Bancul Zilei

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Donald Trump tocmai a anuntat ca are in plan sa construiasca un zid anti-imigranti de-a lungul coastei Oceanului Atlantic.
A hotarat asta, dupa ce a auzit ca exista un barbat pe nume Isus, care poate merge pe apa...

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El: Ce vrei anul acesta de Craciun? Brad sau molid?
Ea: Pinul si Cardul.

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Un p.enis cu adevarat bun nu trebuie sa fie pana la genunchi , ci pana la buric...

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I invited my girlfriend to go to the gym with me, then I didn't show...
I hope she gets the message that we aren't working out.

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Sotul citeste ziarul si exclama:
-Eu nu pot sa cred in ereditate!
-De ce? intreaba sotia.
-Pai mama ta era muta!

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- De ce-si taie barbatii cheli buzunarele laterale de la pantaloni?
- Ca sa-si poata trece mainile prin par...

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Te indragostesti.
Bei ca sa sarbatoresti!
Te paraseste.
Bei ca sa uiti!
Iti lipseste.
Bei ca sa nu te mai gandesti!
Morala: Nu esti indragostit, esti un alcoolic!

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Ea: ”- Iubitule, de ce nu-mi spui niciodată ceva romantic?”
Eu: ”- Oi fi tu grasă, dar ești grasa mea.”
Așa e cu femeile, uneori trebuie să le arăți latura ta sensibilă...

realista4ever

- Am învăţat ieri la şcoală ca apa nu are nici miros, nici gust, nici culoare, dar nu este adevărat - spune Bulă mamei sale.
- De ce spui asta?
- Pentru că am pus ieri două cănuțe de apă în berea lui taică-miu şi a observat imediat...

realista4ever

Merge Leul prin pădure, dă peste Vulpe și o ia de gât:
- Ia zi, Vulpe, cine e regele animalelor??
Vulpea, sufocându-se:
- Tttuuu esssști…
Leul aruncă Vulpea cât colo și merge mai departe… și dă peste un lup.
Ii da doua labe si-l zvarle cat-colo.
- Cine e, ba, regele animalelor, ha???
- Tu esti, Leule, tu esti…
Leul il lasa si pe sarmanul Lup in pace si merge mai departe,
intalnindu-se cu Elefantul:
- Ia zi Elefantule, cine e regele animalelor??
Elefantul il apuca frumusel cu trompa și da de trei ori cu el de pamant.

Leul, intins lat si abia sufland: - Eh, bine, daca nu stii… nu stii, asta e !

realista4ever

Cum definesc romanii munca?
-Pauza dintre tigari…

realista4ever

O judecatoare de la Tribunalul Municipiului Bucuresti se plange ca in timpul furtunii de ieri s-a trezit cu o vila in curte.

maryjan

neata

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- Frumoaso, ce ti-a adus Mosu'?
- Nimic. Nu mai sunt cu el!

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When I was a teenager, I used to pray every night that the girl next door would fancy me so that I could make love to her.
When I grew up, I realised that God didn't work like that, so I raped her and prayed for forgiveness.

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Whats the difference between a rocker and a jazzman?
A rocker plays 4 chords in front of 4000 people and a jazzman plays 4000 chords in front of 4 people.

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Conspiracy theories are like moon landings.
They're all fake.

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What's the difference between my di.ck and my jokes?
Women don't laugh at my jokes.

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My ex girlfriend was an absolute treasure.
I say this because just like treasure, you'll probably need a map and a shovel to find her.

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I thought of having a threesome.
But then I realized that if I wanted to disappoint two people at one time I might as well have dinner with my parents.

One day these two best friends, Jay and Bob, were walking down the forest when suddenly a giant snake jumped on Jay's leg and bit his d.ick. Since no one was around for miles, Bob called a hospital and told the doctor "Quick !Quick! I need your help ! My friend got bit by a snake on his p.enis" The doctor told him "Son, your gonna have to s.uck the venom out yourself" Bob asked" Please,doctor,there has to be another way to get rid of the venom!" The doctor says "Sorry, there's nothing we can do" So Bob goes running to his friend and when he gets there Jay says with pain " So, what did the doctor say?" Bob says" Doctor said your gonna die..."

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"Tot ceea ce vine usor,se duce usor."
Mai putin kilogramele in plus, banuiesc...

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S-ar putea sa fii roman daca...dai "na-na" la masa, dupa ce s-a lovit copilul cu capul de ea.

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- Moșule, cum îi mai bine să mă însor, mai devreme sau mai târziu?
- Măi băiete, mai devreme sau mai târziu, tot o să-ți pară rău.

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Doi prieteni, la o cârciumă:
-De ce să-mi cumpăr maşină, dacă toţi prietenii mei au şi mă pot servi?!
-Asta i-am spus şi eu soţiei tale, când m-a întrebat de ce nu mă însor!

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.
"Let's have s.ex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.
"Let's have s.ex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.
"Let's have s.ex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.
"Let's have s.ex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have *** with it again," said the necrophile.
"Let's have s.ex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have s.ex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.
There was silence, and then the masochist said: "Meow."

You Know What Is The Difference Between Girls Aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58, 68?
At 8: “You Take Her To Bed And Tell Her A Story”
At 18: “You Tell Her A Story And Take Her To Bed”
At 28: “You Don’t Need To Tell Her A Story To Take Her To Bed”
At 38: “She Tells You A Story And Takes You To Bed”
At 48: “You Tell Her A Story To Avoid Going To Bed”
At 58: “You Stay In Bed To Avoid Her Story”
At 68: “If You Take Her To Bed, That’ll Be A Story“

If you rearrange the letters in the words Faith and Religion, you can make "Microwave."

No, don't test it or question it, just believe me.

What do prison and the Caps Lock button have in common?

They both turn "o" into an "O".