Bancul Zilei

tonys

LoooL misto bancul......

tonys

O blonda in autobuz.
Aglomeratie mare, blonda se tot impinge la un moment dat ii spune celui din fata:
Ce-i d-le vrei sa ma f*t*?
La care acesta rusinat ii spune: vai d-na departe de mine astfel de ginduri.
Atunci blonda ii zice: date dr*cu la o parte, poate vrea domnu sau domnu ... !

tonys

Bancuri cu blonde:

O blonda in noaptea in cimitir.
Iese Dracula si ii spune : Eu sunt Dracula si sug sange! ..
Blonda nimic..
Vede ca nu sa speriat iar spune : Eu sunt Dracula si sug sange!..
La care blonda : Si eu sung p... si nu ma laud



O blonda frumoasa intra intr-un bar.
Se uita foarte senzual la chelner, facand gesturi obscene.
Se duce pana la baie...si revine.
Ea continua a-i face semne chelnerului si il cheama pana la ea.
Aceasta il intreaba dak directorul barului este in bar,in timp ce aceeasta il mangaia frumos pe fata.
Acesta ii raspunde ca nu.
Blonda il mangaia pe fata in timp ce i-a bagat un deget in gura foarte senzual...
Blonda spunand:-Atunci, cand vine spune-i ca nu mai e hartie igienica la baie!



O blonda vine la doctor cu urechiile rosii.
Doctorul intreaba:
- Ce sa intamplat cu urechea dumneavoastra?
Blonda zice:
- Calcam rufele, cand a sunat telefonul si, din greseala, mi-am pus fierul de calcat pe ureche.
Neconvins, doctorul intreaba:
- Si ce sa intamplat cu urechea cealalta?
- Boul dracului, a mai sunat o data!



La un concurs intre blonde si brunete,brunetele intreaba o blonda cat e unu plus unu la care blonda:
-4!
Blondele au inceput sa strige:
-Mai datine o sansa mai datine o sansa!
Brunetele le mai dau o sansa si cheama o blonda si o intreaba cat e 1+1. La care blonda:
-5!
-Mai datine o sansa mai datine o sansa !au zis blondele.
Brunetele se gandesc sa le mai dea o sansa si mai cheama o blonda si o intreaba cat e 1+1. La care blonda :
-2!
La care blondele:
-Mai datine o sansa mai datine o sansa !



Trei blonde se duc la un bar sa sarbatoreasca.
Barmanul se uita la ele.Curios,le intreaba:
-De ce sunteti asa fericite?
-Am terminat un puzzel in 8 luni.
-Si care-i faza?
-Pai pe cutie scria 2-5ani.

tonys

Bancuri cu Bula :


Lui Bula ii vine sa se ca*e, el era pe o biserica si acolo era o slujba spune parintele doamane dane si noua ceva! Si ii cade ***tul lui Bula in mana si zice parintele: O Doamne Multumim.
Doamne ce sa iti dam la schimb?
Da Bula de acolo de sus: hartie igienicaaaaaaaaa  



Bula la scoala.
Profesoara ii intreaba pe elevi ... ce este rosu si dragut?
Raspunde bula ... vaporul ...
La care invatatoarea spune ca nu dar ii place cum gandeste.
Din clasa se aude marul!!!
Invatatore spune bravooo..
Bula de colo: dar ce este lung, la un capat rotund, iar la celalanat are par ?
Profesoara de colo ... Bula nu-i frumoss !!!!
Bula ii raspunde: Nu-i! ... era periuta de dinti ..., dar imi place cum ganditi

tonys

Bula face o gluma de 1 aprilie.
-Mama, vezi ca tata s-a spanzurat in garaj.
Fuge ma-sa in garaj nimic ... Apare Bula.
-Ha ha ha ! Pacaleala de 1 aprilie:
S-a spanzurat in pod !!!

tonys

Era bula cu sorasa in baie si vine taicaso si ii intreaba ca ce fac acolo amandoi:
La care bula: S*X
Da taicaso: aaaa bine credeam ca fumati!

tonys

Merge Bula la scoala shi-l intreaba invatatoarea:
-Bula, de ce esti in doliu?
-Pt. ca o murit sora mea!
-Da cum o murit mai Bula??
-Pai ... o calcat-o tranvaiul pe deget!!!!
-Bula da din asta nu se moare!!!
-Da ... da degetul era in nas!!!!!!




Bula retardat, se duce cu taicasu sa-i cumpere sandale.
Ii cumpara taicasu sandale si pe drum Bula il intreaba:
-Tata, ale cue tandalele?
Tatal ii raspunde:
-Ale tale Bula.
Mai merg ei si Bula cu ochii in lacrimi intreaba:
-Tata, ale cue tandalele?
Tatal ii raspunde:
-Sunt ale tale Bula.
Dupa ce au mai mers o bucata de drum, Bula plangand si cu picioarele insangerate ii arata lui taicasu spunand:
-Ale cuie tandalele!

tonys

Bancuri cu ALinutza:


Alinuta:
-Mama, mama nu vreau sa golesc gunoiul!
Masa:
-Taci si-nghite!



Alinutza:mami,mamai ... vreau pipi ...
Masa:nu am, cere-i lu` taicatu`



Alinuta: - Mami, pot sa-i tai o ureche lui tata?
- Nu, mai lasa-l sa mai fiarba 10 minute.



alinutza cand a terminat scoala a intrebato masa ce vrea sa se faca cand o sa fie mare iar ea raspunde poi ma gandeam ca ma fac roscata



Cand Alinutzza implineshte 12 anishori mama ei considera ca ar trebui sa invetze ceva despre viatza sexuala.
Dupa aniversarea ei mama o cheama in dormitor shi ii spune:
Uite fata mamii, tu azi ai implinit 12 ani shi vreau sa vorbesc cu tine despre sex.
Alinutzza: Bine mama, ce vrei sa stii??



Alinutza era la ora de romana.
Profesoara o intreaba:
-Ce poate fi mic si alb?
Alinutza zice: - O gaina !!!
Ce poate fi mare, negru si urat?(profa)
-Un urs!!(alinutza) Dar mai intreaba alinutza:
-Ce poate fi moale daca o bagi in gura,si cand o scotzi uda? Profa ii trage o palma.
Alinutza zice
-Poate fi si o guma de mestecat!!!

tonys

Intr-o zi Alinuzza o intreaba pe mama ei:
-Mama, vrei si tu o lama Orbit?
-Nu mama, am Gillette



Alinutza catre maicasa...
-Mama, ia-mi o papausa, ca Lenutza are una.
-Nu-ti iau Alinutza, ca tu ai ce n-are nimeni.
-Mami, da` ia-mi un trenulet ca Gigel are unul.
-Nu-ti iau Alinutza ca tu ai ce n-are nimeni.
-Mami da` ia-mi o minge, ca Tinel are una.
-Nu-ti iau Alinutza, ca tu ai ce n-are nimeni.
-Mami...da` eu ce am?
-Tu ai sida draga mea.



Intr-o zi vine Alinuta la maica-sa :
- Mama de ce ai doua fire de par albe
La care ma sa raspunde:
- Pentru ca ma superi tu
- Aaa acum inteleg de ce are bunica parul alb ...



Alinuta se trezeste noaptea auzind batai in geam.
Deschide geamul si vede o cioara mare, neagra si urita batind din aripi si croncanind:
"Te maninc ... te maninc ... te maninc!!!"
Alinuta fuge speriata la ma-sa si o scoala din somn:
- Mami, mami, repede ca ma maninca pasarica!!!
- Freaca-te!



Vine Alinuta plangand de la scoala.
Mama o intreaba:De ce plangi Alinuta?
Copii la scoala spun ca sunt monstru.
Nu-i asculta mama si nu mai plange.
Dute la culcare si inchide cei 3 ochisori si dormi linistita.




Alinuta: Hai, taticule, lasa-ma sa ma joc cu bunica.
Tata: Nu se poate Alinuta.
A: Te rooooog.
T: Bine, daca insisti, dar sa stii ca e ultima oara când o dezgrop.




Alinuta se joaca prin padure.
La un moment dat Alinata cade intentionat cand venea Pinochio.
Alinuta se ascunse dupa un tufis si ii pune piedica.
Pinochio cazu cu nasu la pi*da ei ...
Alinuta: Pinochio, spune te rog o minciuna ...




Alinuta se joaca la ea in camera cu foarfeca.
Intra tata:
Alinuta, sa stii ca ne suparam ... Uite cate degete ai facut pe jos...




Era o data alinuta sa venise plangand de la sc.
Tatal sau a intrebat-o:
-De ce plamgi.
Ea a zis:
- Copii rad de mine si spun ca am dinti mari
Tatal sau a zis:
Nu ii asculta dar mai inchide gura ca zgari podeaua




Intr-o seara,toti frati alinutzei radeau,doar alinutza plangea.
-De ce plangi alinutza? intreaba tatal
-Fratii mei au aruncat-o pe mama de la balcon! spuse alinutza printre suspine
-Si tu de ce plangi?
-NU AM VAZUT FAZA!!!!



Alinutza shi Maria in baie:
Alinutza:,,Maimutzica ta are blana???"
Maria:,,Da,shi mananca shi banane!"

tonys

INtrebari si Raspunsuri :

*   Cum omoara o blonda un peste ? R: Il ineaca.

*   Da cum omoara o blonda o pasare? R: O arunca de pe stanca.

*   Cum cunosti care este masina unei blonde ? R: Te uitzi daca are urme de ruj pe schimbatoru de viteze.

tonys

*   Care este cel mai bun anticonceptional? R: Un NU hotarat.

Intrebare trimisa de Cezar Braila
*   De ce arunca blondele apa pe calculator? R: Ca sa navigheze pe internet.

Intrebari trimise de Al3xut7za
*   Stiti de ce ungurii sunt vecini cu noi? R: Asa le trebuie.

*   De ce oltenii stau la cinema cu lumina aprinsa? R: Ca sa vada actorii mai bine.

*   Stiti ce face un moldovean cand ajunge in ardeal? R: Cere azil politic.

*   Sunt o blonda si o bruneta p o cladire. Care cade prima? R: Bruneta ca blonda e parasuta.

*   Dc ardelenii vb asa de rar? R: Pt ca stau mult in munti si cand pronunta un cuvant vor sa auda si ecoul.

Intrebare trimisa de Bary Ovidiu
*   De ce scrie pe unele magazine RENOVARE? R: Ca au ovare de ren!:)))

Intrebari trimise de Daniel aka Drogatzelu 14
*   Cum omoara o blonda un peste ? R: Il ineaca.

*   Da cum omoara o blonda o pasare? R: O arunca de pe stanca.

*   Cum cunosti care este masina unei blonde ? R: Te uitzi daca are urme de ruj pe schimbatoru de viteze.

tonys

*   Cum se numeste o blonda cu jumatate de creier ? R: Norocoasa.

*   I: Ce au blondele si sticlele de bere in comun ?
R: Amandoua sunt goale de la gat in sus.

*   I: Cum se numesc 22 de blonde asezate in coloana ?
R: Tunel de vant.

*   I: Cum moare o celula cenusie a unei blonde ?
R: Singura.

*   I: Cum tii o blonda ocupata toata ziua ?
R1: O pui intr-o camera rotunda si-i spui sa stea in colt.
R2: Scrii pe ambele fete ale unei coli "Citeste pe verso".

*   I: Cum convingi o blonda sa se marite cu tine ?
R: Ii spui ca este insarcinata.
I: Ce va intreba ea ?
R: Este al meu ?

*   I: O blonda merge la Londra cu avionul; cum poti sa-i furi locul de la geam ?
R: Ii spui ca locurile care merg la Londra sunt cele din centru.

*   Care este diferenta intre o blonda si un bec ?
R: Becul este mai destept, dar pe blonda o aprinzi mai repede.

Cum aprinde o blonda lumina dupa ce a facut dragoste ? R: Deschide usa masinii

tonys

Daca bancul zilei nu este destul de bun ca sa va aduca zambetul pe buze sper ca aceste bancuri sa reuseasca

Calinas

Un cersetor suna la o usa, i se deschide si intreaba:
- Nu va suparati, n-aveti sa-mi dati si mie o felie de tort?
- Domn’e, da asa ceva n-am mai pomenit! Cersetorii cer si ei de obicei o felie de piine!
- Da, dar stiti, azi e ziua mea!

danutza

Era o baba care avea 3 fete si cresc fetele mari si se casatoresc. In noaptea nuntii se duce baba pe la usile fetelor si asculta ce se intampla. Pe prima fata o aude plangand, pe a doua o aude razand si la a treia usa nu aude nimic.
A doua zi o intreaba pe prima fata:
- Da' ce s-a intamplat, maica, te batea ce-ti facea?
- Nu mama, plangeam ce era prima data cand nu o faceam pe bani.
O intreaba si pe a doua fata:
- Mama ce s-a intamplat noaptea trecuta de ce radeai?
- Pai mi-a aratat o figura pe care o stiam de la gradinita.
Se duce si la a teia fata si o intreaba:
- Ce ai patit ca azi-noapte nu se auzea nimic in camera ta, sotul tau e impotent?
- Nu  m-ai spus u sa nu vorbesc cu gura plina?

danutza

O tigara scurteaza viata cu 2 minute. O sticla de bere scurteaza viata cu 4 minute.
Dar o zi de munca scurteaza viata cu 8 ore!!!

danutza

Intra un domn disperat in farmacie si tipa:
- Repede dati-mi ceva pentru diaree, e urgent!!!
Farmacistul, care era nou, devine foarte nervos si-i da un calmant. Domnul, in foarte mare graba, ia medicamentul si pleaca. Dupa cateva ore, domnul cu diaree revine, si farmacistul ii spune:
- Mii de scuze domnule. Cred ca din greseala v-am dat un medicament pentru nervi. Cum va simtiti? La care domnul raspunde:
- ***t tot... dar linistiit...

danutza

Doi prieteni, fiecare proaspat casatoriti:
- De cand m-am insurat, spal in fiecare zi vasele, spal lenjeria, frec parchetul...
- Bine, dar sotia ta?
- Ei, ea se spala singura!

LOVE

Super bancul zilei, beton asd-ul asta...

V|p3r_m3n

superi tari toate bancurile pe care le-am citit. bv tonys :D si bancul zilei e super tare =))

Calinas

- Mami, ce e ala orgasm?
- Nu stiu! Du-te si-ntreaba-l pe tac'tu!

25

Ardeleanul se duce la doctor deoarece tusea foarte tare. Doctorul il consulta si il intreaba cu o voce grava:
- Fumati?
Dupa cateva momente de ezitare, ardeleanul raspunde:
- Mai bine as bea ceva.


Un cersetor in New York :
- Aaaajutati un biet cersetor orb! ...
- Aaaajutati un biet cersetor orb!
- Si am impresia ca sunt si negru...


Ursul la coada la farmacie. Ii vine randul si zice catre farmacista:
-50 de prezervative va rog,
In spatele lui doi iepurasi radeau de el si chicoteau.
Ursul se intoarce, se uita la iepurasi, si apoi spune farmacistei:
-52 va rog!


O baba vrea sa-si cumpere peste de la un pescar:
-Auzi domn’e,dar e proaspat pestele asta?
-Da mamaie,nu vezi ca e viu? Normal ca e proaspat.
-Pai nu asa, ca si eu sunt vie...


Bula in ora de biologie. Profesoara intreaba: - Ce este verde si sare pe campie? Raspuns din clasa: - Broasca! Profesoara: - Corect - dar putea fi si un greiere. Ce este maro si sare prin padure? Raspuns din clasa: - Caprioara! Profesoara: - Corect - dar putea fi si un cerb. Bula agitat cere permisiunea de a pune si el o intrebare: - Ce este tare cand se ia in gura, iar moale si lipicioasa cand se scoate? Profesoara ofensata ii trage vreo doua perechi de palme lui Bula care zice: - Corect - dar putea fi si o guma de mestecat!


Examen la Politehnica. Profesorul intreaba: - Intrebare de “nota zece”: Cum ma numesc? Toti tac. - Intrebare de “nota opt”: La ce obiect aveti examen?. Toti tac. - Intrebare de “nota cinci”: Ce culoare are manualul? Din ultimile randuri se aude o voce: -Asta s-a pus pe noi sa ne pice…

25

  Secretara catre patron:
  -Am doua vesti: una buna, alta rea.
  - Incepe cu cea buna.
  - Nu esti steril.


 
  Sotia catre sot:
  - Dragul meu, ce preferi, o femeie frumoasa sau una inteligenta?
  - Nici una, nici alta, stii doar ca eu te iubesc numai pe tine.


 
  Ea: - Maine aniversam 30 de ani de casnicie. Ce zici, sa taiem porcul?
  El: - De ce, nu e vina lui.
 
 

  Un invitat catre vecina sa:
  - Sampania va face frumoasa.
  - Dar n-am baut nici o cupa!
  - Se poate, dar eu sunt la a 12-a.


 
  Niste turisti la tara:
  Ea: - Iubitule, peisajul asta ma lasa muta.
  El: - Perfect, campam aici.

Calinas

superb ultimul banc a lui "25"

25

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter Darla. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Darla a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Darla is pregnant-- about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you, Darla?"
Darla says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. I'll be damned if I'm going to miss it this time!"

Calinas_jr

Care e diferenta dintre un barbat de zapada si o femeie de zapada?
Bulgarii de zapada.

What's the difference between snowmen and snowwomen?

Snowballs! Ha!

25

An elderly rich gentleman walks into a cat-house, approaches the Madam and says, "I would like to have sex with your wildest gal youve got. Money is no object."

The Madam looks at him and asks, "How old are you anyway?"

The elderly gentleman replies, "Im 93 years old."

The Madam says, "Wow! Youve sure had it."

The elderly gentleman looks at her puzzled and said, "I did. How much do I owe you?"

25

Father - Which part of the body goes to heaven first?

kid - legs

Father - why legs

           kid - because, i see mom every night with her legs up and screaming,oh god i am in heaven

25



A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.

The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."

He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.

On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.

Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.

As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"

He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"

The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."

Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."

Calinas_jr

2 batrani intra intr-un restaurant, comanda o portie de carne, un pahar cu suc, si o portie de cartofi prajiti. Batranul taie carnea in doua o parte o pune in fata iubitei si cealalta lui, apoi la fel si cu acei cartofi, dupa care i-a un gat de suc, sotia un gat, si pune paharul la mijloc. lumea din jur, barfa " Uita-te la saracii batrani, nu au bani sa cumpere 2 portii( compatimindui). Un tip se ridica si le comanda inca o portie de carne. Batranul refuza, insista sa nu i se ofere nik in plus. Altcineva le cumpara si cartofi si suc. Batranul un multumesc, bla-bla-bla, se pune imparte iarasi ce i s-a dat, lumea intreaba " de ce impartiti tot" , " Pai asa ne-am obisnuit" zice batranulm, care se pune sa manance, dar baba nimic, vine iar timpul "doamna ce asteptati?, aveti tot, mancare, tacamuri tot". " Astept dintii maica!"

25

Question: Why are Jewish men circumcised?
Answer: Because Jewish women won't touch anything unless it is 20% off.

25

Once upon a time there was a women that was about to have triplets.

In her stomach the babies were talking to each other.

The first baby says "I want to be a plumber, because there is so much water in here".

The second baby says "I want to be an electrician because it is so dark in here".

And the last baby says "I want to be a hunter, because if that damn snake comes back in here i'm going to cut it off".

Calinas_jr

Un tip ajunge mai repede acasa si isi gaseste nevasta in pat cu 3 tipi. Si zice:" Hello!, Hello!, Hello!"
Sa nevasta: " DA PE MINE NU MA SALUTI ?"

Calinas_jr

Are 15 cm lungime, are un cap si femeile isi fac de cap cu ele.
R: Bancnotele.

Calinas

Domnule doctor, zise femeia disperata, ati uitat ca de trei minute stau cu limba scoasa?
- N-am uitat, dar vreau sa scriu reteta in liniste.



La un post de radio oarecare s-a facut un concurs cu un premiu generos pentru cine povesteste cea mai rusinoasa intamplare prin care a trecut.
Castigatoarea acestui concurs a povestit urmatoarele:
"In acea zi aveam de facut o vizita la ginecolog, la ora 08.00. Intamplarea a facut ca fiica mea cea mica sa planga toata noaptea, iar de dimineata m-am trezit tarziu. Asa ca am imbracat repede copiii sa-i trimit la scoala, dupa care fuga la baie.
Cum doream sa ma prezint cat mai curata (ca orice femeie care merge la ginecolog) si nu mai aveam timp de dus, iau repede primul prosop pe care-l vad in baie, il ud si ma spal bine pe partile intime, ies din casa in viteza, sofez ca nebuna, ajung la cabinet, intru si cum deja stiam ce am de facut ma asez pe marginea patului si zbor cu gandul in alta parte.
Aud medicul care zice :
- OOO, astazi am facut un efort special ca sa aratam bine!
Seara, acasa fiica mea intreaba:
- Mama unde e prosopelul meu?
- Nu stiu draga. Ia si tu altul curat din dulapior, ii raspund.
- Nu! Eu il vreau pe ala pe care l-am lasat dimineata in baie! Aveam sclipiciul si stelutele lipicioase pe el.In acel moment am inteles ce a vrut sa spuna medicul....



Doctorul Popescu s-a culcat cu una dintre pacientele lui si se simtea vinovat de multa vreme. Oricat de mult a incercat sa uite aceasta intamplare, nu reusea. Era mereu coplesit de sentimentul de vina si de tradare a juramantului profesional. Din cand in cand auzea acea voce calma, din interiorul lui, care-i spunea:
- Nu te mai stresa; nu esti primul medic care s-a culcat cu o pacienta si nu vei fi nici ultimul. Si esti burlac. Asa ca asta e...
Dar, invariabil, o alta voce il readucea la realitate:
- Popescule, nu uita ca esti medic veterinar...

Mimisor

What's Osama Bin Laden going to be for Halloween?

Dead.



What's red with seven dents in it?

Snow White's cherry.



A husband and wife are watching ''Who Wants To Be a Millionaire,'' and the husband winks and says, ''Honey, let's go upstairs...''
The wife says no, so the husband asks again. Again she says no.
So the husband says, ''Is that your final answer?'' The wife says yes.
The husband says, ''Well, can I phone a friend?''



A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car.

He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?"

The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue."

The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo."

"Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away.

The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car.

"Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo."

"Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

alynabest

fain bancul zilei, si astea postate is misto :))))) .........bv :p

Mimisor

One day this guy was sitting at this bar in Chicago and looks over and sees this guy that looks exactly like him. He says to the guy, “Hey you look just like me!”
The other man agrees and asks, “Where are you from?”
The first guy answers, “Chicago.”
“Me too!” says the second guy, “What street do you live on?”
“Forty-Ninth Street,” answers the first guy.
“Me too!” says the second guy, becoming increasingly excited. “What's your address?”
''951.”
“Me too! Wow, this is incredible! What are your parents' names?”
“ John and Cathy,” says the first guy. “Me too!” shouts the second guy. “I wonder if we're related!?”
Meanwhile, the bartenders are changing shifts and the guy coming on asks if anything is new. “No,” says the first bartender, “just the Smith twins, drunk again.

Mimisor

   101 Things NOT to Say During Sex

  1. But everybody looks funny naked!
  2. You woke me up for that?
  3. Did I mention the video camera?
  4. Do you smell something burning?
  5. What tampon?
  6. Try breathing through your nose.
  7. A little rug burn never hurt anyone.
  8. Is that a Medic-Alert Pendant?
  9. Sweetheart, did you lock the back door?
 10. But whipped cream gives me the shits.
 11. Can you make some noises, so that hottie next door thinks I'm good?
 12. Hurry up! This room rents by the hour!
 13. Can you please pass me the remote control?
 14. Do you accept Visa?
 15. ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
 16. Ew - on second thought, let's turn off the lights.
 17. And to think - I was really trying to pick up your friend!
 18. So much for mouth-to-mouth.
 19. Try not to leave any stains, okay?
 20. Hope you're as good looking when I'm sober...
 21. (Holding a banana) It's just a little trick I learned at the zoo!
 22. Do you get any premium movie channels?
 23. Try not to smear my make-up, will ya!
 24. (Preparing to incorporate peanut butter) But I just steam-cleaned this couch!
 25. Got any penicillin?
 26. But I just brushed my teeth...
 27. Smile, you're on Candid Camera!
 28. I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs!
 29. I want a baby!
 30. So much for the fulfillment of sexual fantasies!
 31. (In a menage a trois) Why am I doing all the work?
 32. Maybe we should call Dr. Ruth...
 33. Did you know the ceiling needs painting?
 34. I think you have it on backwards.
 35. When is this supposed to feel good?
 36. Put that blender back in the kitchen where it belongs!
 37. You're good enough to do this for a living!
 38. Is that blood on the headboard?
 39. Did I remember to take my pill?
 40. Are you sure I don't know you from somewhere?
 41. I wish you'd let me put this bag on your head...
 42. That leak better be from the waterbed!
 43. I told you it wouldn't work without batteries!
 44. So, how's your mother?
 45. Did I tell you that I found this mattress on the side of the highway?
 46. If you quit smoking you might have more endurance.
 47. No, really... I do this part better myself!
 48. It's nice being in bed with a woman I don't have to inflate!
 49. This would be more fun with a few more grandparents.
 50. You're almost as good as my ex!
 51. Do you know the definition of statutory rape?
 52. Is that you I smell or is it your mattress stuffed with rotten potatoes?
 53. You look younger than you feel.
 54. Perhaps you're just out of practice.
 55. You sweat more than a galloping stallion!
 56. They're not cracker crumbs, it's just a rash.
 57. Now I know why he/she dumped you...
 58. Does your husband own a sawed-off shotgun?
 59. You give me reason to conclude that foreplay is overrated.
 60. I hope my stomach doesn't look too puffy - I haven't shat in weeks.
 61. Have you ever considered liposuction?
 62. And to think, I didn't even have to buy you dinner!
 63. What are you planning to make for breakfast?
 64. I have a sickening confession...
 65. I was so horny tonight I would have taken a duck home!
 66. Are those real or am I just behind the times?
 67. Were you by any chance repressed as a child?
 68. Is that a hanging sculpture?
 69. You'll still vote for me, won't you?
 70. Did I mention my transsexual operation?
 71. I really hate women who actually think sex means something!
 72. Did you come yet, dear? Did I?
 73. I'll tell you who I'm fantasizing about if you tell me who you're fantasizing about...
 74. A good plastic surgeon can take care of that in no time!
 75. Does this count as a date?
 76. Oprah Winfrey had a show about men like you!
 77. Hic! I need another beer for this please.
 78. I think purple nurples are romantic - don't you?
 79. You can cook, too right?
 80. When would you like to meet my parents?
 81. Have you ever tried it in the nose?
 82. Have you seen "Fatal Attraction"?
 83. Sorry about the nametags, They're to avoid any embarrassment later.
 84. Don't mind me… I always file my nails in bed.
 85. (In a phone booth) Do you mind if I make a few phone calls?
 86. I hope I didn't forget to turn the gas oven off. Do you have a light?
 87. Don't worry, my dog's really friendly for a Doberman.
 88. Sorry but I don't do toes!
 89. You could at least ACT like you're enjoying it!
 90. Petroleum jelly or no petroleum jelly, I said NO!
 91. Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper...
 92. I'll bet you didn't know I work for ''The Enquirer''.
 93. So that's why they call you Mr. Flash!
 94. My old girlfriend used to do it a LOT longer!
 95. Is this a sin too?
 96. I've slept with more women than Wilt Chamberlain!
 97. Hey, when is it going to be my friend's turn?
 98. Long kisses clog my sinuses...
 99. Please understand that I'm only doing this for a raise...
100. How long do you plan to be ''almost there''?
101. You mean you're NOT my blind date?

DJKappa

=(( alyna!!

DJKappa

bai..da apropos.. aia care se certau k dobitocii pe aici.. au disparut ? .. k ma amuzau copios ;))..

Calinas_jr

Foarte tari chiar...)))

taipan

cred ca s-au apucat sa studieze abecedarul...

iuly_alteea

loool, tari de tot!!

rocco44

In autobuz, doua prietene stau de vorba:
- Ce ai, draga, ca nu arati prea bine?
- Pai, aseara am facut 38 cu 1.
- Curios, eu am facut 69 cu 2 si ma simt minunat…

Baygon

Elefantul catre camila : - Hahahahaha tu ai ţâţele pe spate ? Camila catre elefant : - Stupida remarca din partea unuia care are o p*** intre ochi