Joke of the Day

stelistu'

bancurile astea le faceti tot in photoshop?  ...hahaha cel mai tare banc

25

This guy and his girlfriend are fighting....she says "I'm breaking up with you." "Why??" he asks.
She says "because you are a pedophile".
He says "Pedophile?????? Hmmmm that's an awfully big word for a 10 year old."

:))

Ana-Skumpyka

park are mai mult farmec in engl :)

25

On their first night to be together, the newly wed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom, all
showered and wearing her beautiful robe.
The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe."
The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished. "Oh, oh, aaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture."
Puzzled she asks, "my picture?"
He answers, "yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever."
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "why do you wear a robe? We are married now."
At that the man opens his robe and she exclaimes, "oh, oh, my, let me get a picture."
He beams and asks, "why?"
She answers, "so I can get it enlarged!"

=)))))))))))

25

A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing."

He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them."

He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.

"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?"
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."

And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so i suggest you jack off.

=)))))))) =)))))))) =))))

25

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.
Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.
"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.
"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

=)))))))

25

Chanowski & his other Polak drinking buddy are sitting at a bar . " See those guys over there ? " Chanowski says." I'm going over there and ask them what they think of Polaks." Chanowki walks up to the two guys sitting at the other end of the bar and asks them what they think of Polaks. One of the men gives Chanowski the finger. The middle finger. Chanowski then walks back to his drinking buddy. " Well , what do they think of Polaks?" he asks. "We're still number one , " replies Chanowski.

25

Sue and Sally meet at their 30th class reunion, and they haven't seen each other since graduation. They begin to talk and bring each other up to date. The conversation covers their husbands, their children, homes, etc., and finally gets around to their sex lives. Sue says, "It's OK. We get it on every week or so, but it's no big adventure; how's yours?" Sally replies, "It's just great, ever since we got into S&M." Sue is aghast.
"Really, Sally, I never would have quessed that you would go for that!!"
Oh, sure," says Sally, "He Snores while I Masturbate."

:))

misterra

Google-ul tau macar stia doar o limba... al meu se confuzioneaza de tot cand ii dau sa traduca ceva in 'canadiana'. Mai intai ma intreaba "canadiana inseamna engleza, franceza sau amandoua?" :P

I found out that Canadians are not slow ... it just takes them twice as long to get things done because they have to do it in English then again in French
;)))

mishucj

deajaba scrieti in engleza k nu inteleg ce ziceti...nu puteti pune bamncurile in romana k doar suntem romani si traim in romania

Carboplex

zapppppppppppppppp!!! ca dupe o petrecere!!!

HAIDUCUL1

Un politist examina un geam spart:
- Exact cum mi-am imaginat. Spart pe ambele parti !!!


Un american, un neamt, un evreu si un negru prin padure. Cade o omida pe american. asta o arunca pe neamt, asta pe evreu,
asta pe negru. Negrul o ia si o mananca. Cade alta omida pe american. Asta o arunca pe neamt, asta pe evreu, iar evreul spre negru:
-Nu cumperi o omida?

Barlad.Sebi

:)) =))

Benu

You Know You're Canadian When:


You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.

The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.

The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.

You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars, and drink pop, not soda.

You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing u's from labor, honor, and color.

You know how to say free, prize and no sugar added in French thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.

You know what a toque is.

You've plugged a car in overnight.

You've defended your property from trespassers with a lacrosse stick because you don't own a gun.

Benu

Some surgeons were taking a coffee break and discussing their work. The first said, "I think accountants are the easiest to opperate on. You open them up and everything inside is numbered."

The second said, "I think librarians are the easiest to operate on. You open them up and everything inside is in alphabetical order."

The third said, "I like to operate on electricians. You open them up and everything inside is color-coded."

The fourth one said, "I like to operate on lawyers. They're heartless spineless, gutless, and their heads and ass are interchangable."

Benu

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

Benu

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered
a cake with this inscription:

"You are not getting older,
You are just getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said,
"Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top,
and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was ready
to serve the cake that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP,
YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

Benu

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child. The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his first breath.

"Hit him again," the child said. "He shouldn't have crawled up there in the first place!!"

Benu

Q. What dog keeps the best time?

A. A watch dog.


Q. How do you make a tissue dance?

A. Put a little boogey in it!


Q. What did the water say to the boat?

A. Nothing, it just waved.

Fr33zy

Sir si John se pregatesc sa plece in vacanta si pe cand sa intre in masina sa plece...
Sir: John aduceti-mi pianul va rog...
John: Hmmm... de ce, Sir ?
Sir: aduceti-mi pianul va rog...
John: De ce, Sir ? Pianul e mare si greu...
Sir: Mi-am uitat bricheta pe el, John, si nu voiam sa te deranjez pentru atata...

Fr33zy

Vine Sir acasa:
- John doamna este singura ?
- Nu Sir, este sus cu un domn.
- John adu sabia.
- Yes, Sir.
Sir se duce sus unde era doamna de unde se aude un urlet. Sir se intoarce:
- John, un doctor pentru domnul si un tirbuson pentru doamna.

Fr33zy

O femeie intra intr-un magazin si cumpara un sutien.
-Cred ca-i va placea sotului dumneavoastra mai degraba acesta!
-De unde stiti?
-Secretara lui si-a luat ieri unul identic!

Fr33zy

Doi scotieni calatoreau cu avionul. La un moment dat, un zgomot cumplit, motoarele se opresc si se aude capitanul în difuzoare:
- Stimati calatori, avem o problema grava cu avionul, sper ca voi gasi un loc de aterizare fortata, în orice caz va rog sa nu intrati în panica.... etc etc... La care unul din scotieni izbucneste în plîns. Celalalt se uita mirat la el si-i replica:
- De ce plîngi? Doar nu e avionul tau!…

Fr33zy

McGregor moare. Vaduva ridica o piatra funerara cu inscriptia "Odihneste-te în pace!". Apoi afla ca decedatul si-a lasat toata averea bisericii. Drept care pune sa se graveze înca un rand: "Pana vin la tine!"…

Fr33zy

Într-o zi, un scotian merge sa joace golf cu baiatul sau. Cum ajung la teren, îl întreaba:
- Stii sa gasesti mingiile ratacite?
- Bineînteles, raspunde baiatul.
- Atunci adu repede una sa putem începe!

McGreggor a plecat într-o excursie cu logodnica lui, cu o masina împrumutata de la un prieten. Se circula în tacere. Rosu ca racul, McGreggor catadicseste sa ridice privirile spre fata si îi spune, cuprins de emotie:
- Aa... stii, Mary... as vrea sa-ti spun ceva... dar n-am curajul...
Cu ochii stralucind, Mary îl încurajeaza:
- Spune draga, hai, îndrazneste...
- Uite, Mary, esti de acord sa platim benzina pe din doua?

Fr33zy

Un copilas ii scrie lui Mos Craciun:
- Trimite-mi un fratior.
Mos Craciun raspunde:
- Trimite-mi-o pe mata.

De Pasti, Mos Craciun coboara dintr-un bloc si se intilneste cu iepurasul:
- Sa nu cumva sa faci timpenia sa intri in vorba cu baba de la etajul doi!

Benu

Stii ca esti un canadian in toata puterea cuvantuluia atunci cand :
-iti alegi costumul de Halloween astfel incat sa ti se potriveasca peste imbracamintea groasa pt zapada si ger
-ai mai multi km inregistrati la bordul masinii de deszapezit decat la bordul masinii personale
-condusul e mult mai eficace pe timpul iernii pt ca toate gropile sunt acoperite de zapada (pare au si ei gropi pe sosele???? M-as mira :P )
-ziarele locale pun titlurile de importanta nationala si internationala pe 2 pagini, dar intotdeauna au nevoie de 6 pagini pt stirile din hochei
-edilii cumpara inaintea unui autobuz necesar transportului public o masina de lustruit gheata(pt arene sportive, patinoare, terenuri pt meciuri de hochei)
-nu mananci bomboane ci tablete de ciocolata, si nu consumi sucuri acidulate sau carbogazoase, ci bauturi tonice
-folosesti un creion rosu pe caietul tau noncanadian de notite, pt a completa cu cate un “u” cuvintele munca, onoare si culoare ( exista diferente intre engleza americana si cea britanica – labor=labour, honor=honour, color=colour , desi parerea mea ar fi ca e vorba totusi de prescurtarea pronumelui “eu” intr-un jargon specific “U”) :P
-stii cum sa spui “liber, cadou si fara zahar” in limba franceza, datorita vastelor cunostiinte in domeniul ambalajelor de pe cutiile cu cereale, editate bilingv
-stii ce este aia o toca
-ai dat la cheie la masina ta mai toata noaptea, din cauza gerului
-ti-ai aparat proprietatea de cei care au indraznit sa o incalce, cu o crosa de Lacrosse, pt simplul motiv ca nu detii o arma de foc

Misterrrrra, am gresit undeva???  :)

Benu

Cativa chirurgi discutau la o pauza de cafea.
Primul spune :
-Contabilii sunt cei mai usori de operat. Ii deschizi si totul inauntru este numarat
Al doilea :
-Eu cred ca bibliotecarii sunt si mai usor de operat. Ii deschizi si totutl inauntru este asezat in ordine alfabetica
Al treilea se da si el cu parerea :
-Mie imi place sa operez electricieni. Ii deschizi si totul inauntru este ordonat si codat pe culori
Al patrulea intervine si el :
-Ador sa operez avocati. Nu au coloana vertebrala, nici inima, iar capetele si fundurile sunt interschimbabile

Benu

La o petrecere un avocat si un doctor stateau de vorba. Conversatia lor era mereu intrerupta de diverse persoane care ii cereau medicului sfaturi in privinta sanatatii si a felului lor de a manca. Dupa vreo ora, plictisit si enervat peste masura, il intreaba pe avocat:
-Tu cum reusesti sa opresti oamenii in a-ti pune intrebari legate de meseria ta, atunci cand nu esti la birou?
-Le raspund, dar apoi le trimit nota de plata prin posta.
Doctorul ramase perplex, dar fu de acord sa faca o incercare.
A doua zi, desi era inca un pic jenat pt ce avea sa faca, pregatea notele de plata pt cei care ii ceruse sfatul cu o seara mai inainte. Cand deschise cutia postala, gasi nota de plata a avocatului.

Benu

Pt ziua de nastere a sotiei sale, un doctor se gandi sa-i ofere in dar un tort cu urmatorul text:
“Nu imbatranesti, ci doar devii mai buna”
Cand a fost intrebat cum ar dori sa fie aranjate aceste cuvinte, a explicat pe scurt  :
-Pai scrie “nu imbatranesti” mai sus si “ci doar devii mai buna” mai jos.
A venit ziua minunata, si cand a desfacut tortul din ambalaj, nu mica i-a fost mirarea cand a descoperit ca pe tort scria :
“Nu imbatranesti mai sus, ci doar devii mai buna mai jos”

Benu

Un doctor batran de la tara a fost chemat sa ajute la nasterea unui bebelus intr-o familie dintr-o zona tare defavorizata, unde nici macar nu era electricitate. Acolo dadu peste mama care sustinea casa prin munca zilnica la camp si pe copilasul ei de 5 ani. Doctorul ii dadu acestuia sa tina o lanterna , astfel incat sa vada ce se putea face, pt a o ajuta pe mama sa aduca pe lume copilul. Dupa un anumit timp, medicul reusi sa-l apuce pe noul-nascut, il ridica de picioare si-l pocni peste fund, pt a-i fi deblocate caile respiratorii. Cel mic, care inca mai tinea lanterna, exclama:
-Foarte bine, bateti-l. Ca nu avea de ce sa se catere acolo de la bun inceput!

rozalia1

@Rally: astazi ai fost la inaltime, ti-as vota toate bancurile... hi,hi,hi,

Roxanik

buna seara!ce mai faceti,fetelor?pe unde sunt baietii,s-au pierdut in codru?:))

rozalia1

@Fr33zy ; felicitari , ai  venit cu noutati..

1314vali

B-buna ziua domnule doctor.
D-buna ziua,cu ce va pot fi de folos?
B-domnule doctor, din cand in cand,imi apar doua pete verzi intr-e picioare,sus langa pasarica. Ce credeti ca ar putea fi?
Doctorul o consulta, si o intreaba:
D-aveti un prieten?
B-domnule doctor va rog...sunt casatorita
D- doamna! daca nu-mi spuneti adevarul nu va pot ajuta, si va rog sa plecati.
B- da bine am un prieten
D-si este tigan?
B- da
D- atunci va rog sa-i spuneti ca cerceii din ureche nu sunt de aur.

Roxanik

hmm,ce s-a simtit masculul repede sa le gaseasca scuza baietilor....fetelorrr,pe unde sunteti de nu luati pozitii aici?:-S:))

Giusepe08

zi rugby care e prbl? mai sunat?:))