Bancul Zilei

Vine o blonda la Romtelecom, asteapta la rand vreo trei ore, ajunge in sfarsit la ghiseu si ii spune functionarei:
- As dori un cui pentru telefon.
- Poftim?
- Va rog sa-mi dati un cui pentru telefon.
- Domnisoara, nu aveti factura la telefon, nu aveti ton, care e problema dvs?
- Nu, eu am platit, vreau doar un cui pentru telefon.
- Domnisoara, nu inteleg, cum adica un cui pentru telefon?
- Pai da, ca am avut telefonul defect...
- Si l-au reparat?
- Da. Imediat!
- Si atunci care e problema dvs?
- Pai l-am intrebat pe cel care l-a reparat daca functioneaza si mi-au spus ca da.
Si am intrebat daca pot sa dau telefon. Si mi-au spus ca da, daca am cui...

O femeie avea un amant in timp ce sotul ei era plecat la serviciu.
Intr-o zi, fiul ei de 9 ani se ascunde in sifonierul de la ea din camera. Sotul ei vine acasa pe neasteptate, asa ca ea il ascunde pe amant tot in sifonier.
Baietelul spune “E intuneric aici.”
Barbatul sopteste “Da, este.”
Baiatul -”Am o minge de baseball.”
Barbatul -”Foarte bine.”
Baiatul -”Vrei s-o cumperi?”
Barbatul -”Nu, multumesc.”
Baiatul -”Tata e afara.”
Barbatul -”OK, cat costa?”
Baiatul - “$250.”
Peste o saptamana, cei doi nimeresc din nou impreuna in sifonier.
Baiatul -”E intuneric aici.”
Barbatul -”Da, este.”
Baiatul -”Am o manusa de baseball.”
Barbatul -”Cat vrei pe ea?”
Baiatul -”$750.”
Barbatul -”Fie.”
Dupa cateva zile, tatal ii spune baiatului “Ia-ti mingea si manusa si hai afara sa jucam baseball.”
Baiatul: “Nu pot. Le-am vandut.”
Tatal: “Si cu cat le-ai vandut?”
Fiul: “$1000.”
Tatal spune “Nu e frumos sa-ti jefuiesti prietenii asa. Le-ai vandut pentru mult mai mult. Te duc la biserica, trebuie sa te spovedesti”.
Se duc la biserica si tatal il pune pe baietel sa intre in confesionar si inchide usa.
Baiatul: “E intuneric aici.”
Preotul: “Iar incepi?”

A man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

"Methodist," the man says.

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to Room 24, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of Heaven.

"Religion?"

"Baptist."

"Go to Room 18, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates.

"Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to Room 11, but be very quiet as you pass Room 8."

The man says, "I can understand there being Different rooms for different religions, but why must we all be quiet when we pass Room 8?"

"Well, the Catholics are in Room 8," St. Peter replies, "and they think they're the only ones here."

Semnele de la tastatura s-au gîndit sa dea o petrecere, dar nu voiau sa-l invite pe punct. Punctul îsi ia inima în dinti si pleaca la petrecere. La poarta, bodygarzi escape si delete:
- Cine esti tu?
- Eu sînt steluta, dar m-am dat cu gel...

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always feel that my boss thinks I'm lying
A week ago, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I just said I had sustained a head injury. By then I could think up a dozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head
One morning, as I was taking my shower my wife call from the kitchen
'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please reset it
'You know where the button is, reset it yourself!'
'But I'm scared!What if it starts and sucks me in? C'mon, it'll only take you a sec'
So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behavior as extremely cowardly
Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It struck without warning and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, it was our new kitty, who discovered the dangling objects hanging between my legs. She stalked me and when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option.I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink forcefully impeded my ascent.The impact knocked me out cold. When I awoke, the paramedics stood over me. Now there are not many things in life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics who were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter...and not succeeding
A few days later, back to my office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me for my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was

Why is that only the women laugh at this?

Clasa de maghiari la ora de limba romana.
- Gyury, spune, te rog, o propozitie!
- Duminica me duc la pedure.
- Gyury draga, da nu-i bine.
- Atunci nu me duc.

Intr-o seara,un taran se plimba prin cimitir.Nefiind atent,cade intr-o groapa.
Omul incepe sa strige:
- Ajutor!!!
- Ajutooor!
- Imi este frig!
La care,apare un betiv si acoperind groapa spune:
- Pai daca te-ai dezvelit!

Sfantul Petru da anunt de licitatie pentru executarea unui gard imprejmuitor pentru Gradina Raiului.Primul liciteaza un constructor african care solicita 5.000 Euro. Justifica : 3.000 Euro materialele si 2.000 Euro manopera.Al doilea liciteaza un constructor italian care solicita 8.000 Euro si justifica : 3.000 Euro materialele si 5.000 Euro manopera pentru ca el este un constructor foarte cunoscut.Al treilea liciteaza un constructor roman care cere 25.000 Euro.El justifica Sfantului Petru :10.000 Euro pentru tine, 10.000 Euro pentru mine si 5.000 Euro pentru african sa faca lucrarea.

Toamna, burnita. Ciobanii stau in bate, cu tundrele-n spinare. Si ofteaza:
-Eheeeee…!
Si burniteaza, si oile pasc, timpul parca a incremenit. Ciobanii:
-Eheeeee……!
Si burniteaza, si oile pasc. Un cioban:
-Eheeeee …! si cand te gandesti ce pu*i avem!

Iese un betiv dintr-un bar, face cativa pasi da cade intr-un sant si adoarme. Vine un poponar, i-o trage in ***, ii lasa 10$ in buzunar si pleaca. Se scoala betivu, gaseste banii, se intoarce in bar si comanda:
-Vodca!
Bea de toti banii, iese afara, cade in sant, se repeta treaba... Se scoala omu, intra in bar se aseaza pe scaun. Vine barmanul si-l intreaba:
-Tot vodca?
-Auzi baiete, mai bine da-mi un coniac ca de la vodca ma ustura curul !

Ce a spus Bin Landen cand a daramat cele 2 turnuri???
- Double Kill!!!
Si cand a daramat pentagonul???
- Head Shot!!!
:))

O blonda, o bruneta shi o shatena se ridica in lift. Toate trei, vad jos o pata alba.
Bruneta : -- ce-i asta ?
Celelate : -- nu shtim.
( Bruneta, ia de jos, gusta....) --mda...
Celelalte : -- ce-i ? e smintina ?
Bruneta : -- nu, nu e smintina...
Celelalte : --dar ce-i?
Bruneta : nu shtiu.
( Shatena, ia de jos, gusta...) -- mda... nu e smintina.
Blonda : -- dar ce-i ?
Shatena : -- nu shtiu.
( Blonda, ia de jos proba :) ) -- mda... nu e smintina, dar nu-i din blocul nostru...