Bancul Zilei

rozalia1

Salut Sfintii, Dracii,Misterios-sokatii, Florile, Culorile, Plantele, Fructele, Literele, Cifrele,Realistele,Fenomene meteo- terestre, Animalele domestice si salbatice, Pasarile, Orasele,Codrii si poienite , nikko si alte id_uri ciudate   va zic buna dimineata la miezul noptii!!!  cate un :*  la fiecare  !! LA MULTI ANI ! celor care-si sarbatoresc ziua de nastere ASTAZI!:)

shok

neazza

musilica

Neatza buna! pupici si pentru cei mai mici si pentru voinici! :* :* :*

realista4ever

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store. The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! She stormed past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

She was incredibly ticked now. The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied, "That's not good," and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said, "Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

realista4ever

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I notice a remote control for a television set in her purse.

"Do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked.

"No," she replied. "But my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him."

realista4ever

Two Yuppettes were shopping. When they started to discuss their home lives, one said,

"Seems like all Alfred and I do anymore is fight. I've been so upset I've lost 20 pounds."

"Why don't you just leave him then?" asked her friend.

"Oh! Not yet." the first replied, "I'd like to lose at least another fifteen pounds first."

realista4ever

A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter goes to a counter in a department store and asks, "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing.

The man repeats himself: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?" Again, the clerk doesn`t answer him.

The guy asks several more times: "W-w-w-where`s the m-m-m-men`s dep-p-p-partment?"

And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy is angry and storms off.

The customer who was waiting in line behind the guy asks the clerk, "why wouldn`t you answer that guy's question?"

The clerk answers, "D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!"

musilica

Ce in forta a inceput realista astazi :))))))))) :-bd

realista4ever

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony."

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

realista4ever

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

realista4ever

A new York Divorce Lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. Saint Peter asks him "What have you done to merit entrance into Heaven?" The Lawyer thought a moment, then said, "A week ago, I gave a quarter to a homeless person on the street." Saint Peter asked Gabriel to check this out in the record, and after a moment Gabriel affirmed that this was true.

Saint Peter said, "Well , that's fine, but it's not really quite enough to get you into Heaven." The Lawyer said, "Wait Wait! There's more! Three years ago I also gave a homeless person a quarter." Saint Peter nodded to Gabriel, who after a moment nodded back, affirming this, too, had been verified.

Saint Peter then whispered to Gabriel, "Well, what do you suggest we do with this fellow?"

Gabriel gave the Lawyer a sidelong glance, then said to Saint Peter,

"Let's give him back his 50 cents and tell him to go to Hell."

realista4ever

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.

A woman worries about the ****** until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the ****** until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

To be happy with a man you must understand him a lot & love him a little. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot & not try to understand her at all.

Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

Any married man should forget his mistakes-there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change & she does.

A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman: before marriage & after.

musilica

Golf and Public Restrooms rules

10. Keep your back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart.

9. Form a loose grip.

8. Keep your head down.

7. Avoid a quick backswing.

6. Stay out of the water.

5. Try not to hit anybody.

4. If you are taking too long, you should let others go ahead of you.

3. You shouldn't stand directly in front of others.

2. Be quiet while others are about to go.

1. Keep strokes to a minimum.

Chryz

buna dimineata fetelor :D

musilica

Once there were two twins, Joe and John. Joe was the owner of a dilapidated old boat, which sank the same day that John's wife died. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Joe and mistook him for John.

"I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible."

"Hell, no! In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shriveled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle."

Chryz

Gica face poze pe malul lacului, cand nevasta-sa il striga disperata: - Gica! Repede, se ineaca mama!
Gica raspunde: - Degeaba, nu mai am spatiu pe card...

musilica

A boss tells his new employee, "I'll give you 8 bucks an hour starting today and in three months, I'll raise it to 10 bucks an hour. So when would you like to start?''

''In 3 months.''

25

They've got a new birth control pill for men now. I think that's fair. It makes a lot more sense to take the bullets out of the gun than to wear a bulletproof vest.

:))

25

Unix *is* user friendly. It's just selective about who its friends are.

25

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend who, this morning,
called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around. We lost track of
time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "old magic".

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now", I said, "I'm a bit older
and a bit greyer and balder than when..... you last saw me. Plus I don't
really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would rise to the challenge".

"Yeah." I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's a few
inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone...
everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing
jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, grey haired, older men were cute, and she
was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on a few pounds myself!"

So I told her to fuck off.


=))))))))))))))

musilica

One day when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had
written the word 'penis' in tiny small letters. She turned around, scanned the
class looking for the guilty face. Finding none, she quickly erased it, and
began her class.
The next day she went into the room and she saw, in larger letters, the word
'penis' again on the black board. Again, she looked around in vain for the
culprit, but found none, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the
same word written on the board, and each day it was written in larger letters.

Finally, one day, she walked in, expecting to be greeted by the same word on
the board, but instead, found the words, "The more you rub it, the bigger it
gets!"

STORM

eu va zic somn usor si noapte buna :*:*

mmaria

Ca  va zic si eu noapte buna,intrucat traducatorul meu de engleza a adormit...in papuci:))))

shok

aa...da...e cam intuneric aici!

Chryz

Sunt roz-roşiatică, lungă de cam 19 centimetri, am un cap şi toate gagicile mă plac nevoie-mare... Ce sînt eu? Bancnota de 100 de mii!

Chryz

Într-un castel medieval, ghidul îi conduce pe turişti pe nişte scări întortocheate, coborînd tot mai jos şi mai jos. Undeva, la capătul labirintului, apare o uşă pe care scrie "Camera de tortură". Intră cu toţii; înăuntru o mulţime de schelete, unele mai noi, altele mai vechi... Turiştii întreabă:
- Ale cui sînt rămăşiţele?
Ghidul răspunde:
- Legenda spune că aici şi-au găsit sfîrşitul turiştii care n-au dat bacşiş ghidului... dar asta este doar o legendă...

Chryz

Un pilot, un marinar şi Badea Gheorghe stăteau de vorbă. Pilotul spune:
- Eu, cînd aterizez, îmi sun nevasta şi o avertizez că am ajuns. Să nu am probleme!
Marinarul la fel:
- Cînd a acostează nava, dau telefon acasă, să nu am neplăceri!
Badea Gheorghe tăcea. Amîndoi au sărit pe el cu întrebările:
- Cum, tu nu faci la fel, ca să nu ai probleme?
La care el zice:
- Nu, eu sun la uşă şi mă duc la geam! N-a scăpat nici unul pînă acum!

25

After months of negotiation with the authorities, a
Talmudist from Odessa was granted permission to visit
Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.
At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to
him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought:
This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he
isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district.
If he comes from this district, then he must be Jewish
because this is, after all, a Jewish district. On the
other hand, if he is a Jew, where could he be going?
I'm the only Jew in our district who has permission to
travel to Moscow. Ahh? But just outside Moscow there
is a little village called Samvet, and Jews don't need
special permission to go there. But why would he be
going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of
the Jewish families there, but how many Jewish
families are there in Samvet? Only two - the
Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a
terrible family, and a nice looking fellow like him
must be visiting the Steinbergs. But why is he going?
The Steinbergs have only daughters, so maybe he's
their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter
did he marry? They say that Sarah married a nice
lawyer from Budapest, and Esther married a businessman
from Zhitomer, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which
means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not
mistaken. But if he comes from Budapest, with all the
anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed
his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen?
Kovacs. But if they allowed him to change his name, he
must have some special status. What could it be? A
doctorate from the University for sure. At this point
the scholar turns to the young man and says, "How do
you do, Dr. Kovacs?"
"Very well, thank you, sir." answered the startled
passenger. But how is it that you know my name?"
"Oh," replied the Talmudist, "it was obvious."

25

Q: Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?

A: She managed to squeeze them both in.

realista4ever

Two men are talking. The first says, "I got married because I was tired of eating out, cleaning the house, doing the laundry and wearing shabby clothes."

"Amazing," said the second, "I just got divorced for the very same reasons."

realista4ever

For weeks a six-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house. One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child. The six-year old was obviously
impressed, but made no comment. Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Johnny, whatever has become of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Johnny burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate it!"

mmaria

Cum spuneam,poate admin va face sectiunea de engleza,de franceza...etc si ...romana pe disearapunctro,ca sa stim unde "jucam"fiecare:D

realista4ever

Un informatico despistado va a una conferencia, y esta en el hall
del hotel con las maletas. Su esposa no confia en el para hacer el papeleo
del hotel, asi que le dice:
- Mira, yo a firmar en el libro de registro, conseguir la llave y
todas esas cosas; tu quedate aqui vigilando las diez maletas.
Cuando vuelve, el marido la dice:
- Oye, no lo entiendo, nadie nos ha robado ninguna maleta, pero
sin embargo tenemos nueve.
- Que dices ? Hay diez !
- No, mira, cuentalas; 0, 1, 2,...

realista4ever

- Cual es la diferencia entre un vendedor de automoviles y uno de
computadoras?
- El segundo no sabe cuando miente.

=))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

realista4ever

- Por que los viejos no son timidos ?
- Porque todos han pasado ya de los 69.

realista4ever

Dos viejecitos sentados en un parque :
- Pues me ha empezado a doler la pierna derecha.
- Eso es de la edad.
- Que dices, la izquierda tiene los mismos años y no me duele...

realista4ever

Mamá, mamá, ¿Los muertos se convierten en polvo?
Sí hijo, ¿Por qué?
Ah, entonces debajo de la cama hay muchos.

=))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))))

realista4ever

A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago. At her wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring. None of the other women in the office even noticed.

Finally, in sheer and total exasperation, she said "Boy !!! It's so warm in here today, I think I'll take off my ring."

realista4ever

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her Father asked, "Does this fellow have any money ?"

The daughter shook her head sadly. "Oh Daddy ! You men are all alike." sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

=))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

realista4ever

A couple had been married for 25 years and was celebrating the husband's 60th birthday.

During the party, a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each.

The wife said, "We've been so poor all these years, and I've never gotten to see the world. I wish we could travel all over the world." The fairy waved her wand and POOF! She had the tickets in her hand.

Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, and then said, "Well, I'd like to be married to a woman 30 years younger than me."

The fairy waved her wand and POOF! He was 90.

realista4ever

One morning while making breakfast, a man walked up to his wife and pinched her on the butt and said, "If you firmed this up, we could get rid of your control top pantyhose." While this was on the edge of intolerable, she kept silent.

The next morning, the man woke his wife with a pinch on each of her breasts and said "You know, if you firmed these up, we could get rid of your bra."

This was beyond a silent response, so she rolled over and grabbed him by his penis. With a death grip in place, she said, "You know, if you firmed this up, we could get rid of the gardener, the postman, the pool man and your brother."

sanmarco

Azi e 8 august!

misterra

Quote of the Saturday:
If you've got the will, you can move the mountains. If you've got the brain, you leave them there, 'cause they dont bother you anyway.
______________________
Citatul zilei de Sambata:
Daca ai vointa, poti muta muntii din loc. Daca ai minte, ii lasi acolo ca si asa nu te deranjeaza.

codrul

o buna dimineata pentru toti si numai pentru fete...pupicuri lungi si apasate! doamne ce-mi mai place cand zic asta...parca le si simt! mai rau e cand ma gandesc ca sarut...pisici, caini si...alte alea gen "steaguri"! dar nu-i bai ca ma voi obisnui!!

codrul

Ionut la pescuit si prinde pestisorul de aur...
- Da-mi drumul, zice pestisorul, si-ti voi indeplini trei dorinte...
Si uite asa s-a intors acasa Ionut al nostru cu ...trei crapi mari!!!

si cand il invat...se supara!

nikko

Cum e o petrecere de Craciun intr-o companie multinationala
Petrecerea de Craciun intr-o companie multinationala, cu cateva zile inainte de Craciun, corespondenta:

===
Mail de la CRISTINA XXXX -DIRECTOR RESURSE UMANE catre toti salariatii unei companii Y
Data 02 decembrie
Subiectul : Petrecerea de craciun
Dragi colegi,
Ma bucur sa va informez ca petrecrea de craciun a firmei va avea loc in data de 23 decembrie, incepand cu ora 14:00 , in sala mare a restaurantului «Casa Gratarelor». Vom face fripturi de tot felul, iar bautura va fi la discretie. O formatie vocal-instrumentala va interpreta colinde...Puteti canta si voi. Si sa nu fiti surprinsi daca presedintele companiei se va costuma in Mos Craciun.
La ora 16:00 vom aprinde beculetele in brad si vom putea face schimb de cadouri cu colegii. Valoarea unui cadou nu va depasi suma de 50 de lei grei, pentru a nu va afecta bugetul. Petrecrea este numai pentru salariati
P.S .- Directorul financiar va face un anunt important cu aceasta ocazie.
Sarbatori fericite voua si familiilor,
CRISTINA

nikko

DATA 03 DECEMBRIE
Mail de la aceeasi CRISTINA X
SUBIECT PETRECEREA DE SARBATORI
In memo-ul de ieri, nu am intentionat sa jignesc angajatii evrei. Sunt de acord ca Hanuka este o sarbatoare importanta si ca uneori coincide cu Craciunul (nu si in acest an din pacate). Astfel ca am decis ca petrecerea sa nu se mai numeasca « de Craciun » ci « Petrecrere de Sarbatori ». Aceleasi scuze le datorez si altor angajati care nu sunt de confesiune crestina. Nu vom avea brad si nu se vor canta colinde. Vom avea un DJ si muzica de toate genurile. Sunteti multumiti ?
Sarbatori fericite,
CRISTINA
---------------------------------

DATA 08 DECEMBRIE
Mail de la aceiasi CRISTINA X CATRE TOTI
SALARIATII
RE TOTI SALARIATII
Subiect :petrecrea de sarbatori
In privinta cererii pe care am primit-o de la Alcoolicii Anonimi care doresc o masa separat:nu ati semnat e-mailul! Si,daca vom pune un cartonas cu "Rezervat pentru alcoolicii Anonimi », nu ati mai fi anonimi, nu? Cum sa rezolvam problema? Are cineva vreo idee? In privinta cadourilo:nu se vor face nici un fel de cadouri, deoarece reprezentantii sindicatului au decis ca suma de 50 ron este prea mare, iar managementul a considerat suma penibila.
In concluzie: NU SE FACE SCHIMB DE DARURI !
---------------------------------

nikko

DATA 10 DECEMBRIE
Mail de la aceiasi CRISTINA X catre toti salariatii
Subiect:petrecerea de sarbatori
Ce firma pestrita avem! N-am avut idee ca in decembrie are loc Ramadanul, care le interzice salariatilor nostri turci, tatari sau arabi sa consume alimente si bauturi in timpul zilei.
Deoarece nu putem schimba ora petrecerii, voi incerca sa aranjez cu o firma de catering
impachetarea unor portii de mancare, pe care salariatii islamisti le vor primi la plecare.
Sunteti de acord ?
Va mai anunt ca am rezervat o masa aproape de toalete pentru angajatele gravide si o alta pentru persoanele supraponderale, cat mai departe de masa cu deserturi.
Homosexualii au voie sa stea la masa impreuna. Lesbienele nu sunt obligate sa stea la masa homosexulalilor. Da, si homosexualii vor avea aranjament pe masa. Pentru persoanele scunde, am facut rost de pernute de pus pe scaune. Pentru cei care tin dieta, vor fi si preparate fara grasime.
Din pacate, nu putem controla cantitatea de sare din mancaruri, dupa cum ne roaga un grup de colegi cu hipertensiune arteriala. Ca desert pentru diabetici, vom avea fructe proaspete, deoarece restaurantul nu ne poate asigura deserturi cu indulcitor. Asta e.
Mi-a scapat ceva?

---------------------------------

DATA 15 DECEMBRIE
Mail de la aceiasi CRISTINA X catre toti
salariatii
SUBIECT : NENOROCITA DE PETRECERE
Vegetarieni????!!!! M-am saturat de voi, oameni buni! Va place sau nu, o sa facem petrecerea cu gratare! N-aveti decat sa stati naibii la masa voastra si sa va indopati cu salata, in timp ce noi, carnivorii, ne ghiftuim cu friptura din animale moarte! Veti avea si legume ecologice. Dar sa stiti, nesuferitilor, ca si rosiile au sentiment si plang cand le tai felii. De fapt nu plang, ci urla! Si le aud cum urla chiar ACUM! Sper sa aveti cea mai de rahat vacanta din viata voastra! Duceti-va dracului toti ! JAVRELOR!

nikko

---------------------------------

DATA 20 DECEMBRIE
Mail de la ALINA ZZZZZ -Director interimar resurse umane catre toti salariatii
SUBIECT CRISTINA X SI PETRECEREA
Ma bucur sa va comunic ca deja Cristina a iesit din spital si sunt convinsa ca vorbesc in numele tuturor, urandu-i insanatosire grabnica. Voi incerca sa-i transmit toate urarile si felicitarile de Sarbatori de la voi. Intre timp va anunt ca directorul general a decis ca petrecerea de sfarsit de an sa se anuleze, iar dupa-amiaza de 23 decembrie sa fie libera pentru toti angajatii. SARBATORI FERICITE !
ALINA

nikko

Cautam femeie la fetita în vârsta si nefumatoare.

nikko

Închiriez camera la doua fete încadrate cu un singur pat.


sigur e codru:D

nikko

Nu servim în stare de ebrietate.

nikko

Confectionam posete si genti si cu pielea clientului.

nikko

Confectionez paturi pentru copii de fier.

nikko

Vand camion gaz 5T, 12000 km, 1993 convenabil. Tel...

nikko

Vand firma SRL scutita de impozit din 1974. Tel...

codrul

Ionut:
- Nikko? Ai vrea sa mergem cu o masina mare cu multi cai putere pe care nu trebuie sa o conducem noi fiindca are sofer?
Nikko:
- Vai, Ionute, de cand astept acest moment!!!
- Atunci hai repede draga mea ca... vine autobuzul!!!!

nikko

Fac pe dracu-n patru avantajos, doar cu dracul clientului. Ma deplasez.

egalsimulteacoladepedreapta

nikko

Ma doare-n cot. Solicit ajutor umanitar in lei sau Euro.

nikko

Avantajos! Beau si mananc la domiciliul clientului!

nikko

Vand ceas cuc barbatesc mare stare exceptionala.

nikko

Cadrele didactice ale Scolii de Bune Maniere Nr. 23 il baga in stimata mama a domniei-sale pe fostul casier al institutiei, care a fugit cu salariile.

nikko

Sunt fierbinte! Cumpar aspirina, paracetamol.


si un ceai, va rog!

nikko

Brunete dragute, sexy, discrete, oferim masaj total, indicat in diverse afectiuni reumatismale.


cine se plange de dureri de genunchi?!

nikko

Ieftin, frumos, elegant, durabil, repede, garantat, avantajos! Orice!

nikko

Vitrina, adevarata nepoata a vestitei Mama Omida, premiata la intilnirea mondiala a vrajitoarelor din Spania, singura detinatoare a fusului fermecat din aur, aparuta la toate posturile, repar video-TV alb-negru si color.

Calculatoare n-o repara?!

nikko

De vanzare vagon CFR. Relatii la tel...

:)))))))))))))))))))

codrul

Se intalneste ursul cu cainele lup.

- Tu ce esti, ma?
- Caine lup!
- Cum adica?
- Asa bine, mama caine tata lup...!
-Dar tu ce naiba esti?
- Urs furnicar....
-Hai ba du-te...chiar ma crezi prost...???

nikko

Consumati cu încredere supa de pasare vegetariana.

:))))))))))))0

codrul

Povesteste tziganu:
"Ma duc dimineatza la pescuit, c-ham 9 puradei flamanzi.... Si stau, si stau, si seara prind un amarat de pestisor galben... Ma uit in galeatha - ghoala, manca-ti-as... Zic: Duthe-n amharu thau, amharatule! Ma duc spre casa cu bicicleta, ce sa vezi: se fhace-n Mertzanu' asta, de zic thoti ca l-am fhurat; ajung acasa, o vila, manca-ti-as... O inthreb pe phiranda:
- De undhe-i vila asta tu?
- Nu stiu, ma tzigane!
Ii povestesc ce-am pathit, si-atunci imi zice tziganca:
- Ia o oala cu rame, si-i du la peste si-i multumeste! Si-ajung la lac, il strig pe pestisor, si-l intreb:
- Cum sa te rasplatesc, pestisorule? Si el zice ca are tot ce vrea, ca-i fhermecat, manca-mi-ar, da' zice sa-i dau o m**e. Si se da de trei ori peste cap, si se face o mandrete de fata de 16 ani...onorata instanta!

nikko

Un oltean hotaraste ca trebuie neaparat sa se apuce de parasutism. Se duce tipul la un club. astia il baga in primul avion...
La momentul potrivit, deschide usa avionului si se arunca. Trage de sfoara... dar nimic! in cadere, trece pe langa alti olteni care zburau in sus...
Tipul le zice:
-Hei! Voi nu stiti cum se deschide o parasuta?
Iar aia raspund:
-Nu, da' tu stii cumva cum se face gratar la butelia cu gaz?

nikko

Un mosneag de nouazeci de ani statea pe o banca in parc, plangand. Un tip trece pa langa el si-l intreaba de ce plange. Printre lacrimi, batranul raspunde:
- Iubesc o fata de douazeci si cinci de ani...
- Si ce-i rau in asta? intreaba tanarul.
Continuind sa planga, mosul raspunde:
- Nu intelegi... In fiecare dimineata, inainte ca ea sa plece la lucru, facem dragoste. In pauza de pranz vine acasa, imi pregateste masa si apoi facem din nou dragoste. Seara vine acasa cat de repede poate si mai facem o repriza de sex. Iar dupa cina, toata noaptea facem dragoste in continuu...
- Bine, dar ai o relatie pe care si-ar dori-o orice barbat, mai ales la o varsta asa de inaintata. De ce plangi?
Printre lacrimi, batranul raspunde:
- Am uitat unde stau...


codrule, il ajuti?

nikko

Profu la scoala,o intreaba pe stimata Elena BAsescu viitorul verbului'a fura'.
Aceasta foarte convinsa,raspunde: Parnaia domn' profesor!

nikko

Niste vizitatori se opresc dezorientati in fata unei picturi ciudate. Aceasta prezenta nudurile explicite a trei barbati de culoare. Sa spunem ca nudurile erau FOARTE explicite, si ca barbatii erau negri cu totul, in afara de unul, cel din centrul picturii, care avea penisul roz. Stau, se gandesc, ce naiba inseamna pictura, de ce are individul penisul roz. Vine ghidul muzeului si le explica timp de o juma' de ora ca penisul roz semnifica emascularea Afro-americanilor intr-o lume predominant alba, si ca poate insemna si opresiunea fata de homosexuali in societate. Pleca ghidul si se apropie un moshulica de grupul nostru de vizitatori.
- Vreti sa va spun ce-nseamna cu adevarat tabloul?
- Ce te face sa crezi ca ai priceput mai bine ca ghidul?
- Pai eu l-am pictat. Astia nu sunt negri, sunt mineri din Valea Jiului, iar ala din centru a fost la pranz pe-acasa.

nikko

6 adevaruri in viata :
1) nu poti sa iti atingi toti dintii cu limba .
2) toti idiotii incearca dupa ce citesc asta.
3) primul adevar e o minciuna.
4) zambesti acum pt ca esti un idiot.
5) vei trimite mai departe unui alt idiot.
6) inca mai ai un zambet pe fata ..

:D

nikko

Intr-o zi, o tanara femeie cauta in tot orasul un cadou pt. sotul ei. La un moment dat, trecand pe langa un magazin cu animale, isi zice: "Da' de ce nu i-as cumpara un animalut de companie?!?"
Intra in magazin si se opreste in fata unei broaste. Pretul afisat era exorbitant: 10.000 euro. Intrigata se idreapta spre vanzator intrebandu-l:
- Ce are de special aceasta broasca pt. a costa asa de mult???
- Costa asa de mult pt. ca face s*x oral mai bine decat o zeita.
Femeia isi zice atunci ca ar fi un cadou f. original si ca in mod sigur o sa-i faca placere barbatului ei (mai ales ca ei nu prea ii place sa faca asta...).
Cumpara broasca si pleaca bucuroasa.
Seara i-o ofera barbatului ei, ii ureaza "La multi ani!" si se duce la culcare.
Pe la 3 dimineata o trezesc niste zgomote ciudate. Sotul ei nu era langa ea. Era in bucatarie cu sortul pus, plin de faina din cap pana-n picioare, cu borcane desfacute peste tot, sucul de rosii pe foc etc. etc... si cu broasca langa el (care se uita la el cu ochii bulbucati)
- Dar ce faci, draga, la ora asta???
Barba-su ii raspunde:
- Daca reusesc sa o invat sa faca si de mancare... tu te cari!!!...

nikko

- De maine eşti liber! îl anunţă bucuros avocatul pe clientul lui.
- Da, mă bucur foarte tare, n-am ce zice, bombăni deţinutul. Mă chinui vreme de 5 ani să pregătesc o scară de franghie, 3 ani ca să pilesc zăbrelele şi dumneata îmi vii cu decretul de amnistie tocmai acum, cand eram gata să evadez..

nikko

- Azi noapte m-a atacat un hoţ pe stradă. Era trecut de miezul nopţii, mă întorceam singur de la nişte amici.
- Şi ce-ai păţit?
- Dacă-ţi spun, n-o să mă crezi. M-a somat. Eu nu aveam nimic la mine, nici măcar ceasul. M-a controlat. În final, vazand că n-am nici un sfanţ şi de pe legitimaţia de serviciu că sunt funcţionar de stat, mi-a dat o hartie de 50 de lei, spunandu-mi:
- Ia un taxi, amăratule, să nu te mai atace cineva!

nikko

-Unde lucrezi dumneata? întreabă poliţistul.
- Nicăieri. Sunt şomer.
- Şi dumneata?
- Eu sunt adjunctul dumnealui

codrul

Cuplul de vis, plecat in concediu la...pescuit! e normal, nu? ca doar nu era sa mearga la...prazuit!!
el:
ce mancam draga mea astazi?
ea:
la cum pescuiesti tu dragul meu am un meniu nemaipomenit si e si...pescaresc pe deasupra!!!
dimineata CRAP... de foame eu si tu deasemeni,
la pranz STIU CA ...n`am nici eu dar n-ai nici tu ce manca,
seara SOMN ...pe stomacul gol...

Hai la masa, iubitule!

codrul

Un mare amator de pescuit si cam disparut de ceva vreme de printre noi ca deh, omul are niscavai treburi de rezolvat, se intoarce mai devreme ca de obicei de la balta...

Iubitei lui nu-i mai ramane timp sa-si ascunda ...amantul. Cu o voce plangatoare se adreseaza moldoveanului :

-Te rog, iubitule, nu aprinde lumina. Ma doare cumplit capul.
El, un tip foarte grijuliu se dezbraca pe intuneric. Cand vrea sa intre in pat, ea cu un glas mieros de...olteanca apetisanta:

-Te rooooog, scumpul meu, du-te pana  la farmacie si adu-mi niste antinevralgice !
El, un tip foarte atent la nevoile iubitei, se imbraca din nou pe intuneric si alearga sa aduca ce i s-a cerut.

-De ce ma privesti asa ciudat ? il intreaba el pe farmacist observand privirile acestuia. Nu ma mai cunosti ?

-Cum sa nu te cunosc ? Esti patronul de la firma...si esti unul din cei mai impatimiti pescari. Dar ma intreb de ce unul ca dumneata alearga noaptea prin oras in uniforma de politist...

codrul

La un spital ajunge un tip cu umarul dislocat... facut... varza .. ce mai..
Doctorul intreaba :
- Dom`le cum ai ajuns in halul asta? Te-a lovit trenul?
Pacientul raspunde:
- Nuuu.. dom. doctor... sa vedeti... eu lucram langa un tablou de inalta tensiune... la un moment... o pietricica mi-a intrat in cizma... cu o mana... m-am spijinit de capacul tabloului electric si am inceput sa scutur piciorul... ca pietricica din cizma sa se mute si sa pot calca... Un alt coleg sapa un sant... cand... vazand cum ma scutur... mi-a sters una cu lopata... ca sa ma scoata... de "sub tensiune" .

codrul

Storm la doctor:
- Domnule doctor, de cate ori îmi scot sutienul, mi se ridică sanii şi mi se întăresc sfarcurile.
- Ia să vedem!
Blonda noastra cea sexoasa scoate bluza, apoi sutienul si sanii, zvac!
- Fantastic, se minună doctorul.
- E grav, domnule doctor?
- Grav nu e, dar asa e de molipsitor, ceva de speriat...

realista4ever

Un vultur sta de cateva ore degeaba pe o craca.
Un iepure mic vine si il intreaba:
- Pot sa stau si eu ca tine, fara sa fac nimic?
- Da, ii raspunde vulturul, de ce nu!
- Asa ca iepurele se aseza si el sa se odihneasca.
Dintr-o data apare o vulpe si-l inhata.

Morala: Ca sa stai si sa nu faci nimic trebuie sa stai foarte, foarte sus!

codrul

Si au trecut anii...personajele principale: o fetita mica mica si mama ei, o olteanca cu gurita dulce careia mai nou...i se falfaie!!! puisorul de olteanca o intreaba pe mama sa:
- Muica, de ce tata e asa de chel?
- Deoarece are multa minte...
- Dar de ce tu ai asa de mult par pe cap?
- Mananca si taci!

realista4ever

Un tanar, angajat la un supermarket, se prezinta la prima zi la lucru. Administratorul il saluta, da noroc si il intampina cu un zambet cald. Ii intinde o matura si spune: prima ta sarcina este sa speli pe jos tot magazinul. Dar tocmai am terminat facultatea, raspunde tanarul indignat. Imi pare rau, nu am stiut, raspunde administratorul luand inapoi matura si spune: am sa iti arat eu cum!

realista4ever

Doi tineri turisti sunt opriti de un politist pe autostrada. Politistul se apropie, cere carnetul de sofer si talonul de inregistrare si vazand ca trebuie sa astepte dupa ele, ii da una peste cap soferului.

- Asta pentru ca nu ai carnetul de sofer la indemana, se rasteste el. N-am toata ziua la dispozitie!. Dupa ce ii da soferului o amenda, politistul trece de cealalta parte a masinii si ii da una pste cap si pasagerului.

- Auuuu!, striga pasagerul. De ce-ai facut asta?

- Asta ca sa-ti indeplinesc visul, ii raspunde politistul. Stiu ca dupa ce ati fi pornit la drum i-ai fi spus prietenului tau "Pacat ca nu si-a incercat norocul cu mine!".

=))))))))))))))))))

realista4ever

Un oltean si un ardelean in tren. stranuta olteanu, ardeleanu:"sanatate, numai bine". Stanuta din nou olteanu, ardeleanu:"tot ce-ti doresti, sanate, noroc". Stranuta si ardeleanu, olteanu:"racisi firea-l dreacu".

codrul

Cuplu de tineri insuratei veseli si tandri in compartiment cu un ciufu t. Trece vremea, cei doi scot o sticla de suc. Ca sa mai imbuneze mutra neagra din fata lor ii ofera de baut.
- Nu beau. cei doi se retrag usor dezamagiti.
Dupa un alt timp. Fata scoate pachetelul de mincare si, gratios, ofera calatorului incruntat.
- Nu maninc.
Cei doi ies un pic pe culoar si, dupa o scurta sfatuiala, ajung la concluzia ca poate vecinul s-a suparat ca nu s-au facut nici un fel de prezentari. Reintra in compartiment, iar sotul, plin de complezenta, zice:
- Sotia mea ...
- Nu f*t!!!

nikko

stormmmm!:*

codrul

Citind ziarul, moldoveanul nostru gaseste un articol care i se pare foarte interesant si i-l arata iubitei:
-Aici scrie ca in Argentina, barbatii primesc pentru fiecare act sexual 50 de pesos... asta inseamna cam 50 lei... Cred ca am sa ma mut si eu in Argentina! iti dai seama ce usor isi castiga barbatii de acolo banii?
Razand in hohote, olteanca ii spune:
-In cazul acesta, vreau sa merg si eu cu tine!
-Vrei sa mergi cu mine? De ce? intreaba mirat el.
-Ca sa vad si eu CUM REUSESTI TU SA TE DESCURCI CU 100 DE PESOS PE LUNA!!!

asa ca fetelor, eu sunt aici si inca nu-s de rusine cum prea bine vedeti...auzisi furtuna mea?

codrul

Se intlneste Storm cu Nikko:
-Ai o rochie frumoasa! De unde ai cumparat-o?
-De la cel mai scump magazin. Este penultimul strigat.
-De ce penultimul?
-Pai, ultimul va fi al moldoveanului, cand va vedea cat am dat pe ea!!!!

codrul

Unele afise si lozinci au o tenta comica de neuitat...

Pe usa unui salon dintr-o maternitate: Impinge!

Pe furgoneta unui instalator: Noi reparam ce a pus la punct sotul dvs.

Pe usa unui salon de chirurgie plastica: Te ajutam sa-ti scoti nasul in lume.

In antecamera unui veterinar: Ma intorc in 5 minute. Sezi! Stai jos!

Intr-un magazin cu animale de casa: Cumperi un caine, iei un singur purice.

Intr-un salon unde nu se fumeaza: Daca vedem fum, o sa credem ca ai luat foc si punem stingatorul pe tine!

In cabinetul unui oftalmolog: Daca nu vezi ceea ce cauti, ai venit la locul potrivit.

La intrarea intr-un magazin de pompe funebre: Sofeaza cu atentie. Noi asteptam.

codrul

I: De cred evreicele ca prostitutia e o afacere buna?
R: O ai, o vinzi pe bani buni si inca o ai...

codrul

Intrebare la Radio Erevan:
- Homosexualii pot face copii?
- Nu, dar ei tot incearca...

codrul

La Radio Erevan un ascultator intreaba:
- Ce este un "titlu onorific"?
Radio Erevan raspunde:
- Titlu onorific este atunci cand sotia spune: "Sotul meu este capul familiei".

alynabest

Neatza! :D

codrul

iar a disparut lumea...urasc mess-ul!

nikko

rozalia1!:*