Joke of the Day

maryjan

neata

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"Yesterday, my wife left me for my best friend"
"Who is your best friend?"
"Robert"
"Since when is Robert your best friend?"
"Yesterday."

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I love the way the Earth rotates.
It really makes my day.

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Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day the farmer drove up and said, 'Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news The donkey died.' Chuck replied, 'Well, then just give me my money back.' The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I went and spent it already.' Chuck said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.' The farmer asked, 'What ya gonna do with a dead donkey? Chuck said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.' The farmer said 'You can't raffle off a dead donkey!' Chuck said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead.' A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, 'What happened with that dead donkey?' Chuck said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece, less the $100 I gave you and made a profit of $898.00.' The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?' Chuck said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.'

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My wife has packed her things and left me due to my obsession with glass objects.
Frankly, I'm shattered.

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.
After a few minutes of flirting, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It has to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are a full 38 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my *** is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin, not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."

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A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Why are you drinking so fast?" The guy says, "You'd be drinking fast if you had what I have." The bartender says, "What do you have?" The guy says, "Seventy-five cents."

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So, I walk in on wife ma.sturbating with a carrot.
I shout, "F.uck! Seriously? I was going to eat that later, and now it's just going to taste like carrots!"

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What's the difference between a hooker, your girlfriend, and your wife?
When you're having s.ex a hooker says "are you done yet?" Your girlfriend says "you're done already?" And your wife says "beige, we should definitely paint the ceiling beige."

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A 7 yr old and a 4 yr old are in their bedroom.
The 7 yr old looks at his brother and says, "I think it's time we start swearing."
The brother nods in agreement.
"When we go downstairs, I'll be the first to swear and then you swear" says the 7 yr old.
The two brothers go downstairs and the mother asks what they want for breakfast.
"I'll have a bowl of cocoa puffs, b.itch!"
The mother smacks the kid so hard that he flies out of his chair.
The mother asks the 4 yr old what he wants. Stunned, the 4 yr old says, "I don't know, but it won't be f.ucking cocoa puffs!"

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My s.ex life is like finding a parking spot in town.
All the good ones are taken, so sometimes when no one is looking I have to stick it into disabled one.

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My girlfriend says she doesn't trust me. I guess that's just one more thing she has in common with my wife.