Bancul Zilei

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- Talentul meu este, să nu-mi pierd timpul contrazicâdu-mă cu pro.știi.
- Ăsta nu e un talent.
- Ai dreptate!

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Cand el iti zice ca are "o prietena buna" cu care doar vorbeste, bate-o preventiv...aia e viitoare amanta !

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A Mosquito landed on my wife's face...
Easiest decision of my life.

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Toţi călcăm strâmb....dar la femeile pe tocuri se vede cel mai tare !

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Saptamana trecuta vorbeau doi ardeleni:
- Vazut-ai ma la tveu, minune mare....?
- No, ce-i ?
- Talambii astia de americani si-or ales presedinte niegru...

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Un tantar s-a asezat pe fata soacra-mii. Cea mai simpla decizie din viata mea!

maryjan

neata

maryjan

Doi tineri dansează la sentiment. Deodată ea îşi scoate ţâ,ţa dreapta din decolteu şi întreabă:
- Azi? E cumva ţâ.ţa asta dezumflată?
- El uimit la culme:
- Nu, nu!
Ea şi-o scoate pe cea din stânga:
- E cumva ţâ.ţa astă dezumflata?
- Nu, dar de ce întrebi?
- Bine atunci poţi să-ţi iei cricul dintre picioare mele..

Yo mama so ugly when Santa came down the chimney he said ho! ho! hoooollly s.hit!

Yo' Mama is so fat, if she buys a fur coat, a whole species will become extinct.

Yo Momma is so fat that she broke a branch in her family tree!

Yo Momma so stupid, she thought seaweed is something fish smoke.

Yo' Mama is so fat, she buys clothes in three sizes: extra large, extra-extra  large, and "Oh my God, it's coming towards us!"

Yo' Mama is so fat, when she skips a meal, the stock market drops.

Yo Mama so poor, when I asked her what's for dinner?
She pulled out a shotgun and said "The next motherf.ucker that moves!"

Yo Mama so black when I shot her, the bullet came back and asked for flashlight.

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.
They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.
The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.
She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.
The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words.
“I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.
The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.”

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said "How about 50 dollars?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should, she was standing on it."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde a dded, "it's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

How do you keep a blonde busy for 2 days?
Give her a piece of paper that has "please turn over" written on both sides.

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma.
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde.
So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while…
He climaxes loudly.
Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause.
She replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts.
Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?”
And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour.
This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent.
Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
“No. I’m Swedish.”

A Blonde was down on her luck.
In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid.
Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree.
The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

Two tourists were driving through Wisconsin.
As they were approaching Oconomowoc, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the blonde employee.
"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?
The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, Burrrrrr, gerrrrrr, Kiiiing."

What did the blonde say when she found out that she was pregnant?
I hope it's not mine.

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My son walked in on me having s*x and called me a f*cking sIut. Then I realised he was talking to his girlfriend.

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Two paedophiles sitting on a park bench watching a 9 year old girl playing. One says to the other: "I bet she was a looker in her day!"

What's the difference between a black and a white fairytale?

White begins, "once upon a time," black begins, "y'all motherf.uckers ain't gonna believe dis s.hit!"

Why were so many niggers killed in the Vietnam war??

Because when the sergeant said to "get down", they all got up and started dancing.

What did God say when he made the first nigger?
Oops! Burnt another one!

What do you call a nigger in a tree with a briefcase?
Branch manager.

What did the Alabama sherriff call the nigger who had been shot 15 times?
Worst case of suicide he had ever seen.

What did Abe Lincoln say after a 3 day drunk?
"I set WHO free?"

How do you get a nigger to leave you alone?
Throw him a basketball!

Why don't niggers dream?
The last one to have a dream got shot.

What do Nike and the KKK have in common?
They both make niggers run faster.

In a recent survey, people from Detroit have proved to be the most likely to have had s.ex in the shower. In the survey, carried out for a leading toiletries outfit, 86% of Detroit residents said that they have had, if not enjoyed, s.ex in the shower.
The other 14% said they haven't yet served any time in prison.

A blonde walked into the dentist office and sat down in the chair. The dentist said "Open Wide".  "I can't" the blonde said. "This chair has arms"

A Priest and a Rabbi are walking down the street.
They see a young boy approaching.
The Priest says, “Hey, let’s screw him.”
The Rabbi says, “Out of what?”