Bancul Zilei

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Se intalnesc doi prieteni:
- Am doua vesti: una buna si una rea.
- Si care e aia rea?
- Fiul meu e g.ay!
- Uau..Si aia buna?
- Prietenul lui pasiv e ungur!

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- Unde lucreaza sotul tau?
- La serviciul de paza si protectie.
- Aha...e gardian.
- Nu, e muncitor la fabrica de prezervative.

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- Unde ai fost?
- La doctor.
- Ce fel de doctor?
- Proctolog.
- Si?
- Mi-a placut. Maine merg din nou!

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Dacă soacră-mea ar putea vedea cât de putin efort am depus organizându-i înmormântarea...s-ar răsuci in garaj!

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Intrebare la Radio Erevan:
- Este rău sa fii al doilea sot al unei văduve ?
Radio Erevan răspunde:
- Bineinteles că nu, rău e sa fii primul...

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Am ajuns la urgente cu sotia mea, grav rănita la picior. Doctorul intreabă:
- Ce s-a intamplat?
- A fost impuscată!
- Nu puteti fi mai precis?
- Am incercat, dar stiti... e prima dată cand trag cu arma!

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Contabilul verifica decontul unuia dintre parlamentari.
- Dar cifra asta astronomica ce reprezinta?!!
- Este decontul pentru hotel...
- V-as ruga ca, pe viitor, sa nu mai cumparati hoteluri!

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5 paşi către un corp de invidiat : paşii trebuie să fie mărunţi, pentru ca persoana care deţine corpul de invidiat să nu creadă că te grăbeşti.

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Din cultura popoarelor:
"E păcat de la Dumnezeu să vrei să discuţi ceva cu un vecin şi să n-ai topor la tine!", a declarat un cetățean din județul Vaslui.

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Words can't describe how beautiful you are...
But numbers can. 2/10

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Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
By the end you wish you had a club and spade.

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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that m’ wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers, though."

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An insect falls into a mug of beer.
Englishman: Throws his mug away and walks out.
American: Takes the insect out and drinks the beer.
Chinese: Eats the insect and throws the beer away.
Indian: Sells the beer to the American, the insect to the Chinese and gets a fresh beer for himself.
Pakistani: Accuses the Indian of putting the insect in his beer, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and gets a loan from the American to buy another beer. The Paki then moves to England and claims benefits.

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Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

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If a muslim blows up and nobody's around to hear it, does anyone give a fu.ck?

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Why are there no female serial killers? Because after the first kill, they have to tell someone.

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I've had enough of Christmas. All year long I work my fingers to the bone to buy all the presents that my kids ask for and what happens Christmas morning? That fat fu.cker with the beard gets all the credit for it! Still I suppose it was my fault for marrying her.

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Intr-un cuplu, e usor sa imparti acelasi pat, dar imposibil sa imparti aceeasi plapuma!

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- Mama, m-a cerut Andrei in casatorie!
- Nu accept asa ceva!!
- Dar, mama...!
- Am zis nu, MaryJenele!

maryjan

neata

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Aseara, ma plimbam cu o fata prin Centrul Vechi. Am luat amenda de la Jandarmerie, ca cica : "Nu e voie cu petarde pana pe 31 decembrie!"

Why did the Mafia cross the road ?
Forget  about it .

What's the difference between you and eggs ?
Eggs get laid and you don't .

What do you call an IT teacher who touches his students ?
A PDF file.

How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony ?
It's not hard.

What do a nearsighted gynecologist and a puppy have in common ?
A wet nose.

What's the job application to Hooters ?
They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out !

HAIDUCUL1

În unele sate din Botoșani, unde băutura s-a distribuit încă de la primele ore ale dimineții, alegerile au fost câștigate de Donald Trump.

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass ?
Very satisfying.

Do you know what 6.9 is ?
A good thing screwed up by a period.

What's the difference between a tire and 365 used condoms ?
One's a Goodyear and the other is a f.ucking good year.

What do you call a bunch of white guys sitting on a bench ?
The NBA.

What's worse than finding a Justin Bieber CD in your boyfriend's bedroom ?
Finding a box of tissues next to it.