Bancul Zilei

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut and still think they are sexy.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
War does not determine who is right -- only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. My desk is a work station.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Some people are like Slinky’s ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR."

Traian Băsescu îl cheamă urgent la Cotroceni pe ministrul de finanţe.
- Să-mi scoţi de unde ştii 2 miliarde de euro pentru modernizarea penitenciarelor şi asigurarea celor mai bune condţtii de trai puşcăriaşilor.
- De unde, Şefule? Dacă am avea banii ăştia i-am da probabil celor din învăţământ.
- Bă! Tu ai impresia că, după alegeri,... eu mă duc la şcoala?

Seful ii spune angajatului:
- Faci totul atat de incet! Gandesti incet, scrii incet, vorbesti incet, te misti incet! Faci vreun lucru repede?
- Da, obosesc repede

Passenger, to a Sexy Air Hostess: What is your name ?
Air Hostess : Benz, Sir !
Passenger : Lovely name. Any relation with Mercedes Benz ?
Air hostess: Same price sir...

In dreptul unei biserici, o bunica isi invata nepotelul cum sa isi faca cruce.

Nepotelul: "Si cat dureaza efectul?”

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest.
When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."
The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son happens to be the Pope.
When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"
She proudly replies, "I have a daughter; slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" waist, 34" hips. When she walks into a room people say... "My God!!"

In urma unui accident, un tip se alege cu "mandria" zdrobita complet.
Chirurgul sef al spitalului la care este dus ii spune :
- Domnule, ai noroc. Avem un sortiment bogat de organe din care sa iti alegi unul pe care sa ti-l transplantam. Ce zici de asta, 12 centrimetri ?
- Hai, domn doctor, ce naiba, sunt om serios, am eu fata de… 12 centimetri ?
- Atunci asta, la 18 centimetri ?
- Fii domnule serios, 18 centimetri ? Ce, sunt pustan ?
Vine doctorul cu o alta oferta:
- Dar de asta de 32 de centimetri ce zici ?
- Ei , da asa mai merge. Dar acelasi model, pe alb, nu aveti ?

Un marinar daruieste sotiei, inainte de a pleca in cursa, pe mare, un vibrator:
-Cu el n-o sa te mai simti singura!
La intoarcere, il gaseste aruncat intr-un colt.
-Nu ti-a placut cadoul meu?
-Da’ de unde! Mi-au zburat toate plombele!

Ion se opereaza de hernie. Dupa o luna vine la control.

- Cum te simti, Ioane ?
- Foarte bine dom' doctor. Mi s-o tras firele, pot ridica orice, numa un bai am: inainte ma pisam asa un jet sanatos, cu bulbuci, amu numa un pis pis.
- Pai, cand te-am operat, ti-am scos si un rinichi.
- Da de ce, am avut cancer sau ceva ?
- Nu, Ioane, am avut eu o obligatie.

Un francez, un german si un roman participau la un concurs de injuraturi:
Francezul injura 8 ore si se da batut.
Germanul reuseste sa injure 9 ore si se lasa la randu-i batut.
Romanul cand intra in sala, fiind mai inalt da cu capu de tocul usii si incepe sa injure vreo 10 ore, dupa care: Si acum sa incepem concursul.