Joke of the Day

25

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Carboplex

zaaappp!!!

25

A man was interviewing for a sales representative. One candidate would have been ideal for the position except that he had a disconcerting mannerism. He kept winking.
"Look here, I'd like to give you the job, you've got good references and experience. The trouble is this trick you've got of winking all the time, it might put our customers off."
"No worries." the candidate replied. "All I've got to do to get rid of it is to take a couple of aspirins."
So saying he began emptying his pockets. The employer was startled to see dozens of condoms, multi coloured ones, ribbed ones, heavy duty varieties and every known brand of standard condom.
"Here we are." said the rep. He swallowed two aspirins and his winking stopped at once.
"Thats all very well but we couldn't hire a man who was going to be womanising all over his territory."
"Oh I wouldn't dream of it, I'm happily married."
"Then how do you account for all of these things?"
"Simple, Did you ever go into a chemist winking all the time and ask for a packet of aspirins?"

25

One day, while an elephant was walking through the woods, she got a
  thorn stuck in her foot. She saw an ant passing and asked him to help
  her get the thorn out.
 
  The ant asked, "What do I get in return?"
 
  The elephant replied, "If you get it out, I'll have sex with you."
 
  So the ant gets busy taking the thorn out. When he finally gets it out
  he looks up at the elephant and says "OK it's out, are you ready?".
 
  The elephant thinks, "Hey, what's a little ant gonna do anyways?" The
  ant climbs up and starts to work away. Just then a monkey overhead
  drops a coconut on the elephant's head.
 
  "Ouch" screams the elephant, and the ant responds, "Yeah take it all bitch."

:))

25

How is sex like air?

It's no big thing unless you aren't getting any.

25

How do we know that the "Toothbrush" was invented in West Virginia?
- Had it been invented anywhere else it would have been called a "Teethbrush".

lydyya

Poezioala desple secs


Făcui fălă să vleau o constatale
La glădiniţă ieli, când am picat,
(Cu toate că-s de-un an în glupa male)
Să mol dacă glumesc, pe omoplat ;

Ne-a esplicat doamna educatoale
Amănunţit, chial ne-a si desenat,
Cum am ajuns să ezigstăm sub soale,
Cum fiecale a fost plocleat,

Elam ochi si ulechi de culios
Să aflu cum pe lume am venit,
Si chipes si isteţ, da' si flumos,
Da' nu te mint, mai mult m-a plictisit,

C-al fi o balză, cale-n noptiţică,
Ne-aduţe-n pliscu' ei, împachetaţi,
Când scapă si mămica de bultică
Făcută de la ouă si câlnaţi,

Cum zboală balza asta-nţet, agale,
Vleo nouă luni, să iasă luclu bun
Si cum agiungem în pătuţ si-n ţoale
Pe cosul casei, ca si Mos
Clăciun....

Să vezi măi flate, ţe educatoale !
Fălă misto, chial m-a

lăsat pelplex,
La vâlsta ei, (ţe ţâţe, ce piţioale !
Să nu stie nimica desple secs !

kingranick13

Doua veverite pe o creanga... una dintre ele zise:
-Te imping!!!
... si a impins-o.

mishucj

aran nu inteleg nimic din bancul tau nici macar sa rad nu pot =)) sau ma gadil in talpa:))

1314vali

Doi politist urineaza. Care trimite jetul mai departe? ......... Ala cu slitul desfacut...

codrul

cred ca m-am trezit...bat-o focu' de palinca!!

codrul

Doi prieteni la o bere se laudau care mai de care in legatura cu relatiile conjugale:
-Stii? Nevasta sta in genunchi in fata mea...
-Da? Sta in genunchi si-ti spune:"Iesi ma odata de sub pat, ca dai de dracu cu mine!"...slab nene, slab! La mine nu-i asa. eu am ajuns la un compromis cu nevasta-mea in privinta veselei...
-Da? adica tu le speli si ea le lasa sa le usuce...

codrul

-Domnule director, o mana criminala a spart chiuveta de la baia baietilor, dand cu piciorul in ea !

codrul

Beau ca sa-mi inec amarul,dar degeaba;netrebnicul a invatat sa inoate!

25

mitu2008: http://www.diseara.ro/ro/fun/bancuri/bancul-zilei- 2008-04-23.html?top=4

Noaptea,inainte de examen.In apartamentul profesorului suna telefonul pe la 3. Cu o voce iritata acesta raspunde:
-Da!
-Dormi?
-Bineinteles ca dorm!
-...si noi invatam tuz mortii m*-tii !...

25

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

"Who are you?" he asked.

"I'm the Devil," she responded.

"Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister."

25

A lawyer a Rabbi and a Hindu holy man, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.
The farmer said "There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn."

"No problem," chimed the Rabbi, "My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening. With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night. Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door, there stood the Rabbi from the barn. "What's wrong?" asked the farmer. The Rabbi replied, "I am grateful to you, but I can't sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that this is an unclean animal."

His Hindu friend agrees to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurs. There is a knock on the door, "What's wrong, now?" the farmer asks. The Hindu holy man replies, "I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can't sleep on holy ground!"

Well, that leaves only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn. Yep, you guessed it! Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door. Frustrated and tired, the farmer opens the door, and there stood the pig and the cow.

:)))))))

25

Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says, "To be continued."

=))))))

25

An English taxidermist is sweating his way through the Australian outback when he comes across a bar. He staggers in between the beer swilling locals and in his well educated voice asks  the bartender,"May I have a gin and tonic, please, my good man."
 
One of the locals says to his mates, "Geez, cobbers, what kind of a fucking man's drink is that?"
 
Then, turning to the Englishman, "Hey! You! Yes you, you fucking Pom!
Gin and fucking tonic -- are you some fucking kind of a poofter or something?"
 
"Ac...actually," the englishman, terrified, replies, "I'm a  taxidermist."
 
"Oh yeah? And what's a taxidermist then?"
 
"I mount d..d..dead animals."
 
"It's alright, cobbers," says the local, turning to his mates, "He's one of us!"

=))))))


[Pom = an alternative word for the British, used by speakers of Australian English, New Zealand English, South African English and Afrikaans]

25

Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool,so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my fucking ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"

25

Exercitii de dictie - Texte pentru dictie - Corecteaza-ti dictia!

Gasiti mai jos cateva exercitii pentru corectarea si imbunatatirea dictiei, texte mai dificil de pronuntat si care necesita exercitiu si atentie. Repetandu-le si incercand sa le propunti din ce in ce mai repede, iti vei imbunatatii dictia. Merg foarte bine impreuna cu vocalizele si exercitiile de respiratie.

40 de exemple de texte pentru corectarea pronuntarii cuvintelor:

Text 1
O coropisnita si`un coropisnitoi se coropisniteau la noi pe gunoi. Nu coropisnita coropisnitea pe coropisnitoi, ci coropisnitoiul coropisnitea pe coropisnita.

Text 2
Papucarul papucareste papucii papucaresei, papucareasa nu poate papucarii papucii papucarului.

Text 3
Luni la lumina lumanarii luminata de luna prin luminator ia luminat o luminita in lumina ochilor.

Text 4
Cantecul cantat de cantareata incantatoare incanta cantaretzul incantat de cantarea cantaretei.

Text 5
Capra neagra-n piatra calca, Cum o calca-n patru crapa!
Crape capu caprii-n patru, Cum a crapat piatra-n patru!
Capra neagra calca-n clinci, Crapa-i-ar capu caprii-n cinci
Cum a calcat capra-n clinci.

Text 6
Capra paste langa casa, Capu caprii crape-n sase!
Capra noastra n-are lapte, Crapa-i-ar coarnele-n sapte!
Capra-n piatra a calcat Piatra-n patru a crapat,
Povestea s-a terminat!

Text 7
Un vultur sta pe-un pisc c-un pix in plisc.

Text 8
Un cocostarc s-a dus la descocostarcarie, unde se descocostarcareau si alti cocostarci nedescocostarcariti, ca sa se descocostarcareasca de cocostarcaria lui.

Text 9
Un bal fara egal cu final fatal la un halal carnaval estival cu scandal epocal dintr-un opal oval, pal, real si natural, fara rival, egal si actual.

Text 10
Fata are flori pe prispa, prispa are flori, fata are flori pe prispa, prisma are flori.

25

Text 11
Cosasul Sasa cand coseste, cat sase sasi sasul coseste. Si-s sus si-n jos de casa sa, coseste sasul si-n sosea, coseste si alte sase case coseste si tot coseste sasul, pana da gata tot satul.

Text 12
Eu pup poala popii, popa pupa poala mea!

Text 13
Unui tamplar i s-a-ntamplat o intamplare. Alt tamplar, auzind de intamplarea tamplarului de la tamplarie a venit si s-a lovit cu tampla de tamplaria tamplarului cu intamplarea.

Text 14
Gandindu-ma ca te gandesti ca ma gandesc la tine, gandeste-te ca ma gandesc ca te gandesti la mine.

Text 15
Balaban Balabanescu balbaieste balbaituri balbaite pe negandite.

Text 16
Bucur si Bucura se bucura ca Bucurel e bucuros in Bucuresti. Bucura-te cum s-a bucurat Bucuroaia cand s-a intors Bucurel bucuros de la Bucuresti.

Text 17
Fata fierarului fierbe fasole fiarta fara foc fiindca focul face fum.

Text 18
Am o prepelita pestrita cu paisprezece pui de prepelita pestriti. E mai pestrita prepelita pestrita decat cei paisprezece pui de prepelita pestriti, iar mai pestrit decat prepelita cea mai pestrita este prepelitoiul cel pestrit.

Text 19
E pestrita prepelita pestrita, dar mai pestriti sunt puii prepelitei pestrite.

Text 20
O sapa lata, doua sape late, sapte sape late si inca alte sape late si alte sapte sape late

Text 21
Pila-n punga, punga-n pila, pilalau cu pila lunga a pili pila pe dunga…….pila-n punga, punga-n pila, pilalau cu pila lunga a pili pila pe dunga…

Text 22
Rica nu stia sa zica: rau, ratusca, ramurica, dar de cand baiatu-nvata poezia despre rata, Rica stie-acum sa zica: rau, ratusca, ramurica.

Text 23
O gaina porumbaca in porumbar s-a urcat. In porumbar porumbaca tot porumbul l-a mancat.

Text 24
Pili-as cu pila lunga, pila-n punga, punga-n pila.

Text 25
O baba balana mananca o banana babana.

Text 26
Un vultur sta pe pisc c-un pix in plisc.

Text 27
Un caricaturist care caricaturizeaza caricaturi caricaturistice nu poate caricaturiza caricatura sa.

25

Text 28
Primprejur plimbarile prin ploaie prilejuiesc placeri proprietarilor provinciali.

Text 29
Tantarul sot insoti soata tantareasa, tantarind si intepand nesatios.

Text 30
Sase saci in sase sasi soseau pe sosea.

Text 31
Creata isteata, zambitoare si glumeata, scandeaza cu dictie fara interdictie fel de fel de poezii azurii cu copii si faclii, pe hartii, mii si mii apoi pe-un cal merg la bal triumfal.

Text 32
Cele sapte muze cu priviri de zuze, scriu ca sa se amuze, versuri andaluze.

Text 33
Sase calauze incearca s-acuze cinci femei lehuze ca ar fi farfuze.

Text 34
Cinci fine meduze,  Geometrii confuze,  Cu unghiuri obtuze si ipotenuze

Text 35
Patru buburuze,  Rosii archebuze, Bazaie ursuze, Zburand pe peluze

Text 36
O barza breaza face zarva pe-o varza.

Text 37
Trei babe mofluze, Fara dinti si buze, Trag turte pe spuze, Fara sa se scuze.

Text 38
Doua autobuze lovite de-obuze, au lumini difuze si defecte la diuze.

Text 39
Papucarul papucareste papucii nepapucariti ai papucaresei, dar papucareasa nu poate papucarii papuci nepapucariti ai papucarului care papucareste papuci nepapucariti.

Text 40
Cupa cu capac capac cu cupa.

sanmarco

25, de ce scrii bancuri in engleza?

alina17

..dragutze exercitiile de dictie ..doar ca nu's chiar 40...le-ai repetat pe cateva.uite cate in engleza:
1"If a shipshape shipshop stocks six shishape shop-soiled ships, how many shipshape shop-soiled ships would six shipshape ship shops stock?"
2"Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, a peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked. If Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers, where's the peck of pickled peppers Peter Piper picked?"
3"Betty bought some butter, 'but' she said, 'this butter's bitter' and a bit of better butter would make a better butter. So she bought a bit of butter better than the bitter butter and it made her butter better, so it was that Betty bought a bit of better butter"
4"Three tree toads tied together tried to trot to town"
5"Two witches had two watches. Which watch did which witch watch?"
6"A tutor who tooted a flute tried to teach two teachers to toot. Said the two to the tutor 'is it harder to toot or tutor two tutors to toot?'"
7"Sheila uttered a sharp shrill shriek and shrunked from the shrivelled form that slumbered in the shadows"
8 slit the sheets. The sheets I slit are on the slitted sheets I slit."

25

hai romania :)

sanmarco

mcara ,nu are rost sa fim spirituali cand nu e cazul!