Bancul Zilei

mmaria

Buna dimineata, cu stelute si somn pufos!:*:*:*

25

College
                                     
                              by Dave Barry
   
 
 Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
 going to college.  (That is, of course, a lie.  The only things you
 young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex.  Trust
 me: these are closely related to college.)

   College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
 two thousand hours and try to memorize things.  The two thousand
 hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
 sleeping and trying to get dates.
   Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

   * Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).  These
 include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
 crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

   * Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
 These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology,
 - - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on.  The idea is, you memorize these
 things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
 If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
 in college for the rest of your life.

   It's very difficult to forget everything.  For example, when I was
 in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
 three metaphysical poets other than John Donne.  I have managed to
 forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
 named Vaughan and Crashaw.  Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
 something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
 in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
 my mind, right there in the supermarket.  It's a terrible waste of
 brain cells.

25

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
 choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
 forget the most things about.  Here is a very important piece of
 advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
 and Right Answers.

  This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
 or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts.  If, for
 example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class
 one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
 the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
 to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
 the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.  The same is true of
 chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
 combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you.  He wants you to
 come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
 agreed on.  Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

   So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
 psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
 understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
 virtually no actual facts.  I attended classes in all these
 subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

   ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
 read little snippets of just before class.  Here is a tip on how to
 get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
 book that anybody with any common sense would say.  For example,
 suppose you are studying Moby-Dick.  Anybody with any common sense
 would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
 in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
 times.  So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
 Republic of Ireland.

25

Your professor, who is sick to death of
 reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
 enormously creative.  If you can regularly come up with lunatic
 interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

   PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
 deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
 You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

   PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
 Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams.  I once spent an
 entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
 sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing.  The rat
 learned much faster.  My roommate is now a doctor.

   If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
 you should major in psychology.

   SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
 away the number one subject.  I sat through hundreds of hours of
 sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
 once heard or read a coherent statement.  This is because
 sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
 their time translating simple, obvious observations into
 scientific-sounding code.  If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
 have to learn to do the same thing.  For example, suppose you have
 observed that children cry when they fall down.  You should write:
 "Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
 of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists
 between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
 forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
 get a large government grant.

25

The following are new Error Messages seen in Windows Vista:

1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.

2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.

3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.

4) Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.

6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.

7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game?

9) Windows message: “You have just made a type mismatch! Shall I format your brain?”

10) This is a message from God: “Rebooting the universe, please log off.”

11) Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted… Cereal port not responding.

13) COFFEE.SYS missing… Insert cup and press any key.

14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted… Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)

15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

16) Bad or missing mouse driver. Spank the cat? (Y/N)

17) Runtime Error 6D at 417 A:32CF: Incompetent User.

18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

19) WinErr 547: LPT1 not found… Use backup… PENCIL & PAPER.

20) User Error: Replace user.

21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 – “OS/2 found: Remove it? (Y/Y)”

22) Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic. Evidence Nuker Software will permanently delete everything you want erased.

25

Apropo de turismul rural, cativa turisti ii spun sateanului care le-a inchiriat casa:
- Bade, totul ar fi senzational, exceptand situatia deplorabila a grupurilor sanitare! Nu te poti duce linistit la veceu din cauza mustelor care roiesc si zumzaie intr-una!
- Apai, domnilor, ia mergeti domniile voastre sa va faceti nevoile, la ora pranzului, cand toate mustele alea se aduna in sala de mese!

25

Doctorul ii dicteaza asistentei un diagnostic in latina. Pacientul, usor agitat:
- Spuneti-mi domnule doctor, sufar de vreo boala rara?
- Da de unde! Jumatate din cimitir e plin cu cei care au avut boala dumneavoastra!

25

Trei pensionari discuta la coada de la plata impozitului:
- Fratilor, s-a prapadit Popescu! Avea doar 68 de ani…
- Dar si Vasilescu a murit, la numai 66!
- Si Georgescu! Abia implinise 67…
- ‘ tu-le mama lor! Sa stiti ca astia ne baga ceva in pensie!!!

25

- Ai auzit ca in Bucuresti, un om e calcat de masina la fiecare jumatate de ora?
- Vai, dar ce-or avea cu bietul om???

25

-Ospatar, fii amabil, spune clientul, am comandat o friptura cu os!
- Da, domnule, v-am adus-o. Care este problema?
- Vrei sa vezi daca nu cumva carnea a ramas in bucatarie?

25

Intrebare: – Ce credeti, cine sunt mai inteligenti: femeile sau barbatii?
Raspuns: – Desigur, femeile! Ati vazut vreodata o femeie care sa se casatoreasca cu un barbat numai pentru faptul ca alesul sau are picioare lungi?

Cristina7

Neatza :* :*

maryjan

neatza buna

STORM

neata :*

blackdeath22

SALUTAREEE

Gabri_el

neatzaaaaa

akun2500

"Cînd Alexander Bell a inventat telefonul, a văzut că are 2 apeluri nepreluate de la Chuck Norris."

codrul

ziua buna la domniile voastre!

codrul

"Sanatoasa" nu putea sa-si inchipuie de ce e atat de populara.
- Sa fie oare parul meu blond prea stralucitor? o intreaba pe o prietena.
- Nu numai.
- Sa fie oare silueta mea atragatoare?
- Nu numai.
- Sa fie oare pieptul meu prea proeminent?
- Nu numai
- Atunci cedez.
- Asta e!

codrul

Daca senzualitatea ar fii amendata... stiu o blonda care ar lua amenda la fiecare colt de strada!!!!

codrul

Gyovy la doctor:
- Dom' doctor am o problema.
- Spune ca de-aia sunt aici.
- Sunt un om de afaceri cu succes, merg cu afaceri in tara si cand ajung acasa o vad pe iubita mea blonda cum ma insala cu cel mai bun prieten.
- Bine domne dar eu sunt doctor...
- Lasa-ma sa termin. Scot pistolul sa-l impusc si ea spune: 'stai calm nu te enerva ca daca-l omori faci puscarie si eu cu cine te mai insel? Mai bine stam la o cafea si discutam problema'.
- Da domnle dar eu sunt doctor...
- Lasa-ma sa termin. In urmatoarea saptamana la fel si dupa aia chiar in fiecare zi.
Si asta timp de vreo doua luni dom doctor ea ma insala cu prietenul meu padurean si de fiecare data ea imi da cafea sa beau ca sa ma calmez si discutam problema'.
Asa ca dom' doctor, vroiam sa intreb, e sanatos sa bei atata cafea?

Adyctin

Gasindu-si nevasta cu un strain in pat, o intreaba:
- De la el e suta de dolari pe care mi-ai dat-o ieri?
- Da…
- Si cei 200$ de saptamana trecuta?
- Da…
- Atunci inveleste omul, ca raceste.

Adyctin

Intr-un orasel, un politist opreste un motociclist care se grabea cam tare.
- Domnule ofiter, spune motociclistul, pot sa va explic.
- Nici un cuvant! sare ofiterul. Te las sa te calmezi la inchisoare pana cand se intoarce seful meu.
- Dar, domnule ofiter, vreau doar sa spun ca…
- Ti-am spus sa te linistesti. Acum te duci la inchisoare!
Peste cateva ore, ofiterul vine sa vada ce mai face detinutul:
- Hai, fii linistit, din fericire pentru tine, seful este la nunta fiicei lui. O sa vina foarte bine dispus de acolo.
- Credeti? spune detinutul. Eu sunt mirele.

codrul

Scufitza roshie mergea prin padure noaptea, se intalneste cu lupul cel mare si rau:
- Scufitzo nu ti-e frica sa te plimbi singura asa noaptea prin padure????
- NU! de ce sa-mi fie frica? Bani nu am... sa ma f*t imi place...

codrul

Patru doamne stau de vorba, la o cafea, despre copiii lor.
Una dintre ele spune:
- Fiul meu este preot. Cand apare pe undeva, toata lumea ii spune "Parinte".
- Si fiul meu este episcop si toata lumea ii spune "Luminatia Voastra", se lauda si cea de a doua
Cea de- a treia nu se lasa mai prejos si zice si ea:
- Fiul meu este cardinal si toata lumea i se adreseaza cu "Excelenta Voastra".
Cea de-a patra doamna isi savura cafeaua in tacere. Vazand asta, prietenele ei se indreapta spre ea si o intreaba
- Ei, dar fiul tau?
- Fiul meu,(zice mama) este o frumusete de mascul la 1 metru 97, un dansator... plin de muschi, iar cand apare pe undeva toata femeile exclama: "Oh, Dumnezeule!!!!!"

codrul

Badea Gheorghe se duce in Korea.
Il asteapta un corean forte amabil la aeroport ca saluta:
- Yon KUNKOY
- Gheorghe... Cu Doua

codrul

Se batea Gyovy cu Codru pentru o “sanatoasa”.  Il prinde Codru pe Gyovy si-l tranteste de pamant bagandu-l in pamant pana la glezne. Tocmai atunci pe acolo zbura corbu' si cand il vede zice Gyovy catre corb:
-Corbule corbutule adu-mi un cioc de apa si-ti voi da un codru intreg de  halit.
Aduce corbu' un cioc de apa lui Gyovy si asta il baga pe Codru in  pamant pana la genunchi.
Atunci zice si Codru catre corb:
-Corbule corbutule adu-mi un cioc de apa si ti-l voi da pe Gyovy sa-l  halesti.
Aduce corbu' iar un cioc de apa si atunci il baga Codru pe Gyovy in pamant  pana la buric.
Zice iar Gyovy catre corb:
-Corbule corbutule adu-mi iar un cioc de apa si-ti voi da ast codru de halit.
Aduce corbu' iarasi un cioc de apa si Gyovy il baga pe Codru in pamant pana la  brau.
Codru nu se lasa si striga:
-Corbule corbutule adu-mi te rog inca un cioc de apa si ti-l voi da pe Gyovy sa-l halesti si la sanatoasa sa privesti.
Aduce corbu' saracu iara un cioc de apa si Codru il baga pe Gyovy in pamant pana la gat.
Zice Gyovy catre corb:
-Corbule corbutule adu-mi un cioc de apa si-ti voi da un codru intreg de halit.
Dar corbu' satul de promisiunea lui Gyovy :
-Da pai ce  p.l.m.  faceti, va bateti sau beti apa....?

codrul

Definitia unei seri romantice pentru un barbat:
... Sex...

codrul

la revedere fetelor si va pup...din mers!!!

Adyctin

Priviti cateva secunde poza alaturata. Priviti-o. Dupa ce va opriti din ras, aflati ca semnul e prezent in metrourile din Japonia.

Imagine ataşată

Asta  inseamna "Cedeaza locul persoanelor cu mana ranita, celor cu copii in brate, femeilor gravide si persoanelor cu rani la picioare".




Eu am crezut ca "Daca ai o erectie, i-o tragi uneia, ramine gravida...in situatia asta ai cam "facut" pe tine!" :)