."

The gorilla replies, "Well, at $9.85 a drink, I ain't coming back, either."

25

A social worker from a big city in Massachusetts recently transferred to the Mountains of North Carolina and Georgia and was on the first tour of her new territory when she came upon the tiniest cabin she had ever seen in her life.

Intrigued, she went up and knocked on the door. ‘Anybody home?’ she asked. ‘Yep,’ came a kid’s voice through the door.

‘Is your father there?’ asked the social worker.
‘Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in,’ said the kid.

‘Well, is your mother there?’ persisted the social worker.
‘Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here,’ said the kid.

‘But,’ protested the social worker, ‘are you never together as a family?’

‘Sure, but not here,’ said the kid through the door, this is our outhouse!”

musilica

o zi mai buna! :)

25

A visitor from Holland was chatting with his American friend
and was jokingly explaining about the red, white and blue in
the Netherlands flag.

"Our flag symbolizes our taxes," he said.  "We get red when
we talk about them, white when we get our tax bill, and blue
after we pay them."

"That's the same with us," the American said, "only we see
stars, too."

gyovy

- Mi-am cumpărat un ceas electronic, îi povesteşte o nimfomană prietenei sale.
- De ce? Ceasul vechi nu mai mergea bine?
- Ba da, dar eu m-am săturat de limbi, acum vreau numere.

25

These two country boys, brothers, were knocking around one
lazy summer day and thought it would be a good prank to push
over the outhouse. They crept up from an advantageous
direction like a couple of commandos, pushed the outhouse
over on one side and headed for the woods. They circled round
and returned home an hour later from a completely different
direction thus, trying to divert suspicion from themselves.
Upon returning, their father approached them with switch in
hand and bellowed, "Did you two push the outhouse over this
afternoon?"
The older boy replied, "As learned in school, I cannot tell a lie.
Yes, Father, we pushed over the outhouse this afternoon."
At this revalation, the farmer proceeded to flail the two boys
severely and sent them to bed without supper.
In the morning, the two boys meekly approached the brekfast
table and took their seats. Everything was quiet until their
father finally said, "Have you two learned your lesson?"
"Sure, Dad!" said the big brother, "But, in school we learned
that George Washington admitted to HIS father that he'd
chopped down a cherry tree and he was forgiven because he
told the truth."
"Ah yes!' said the farmer, "BUT, George's DAD, wasn't in the
cherry tree when he chopped it down!!!"

25

A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail. In court the next week,the judge asked the best man what happened.
"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."
"That must have hurt," said the judge.
"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."

=)))))))))))))

SweetFoxy

Teacher: What is the axis of the earth?

Student: The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher: Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student: Yes, Sir.

Teacher: Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

gyovy

Tatăl îi spune fiului:
- E timpul să te descurci singur, doar n-ai pretenţia ca maică-ta să ne întreţină pe amîndoi.

SweetFoxy

Q: How do you scare a man?
A: Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.

rozalia1

Salut Sfintii, Dracii,Miisterioasele, Misteriosii, Florile, Culorile, Plantele, Fructele, Literele, Cifrele,Realistele, Imaginarele,Fenomene meteo- terestre, Animalele domestice si salbatice, Pasarile, Orasele, nikko, va zic buna dimineata la miezul noptii !

SweetFoxy

Q: Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is handsome, a good lover and a stimulating partner?
A: In the pages of a romance novel

musilica

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver, Colorado, for being smart and funny and making her point when confronted with an angry passenger. During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore, "F--- you!"

Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The crowd applauded - and the errors of United were forgotten in a moment of almost universal bliss.

SweetFoxy

Dating hints for gentlemen

There are lots of ways to ruin a date. Here are a few things NOT to say on a date...

I really don't like this restaurant that much, but I wanted to use this 2-for-1 coupon before it expired.

I refuse to get cable. That's how they keep tabs on you.

I used to come here all the time with my ex.

Could you excuse me? My cat gets lonely if he doesn't hear my voice on the answering machine every hour.

I really feel that I've grown in the past few years. Used to be I wouldn't have given someone like you a second look.

It's been tough, but I've come to accept that most people I date just won't be as smart as I am.

SweetFoxy

What is the thinnest book in the world?
What men know about women!

SweetFoxy

How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know - it's never happened

SweetFoxy

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did

SweetFoxy

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

SweetFoxy

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

SweetFoxy

If Men Were to Rewrite "The Rules"

Rule # 1 Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule # 2 If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule # 3 It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule # 4 You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done -- not both.

Rule # 5 Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule # 6 Christopher Columbus didn't need directions and neither do we.

Rule # 7 When we're turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying "This is our exit" is not necessary

SweetFoxy

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want

SweetFoxy

A woman worries about the ****** until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the ****** until he gets a wife

SweetFoxy

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all

Carboplex

Naaaaaaaaaaaaa Ziuaaaaaaaaaaaa............aaaaaaaaaaapppppp!!!!

SweetFoxy

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

SweetFoxy

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

SweetFoxy

unde sunteti toti? din nou.....

SweetFoxy

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument

SweetFoxy

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & aft

gyovy

Un român i se confesează unui american:
- La noi, în România, maşinile de splălat sînt foarte ifetine. Din păcate, mai trebuie din cînd în cînd să faci sex cu ele.

SweetFoxy

Reasons Why a Christmas Tree Is Better Than a Woman"

A Christmas tree doesn't care how many other Christmas trees you have had in the past.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you have an artificial one in the closet.

When you are done with a Christmas tree you can throw it on the curb and have it hauled away.

A Christmas tree doesn't get jealous around other Christmas trees.

A Christmas tree doesn't care if you watch football all day.

A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you tie it up and throw it in the back of your pickup truck

SweetFoxy

Yo mama has one leg and a bicycle

SweetFoxy

Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tounge is in jail

SweetFoxy

A person receives a telegram informing him about his mother-in-law's death. It also enquires whether she should be buried or burnt.

He replies, "Don't take chances. Burn the body and bury the ashes."

SweetFoxy

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"

SweetFoxy

If it's true that girls are inclined to marry men like their fathers, it is understandable why so many mothers cry so much at weddings.

rozalia1

A sosit  ene ... noapte buna !

SweetFoxy

My Dearest Susan,

Sweetie of my heart. I've been so desolate ever since I broke off our engagement. Simply devastated. Won't you please consider coming back to me? You hold a place in my heart no other woman can fill. I can never marry another woman quite like you. I need you so much. Won't you forgive me and let us make a new beginning? I love you so.

Yours always and truly,
John

P.S. Congratulations on you winning the state lottery

SweetFoxy

mi-e somn... ^0^

gyovy

Care sînt cuvintele pe care un bărbat le detestă cel mai mult să le audă în timp ce face dragoste?
- Iubituleee!... Am sosit.... M-am întors acasă!…

SweetFoxy

va las pe voi sa mai continuati...ma intreb ce am sa visez in noaptea asta :3
inca 100 de pupicuri pentru fiecare :*:*:*:*:*...s.a.m.d :3



(daca e cineva suparat, imi cer scuze...nu cred ca e online acum...)

musilica

50 Fun Things to do at an Exam

1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.

2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"

3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.

4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.

5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.

6. Bring cheerleaders.

7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you? Where's the regular guy?"

8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max level.

9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.

10. Bring pets.

musilica

11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.

12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas." If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.

13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.

14. Come into the exam wearing a pair of birkenstocks, and nothing else.

15. Come down with a BAD case of Tourette's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.

16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.

17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.

18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.

19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.

20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.

musilica

21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.

22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB, BABE, etc..).

23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.

24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Screw this!" and walk out triumphantly.

25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink).

26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).

27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"

28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.

29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would

gyovy

Nu există bărbaţi impotenţi, ci doar femei nerăbdătoare.

musilica

eh, bine...30 Fun Things to do at an Exam, 50 e mult chiar si pentru mine :))

musilica

30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.

gyovy

La închisoarea de femei:
- Fetelor, am două veşti: una rea şi una bună. Pe care o vreţi prima?
- Pe cea bună...
- Mîine vă dăm morcovi...
- Uraaaa! Şi aia rea?
- Raşi…

gyovy

Toate ciupercile sînt comestibile. Măcar o dată.

gyovy

Un om în deşert vede o fîntînă şi strigă:
- Apă, apă, apăăăăăăă!
Imediat iese unu' din fîntînă şi zice:
- Unde, unde?

gyovy

Cică un tip vizitează o fabrică de diverse produse din latex. Prima dată a remarcat maşina de produs biberoane, datorită zgomotului de "fssss-pac" pe care îl făcea. Ghidul explică:
- Acel fîsîit este cauciucul pe care-l injectează, iar "pac"-ul este dat de înţepătura care i se face în vîrf.
Ceva mai incolo intră în secţia de produs prezervative. Un zgomot infernal şi aici: "fsss-fsss-fsss-pac". Intrigat, omul nostru întreabă:
- Bine-bine, am înţeles de ce face "fsss", dar de ce se mai aude şi "pac"?
- Normal, aparatul funcţionează ca şi cel de produs biberoane, la al patrulea prezervativ îi trage o gaură.
- Asta-i bună! Daţi găuri la prezervative?
- Da! Face bine la afacerea cu biberoane!

gyovy

- Mămico, dă-mi şi mie voie să înot în bazinul acela mare.
- Nu se poate, apa e foarte adîncă, e periculos.
- Dar tata de ce are voie?
- Tata e asigurat.

gyovy

Ion şi Maria la restaurant:
- Ioane, aşa-i că nu-i frumos să-mi sug măseaua?
- Nu, fă!
- Atunci ****-mi-o tu!

gyovy

neatza Nikko;
Gyovy şi Nikko în noaptea nunţii. Nikko stătea în pat, într-o ţinută sexy, şi îl aştepta pe Gyovy, care se uita pe fereastră. Aşteaptă ea o jumătate de oră, după care îi spune:
- Hai, mă Gyovy, ce faci acolo?
- Stai, fă, că vin acu!
Încă o jumate de oră şi Nikko zice:
- Hai, mă Gyovy, că te aştept! Sînt numai a ta! Ia-mă!
- Ho, fă, că vin acu, ce te grăbeşti aşa?
Peste înca o jumate de oră, Nikko se duce la Gyovy, supărată:
- Hai, mă, ce naiba faci acolo?
Gyovy, îngîndurat, uitîndu-se în continuare pe fereastră, spune:
- Auzi,ma Nikko, aveau dreptate aia de pe Diseara cand spuneau că-i frumoasă noaptea nunţii!

gyovy

Unde strîng cel mai tare chiloţii de damă? La încheietura mîinii.

gyovy

De ce îşi "botează" bărbaţii penisurile? Le place să se tutuiască cu cel cu care iau cele mai importante decizii!

gyovy

De ce nu se poate face o femeie măcelar? Pentru că, cum pune mîna pe carne, se face os!

gyovy

Recent s-a efectuat un sondaj pe plan mondial. Întrebarea a fost: "Vă rugăm să ne spuneţi opinia dumneavoastră în legătură cu lipsa de alimente din restul lumii." Sondajul a fost un eşec total:
- în Africa nu ştiau ce înseamnă "alimente";
- în Europa de Vest nu ştiau ce înseamnă "lipsă";
- în Europa de Est nu ştiau ce înseamnă "opinie";
- în America de Sud nu ştiau ce înseamnă "vă rugăm";
- în S.U.A. nu ştiau ce înseamnă "restul lumii".

gyovy

Care este cel mai periculos loc din lume? Patul. Acolo mor 80% dintre oameni.

gyovy

ce este alb cu gri,are coada si zboara in zig-zag?Eu cand... imi este somn!

misterra

www .neuronu. ro/funny/camera-ascunsa-pe-sub-masa/

Just be aware, you never know ;))))

misterra

Three Samurai were taking their last swordsmanship test with their Master. In front of each was a small box. The master approached the first Samurai and opened the box and out came a fly. In one fluid motion the sword swept thru the air, and into the box fell the fly - cut in half. The master replied “You are a true Samurai”
He moved to the second Samurai and opened the box. Out came the fly and in two slashes of the shinny sword four pieces of the fly fell back into the box. “Impressive” said the Master, “you are a true Samurai”
The Master opened the third box, and a flurry of activity the fly flew away and out the window. The Master scowled - “You have much to learn… the fly got away” To that, the Samurai replied: “Perhaps, but he will not be reproducing baby flies….”

misterra

The balloon family are in bed, during the night there’s a thunder storm and the baby balloon is scared so he goes to his parents room and tries to squeeze in their bed.

It’s tiny so he lets some air out of his dad but still can’t get in so he lets some air out of his mum but he still can’t get in.

Desperate needs, he lets a lot of air out of himself and then fits in.

In the morning his dad is furious.

He says “Son you’ve let me down, you’ve let your Mum down, but most of all you’ve let yourself down”.

misterra

Walking through the woods, a man comes upon another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against it. He asks, “Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you doing?”

“I’m listening to the music of this tree.”

“You’ve gotta be kidding.”

“No, not at all! Would you like to give it a try?”

“Well, this is really stupid, but…, okay ..” So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against it. The other man immediately slaps a set of handcuffs on him, takes his wallet, jewellery and car keys, then strips him naked and leaves.

Two hours later, another nature lover strolls by, sees this man handcuffed to the tree naked and asked, “What the hell happened to you?”

He tells the guy the whole story about how he got there. While he was regaling his plight, the newcomer is shaking his head in sympathy, circling him. When the handcuffed man is finished talking, the second man walks around behind him, kisses him behind the ear and says, “This just isn’t your day, is it, Sugar!”

=)))))

misterra

How to be annoying online

1 Make up fake acronyms. Online veterans like to use abbreviations like IMHO (in my humble opinion) or RTFM (read the fucking manual) to show that they’re “hep” to the lingo. Make up your own that don’t stand for anything (SETO, BARL, CP30), use them liberally, and then refuse to explain what they stand for (”You don’t know that? RTFM”) =)))

2 WRITE YOUR MESSAGES IN ALL CAPS AND DON’T USE RETURNS SO THAT EVERYONE HAS TO SCROLL ACROSS THEIR SCREENS TO READ EVERY LINE. ALSO USE A LOT OF !!!!! TO SHOW THAT YOU’RE EXCITED ABOUT BEING HERE!

3 When replying to your mail, correct everyone’s grammar and spelling and point out their typos, but don’t otherwise respond to the content of their messages. when they respond testily to your “creative criticism,” do it again. Continue until they go away  =))) As putea sa dau exemple peste exemple... dar IMI PLACE AICI SI NU VREAU SA PLEC!!! ;))

4 Software and files offered online are often “compressed” so that they won’t take so long to travel over the phone lines. Buy a compression program and compress everything you send, including one-word e-mail responses like “Thanks"

5 Upload text files with Bible passages about sin or guilt and give them names like “SexyHousewivesI,” then see how many people download it. Challenge your friends to come up with the most popular come-ons

6 cc: all your e-mail to Dick Cheney (vice.president[at]whitehouse.gov) so that he can keep track of what’s happening on the Internet

7 Join a discussion group and tie whatever’s being discussed back to an unrelated central theme. For instance, if you’re in a discussion of gun control, respond to every message with the observation that those genetically superior tomatoes seem to have played an important role. Within days, all discussion of gun control will have ceased as people write you threatening messages and instruct others to ignore you

Cine mai are si alte secrete pe tema asta, poate sa le impartaseasca ;))

sanmarco

Azi e 14 mai!

gyovy

Cine este medicul absolut? Cel al cărui halat are capacitatea de a primi şi plicuri nestandardizate.

gyovy

Ce este imposibilul absolut? Cînd greva minerilor încurcă ceremonia de împărţire a diplomelor poliţiştilor.

gyovy

Cine este optimistul absolut? Acela care îşi aşteaptă soţia în faţa supermarketului cu motorul pornit.

gyovy

Cîte minute a domnit Ştefan cel Mare? 7 minute (între 14:57 şi 15:04).

nikko

Furnicutza... harnicutza!

In fiecare zi, in zorii zilei, sosea la serviciu său, furnicuţa productivă şi fericită.
Acolo îşi petrecea zilele furnicuţa, muncea, muncea cu spor şi cânta veselă.
BONDARUL, Director General, la firma unde lucra furnicuţa, a considerat că nu era posibil ca furnicuţa să lucreze de capul ei, aşa că a creat postul de Supraveghetor. Pentru acesta l-a angajat pe SCARABEU, care avea multă experienţă.
Prima preocupare a Scarabeului supraveghetor a fost să organizeze munca furnicuţei, şi a pus-o să facă rapoarte de activitate zilnice.
Aşa că au angajat o PĂIANJENIŢĂ care organiza actele şi răspundea la telefon.
Între timp, furnica productivă şi fericită muncea, muncea, muncea...
BONDARUL, Directorul General era foarte mulţumit de rapoartele date de SCARABEU, aşa că a mai cerut statistici, indicatoare de gestiune şi pronostice.
Atunci a fost nevoie de angajarea unui GĂNDAC asistent pentru Supraveghetor.
...şi a mai fost nevoie de un nou calculator şi o imprimantă color.
***ând, furnicuţa productivă şi fericită a inceput să se plângă, de toată hârţogăria şi toate rapoartele pe care trebuia să le facă.
Cântecul ei nu mai era la fel de vesel ca înainte.
BONDARUL, Directorul General, văzând aceasta a considerat că trebuia să ia măsuri.
Aşa că, a creat postul de Şef De Departament, acolo unde lucra furnicuţa productivă şi fericită.
Postul i-a revenit unui GREIER, care şi-a făcut un birou nou, modern şi echipat corespunzător.
Noul şef de departament, avea nevoi de un asistent, care să îl ajute in pregătirea planului strategic şi al bugetului pentru departamentul la care lucra furnicuţa productivă şi fericită.
FURNICUŢA nu mai cînta ca inainte şi era din ce în ce mai stresată.

nikko

Într-o zi, Directorul General, uitându-se pe cifre, şi-a dat seama că departamentul unde lucra furnicuţa, nu mai era la fel de rentabil ca înainte.
Aşa că a angajat-o pe BUFNIŢĂ, consultant de specialiatate, pentru un diagnostic.
BUFNIŢA a stat 3 luni la firmă, în urma studiilor făcute a tras următoarea concluzie: “Departamentul are prea mult personal..”
Aşa că urmând sfatul specialistului s-a făcut o reducere de personal. si ghiciti...
....FURNICUŢA a fost prima pe listă, deoarece era nemulţumită mereu...


Morala: Nici să nu-ţi treacă prin cap să fi o furnicuţă productivă şi fericită. E de preferat să fi incompetent şi nefolositor. Incompetenţii nu au nevoie de supraveghetori..., toată lumea işi dă seama de ce. Şi dacă, în ciuda “eforturilor” tale eşti productiv, să nu arăţi, pentru nimic în lume că eşti fericit. Asta nu ţi se va ierta!
Dar dacă, in ciuda celor de mai sus, te încăpăţânezi să fi o FURNICUŢĂ PRODUCTIVĂ ŞI FERICITĂ, lucrează pe cont propriu, astfel incât să nu ţii in cârcă bondari, scarabei, paienjeni, gândaci, greieri şi bufniţe in felul ăsta...

nikko

John este adus in fata trinbunalului, sub acuzatia de contrabanda cu bauturi alcoolice.
- Priviti la acest om, spune avocatul apararii, adresindu-se juratilor.
Priviti ce figura de betiv impatimit are.
Credeti domniile voastre ca unul ca el ar vinde o sticla de whisky, daca ar avea-o?

nikko

Vine intr-o zi Dumnezeu si cu Sf. Petru la Bula, si ii spun ca ii pot indeplini trei dorinte.
- Da' ia' aminte, Bula, ca soacra ta va avea de doua ori mai mult din orice iti doresti tu. Deci ?
- Ia, Doamne, vreu si eu un conacel, acolo, cu 100 mp, teren, piscina, etc. PAC ! Apare intr-o clipa un casoi urias, cu piscina, teren de tenis, etc. Alaturi, apare un casoi de doua ori mai urias, cu doua piscine, etc.
Vede Bula, se face verde...
- A doua dorinta, Bula ! Nu foarte covins si inca sovaind, Bula zice :
- Da-mi, Doamne, $ 10 milioane. Apar imprejur pungi cu bani peste tot. Pe proprietetea de alaturi, la soacra-sa, apare un munte de doua ori mai mare de bani. Bula transpira, se face rosu ca racu'...
- Mai ai inca o singura dorinta de indeplinit, gandeste-te bine !
Bula:
- Doamne, mi-a ajuns. NU MAI VREAU NIMIC.
- Hai, Bula, ca nu o sa mai asa o ocazie a doua oara in viata...
- Nu, nu, nu !
- Te mai intreb ultima data...
Sta Bula si se gandeste profund :
- Doamne, bate-ma pana sunt pe jumatate mort !

nikko

Naste nevasta tiganului. Disperat, acesta fuge sa aduca doctorul. Doctorul intra in casa tiganului unde era intuneric bezna si ii cere acestuia sa aprinda o lampa mai aproape de piranda ca sa o poata mosi. Incepe nasterea. Doctorul incepe si scoate 1,2,3,4 copii.
Disperat, tiganul (care mai avea 4 puradei) exclama:
- Dom`doctor, mai bine stingem lampa ca astia trag la lumina ca mustele.

nikko

.-Stii ca m-am maritat?
-Serios? Cu cine?
-Cu un marinar. E plecat unsprezece luni pe an.
-Saraca de tine, cum trebuie sa suferi...
-Nu, o luna trece atat de repede...

nikko

buna dimineata gyovy!!!

nikko si gyovy dupa prima confruntare...
- Iubito, daca as fi stiut ca esti virgina poate ca nu m-as fi grabit asa de tare.
- Iubitule, daca as fi stiut ca te grabesti asa de tare poate ca mi-as fi scos chilotii...

1314vali

Alinuta: Mama, mama nu mai vreau la psihiatru!
Mama: Nu ma intereseaza ce vrei tu, vreau sa stiu de ce plangi de fiecare data cand te bat.

Efe

buna ziua lume!:*

gyovy

De ce nu poartă vrăjitoarele chiloţi? Ca să se ţină mai bine pe matură.

gyovy

De unde vine denumirea produsului O.B.? Cînd îl bagi e "oooooooo!", dar cînd îl scoţi e "beeeeeeeee!".

Chuucky

Cica in Caracal in fata unui bloc cu 10 etaje, un oltean cosea linistit iarba… hrrrsssht… hrrrsssht… Deodata apare in zbor un deltaplan, care purtat de o pala de vand se izbeste de bloc pe la etajul 6-7 si se prabuseste in fata lui.
Zice olteanul, scarbit : ” Tara de ****t , atentate de ****t !”

gyovy

Cum să faci o manea de succes în 10 paşi simpli:
PASUL 1
Nume de baştan (Elvis, Florin Fermecătoru', Englezu', etc.).
PASUL 2
Incultură generală obligatorie.
PASUL 3
IQ mai mic decît numărul de la pantofi. Cîştigarea unui loc în categoria proşti, dar mulţi.
PASUL 4
Posesie (sau achiziţionare pe parcurs) limuzină, castel, faraoancă şi boraci (puradei).
PASUL 5
Rude-n puşcărie.
PASUL 6
Imagine
I. Bijuterii - lanţ, ghiul şi brăţară de aur - mai mult de jumătate din greutatea corporală.
II. Freza - 2 părţi gel, o parte păr.
III. Hainele - cît mai strălucitoare şi de prost gust.
a. Cămaşă (albă sau neagră).
b. Pantaloni (preferabil negri).
c. Pantofi de lac.
d. Vestă, manta sau capă.
PASUL 7
I. Versuri
Vocabular obligatoriu: bani, duşmani, ţigani, golani, femei, fetiţe, prinţesă, băutură, dolari, aur, parai, lovele, milionar, Mercedes, celular, inimă, suflet, Dumnezeu, viaţă, valoare.
Interjecţii : oooooooof, ah, sha-la-la, cicalaca-cichicha, etc.
II. Sînt admise:
a. greşeli gramaticale;
b. verbe - conjugare şi acord;
c. substantive - plural la alegere;
d. greşeli de tipul "la toţi", "lu' copilu' meu" şi din seria "casă" - "aş vrea ca să te regăsesc";
e. versuri albe;
f. rime cu acelaşi cuvînt;
g. metafore duse la extrem ("floarea florilor", "sugativă-n portofel");
h. cuvinte străine ("bambina", "ragazza", etc.).
PASUL 8
Subiecte
I. iubirea
a. relaţiile
1. cu mai multe femei
2. reuşite
3. nereuşite (vezi părăsire)
b. părăsire
1. pentru altul/alta (merge şi homo)
2. pentru bani
3. pentru ambele
4. moarte
II. familia
a. copiii
b. nevasta
c. fratele
d. bunăstare, părăsire sau laudă
III. banii
a. deţinerea lor în cantităţi exagerate
b. risipă firească
c. invidia celorlalţi
IV. laudă proprie (bogăţie, bunăstare, performanţe sexuale, sex-appeal, performanţe muzicale)

gyovy

PASUL 9
Melodia
I. instrumente consacrate
a. acordeon
b. orgă proastă
c. instrument de suflat
d. tobe de sintetizator cu generozitate
II. voce
a. opţională şi/sau chinuită
b. ecou
c. accent obligatoriu
d. rap inclus
III. originalitate facultativă
PASUL 10
Videoclip
I. mişcări necesare (pentru manelist)
a. stînga-dreapta (maxim doi paşi)
b. pocnire din degete
c. zîmbet cuceritor
II. 15-20 de fete dotate care să-şi agite echipamentul
III. decor prost (sau inexistent)
IV. lumini cît mai colorate
V. cîteva maşini decapotabile în care să cînte barosanu'.

Chuucky

O doamna in varsta monologheaza intr-un troleibuz, tintuind cu privirea un tanar :
- Tinerii din ziua de azi nu mai au nici pic de respect, sunt total lipsiti de educatie, de cei sapte ani de-acasa…
Tanarul suporta fara cracnire, insa la coborare, enervat, ii spune:
- ***** batrana!
- Nu va enervati doamna, intervine un batranel, ca si pe mine dupa 20 de ani ma striga tot “domnu’ avocat”.

sanmarco

Buna ziua la toti!

gyovy

Cum îşi aleg chinezii numele viitorului copil? Dau drumul unui lighean pe scări şi notează ce aud.

Chuucky

I: De ce rechinii nu ataca avocatii?
R: Din colegialitate.

Chuucky

EA: Voi barbatii n-ati opri nici in ruptul capului sa intrebati care e drumul. mai bine pierdeti 2 ore pe drum in plus!
EL: Pierdem noi doua ore dar recuperam la parcarea cu spatele….

gyovy

Cum se definesc sentimentele contradictorii? Dacă îţi vezi soacra în maşina ta cea nouă pe punctul să cadă într-o prăpastie...