Joke of the Day

25

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?"  he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care
of you."
"What about sleeping?  Do you sleep okay?"
"No problem at all --- nine hours solid every night.  At 10
o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra
tablet, and that's it.  I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he
rushes off to question the Nurse in charge. "What are you
people doing?" he asks.  "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old
Viagra on a daily basis.  Surely that can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give
him a cup of chocolate and a Viagra tablet.  It works
wonderfully well.  The chocolate makes him sleep, and the
Viagra stops him rolling out of bed."

25

Sidney has a problem with premature ejaculation, so he pays a visit to a
sex shop for a remedy. The clerk hands him a little purple can and
says, "This is Stay-Hard spray... put on a little and you can go all
night!"
Excited, Sidney takes it home, stashes it in the cellar on a shelf, and
waits eagerly for bedtime. Later that night, he sprays some on his member
and then goes upstairs to his wife. To his utter disappointment, however,
the remedy seems to make him orgasm quicker than ever.
The next day, Sidney returns to the sex shop, angrily slammed the can down
on the counter, and snaps, "This stuff makes me worse than before!"
Upon reading the label, the clerk asks, "I don't suppose your hid this
stuff on your basement shelf, did you?"
"Yeah, so?"
"You must have grabbed the wrong can, sir... this is Easy-Off."

25

"Get this." said the bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was
down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything." his mates asked.
"yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts.
The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

Carboplex

ZAAPPPP!!

25

The State of the Joke -- Part 1

A joke for every state in the union -- Part 1.

- - -

Alabama
Did you hear about the $3,000,000 Alabama State Lottery?
The winner gets $3 a year for a million years.

Alaska
An Alaskan was on trial in Anchorage.The prosecutor leaned menacingly toward him and asked,"Where were you on the night of October to February?"

Arizona
It's so hot in Arizona,cows are giving evaporated milk and the trees are whistling for dogs.

Arkansas
An Arkansas state trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40. He says to the driver,"Got any ID?"
The driver asks, "'Bout what?"

California
The Los Angeles Police Department, the FBI, and the CIA want to see who is best at catching perps. So a rabbit is released into the forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in.They place animal informants throughout the forest.They question all plant and mineral witnesses.After months of extensive investigation, they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in.After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit.
The LAPD goes in.They come out two hours later, dragging a bruised mountain lion behind them. The mountain lion's yelling,"Okay! Okay!I'm a rabbit!I'm a rabbit!"

Colorado
How do you know you're in the presence of a real Coloradan?
He carries his $3,000 mountain bike atop his $500 car.

Connecticut
What's the difference between Massachusetts and Connecticut?
The Kennedys don't own Connecticut.

Delaware
A DuPont chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any acetylsalicylic acid?"
"You mean aspirin?" says the pharmacist.
"That's it! I can never remember that word."

Florida
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that's the law. --Jerry Seinfeld

Georgia
How do you know you live in Georgia? When all directions start with "Go down Peachtree..." and include the phrase "When you see the Waffle House..."

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Idaho
Want to join a militia? Idaho's your state. Here are some terms to learn:
Commander: Whoever starts the unit.
Second in Command: His best friend.
Auxiliary Commander: His wife.
Captain: New guy.
Militia Headquarters: The basement of whoever has the fax machine.
Squad: Guys in the ambulance who come out when a militia member accidentally shoots himself during training.

Illinois
This is how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough."
--Richard Jeni

Iowa
What do they call 100 John Deeres circling a McDonald's in Iowa? Prom night.

Kansas
What do a jackknifed semi in Ohio, a guy getting a divorce in Alabama, and a tornado in Kansas have in common? They're all fixin' to lose a trailer.

Kentucky
How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Kentucky? If it'd been invented anywhere else, it would have been called a teethbrush.

Louisiana
What differentiates a zoo in Louisiana from other zoos? The Louisiana zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.

Maine
After surveying property along the New Hampshire and Maine border, some engineers decided the boundaries needed to be changed. So they stopped to tell a farmer that he was no longer in Maine but in New Hampshire. "Good," said the farmer. "I couldn't take another one of those Maine winters."

Maryland
An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the Naval Academy in Annapolis when he stops a plebe walking by. "Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?"
"Sure, buddy," says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.
"That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?"
The plebe snaps to attention and barks, "No, sir!"

Massachusetts
Lewis Black on Boston traffic: "The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'"

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Michigan
What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions.

Minnesota
What are the four seasons in Minnesota? Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

Mississippi
How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

Missouri
A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, "Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?"
The bartender says, "Listen, pal, I'm from St. Louis, and I won't appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he's from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?"
"No," says the guy from Kansas City. "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Montana
Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window. "What are you doing?" asks the Nebraskan.
"We have so many of these things in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them."
A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window. "What are you doing?" asks the gal from Montana.
"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them."
Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out.

Nevada
Las Vegas: All the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato.
--Jason Love

New Hampshire
The state motto is "Live Free or Die," which appears on license plates made by prisoners.

New Jersey
As you know, the bear hunting season in New Jersey is a little bit different. First they shoot the bear and then they bury it in a construction site.

25

New Mexico
Traveling outside Taos, a man comes upon a Native American lying in the middle of the road with his ear pressed against the blacktop. "What are you doing?" asks the man.
The tribesman replies, "Woman, late 30s, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four-door station wagon, traveling at 65 mph."
"Amazing! You can tell all of that just by listening to the ground?"
"No," says the Native American. "They ran over me five minutes ago."

New York
I moved to New York City for my health. I'm paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified.
--Anita Weiss

North Carolina
On his first trip to Boston, the North Carolinian met a girl at a bar and asked her, "Do you go to Harvard?"
The girl responded, "Yale."
"Okay. DO YOU GO TO HARVARD?!"

North Dakota
What's a seven-course meal in North Dakota? A hamburger and a six-pack.

Ohio
How do you know you're from Ohio? You own only three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

Oklahoma
How can you tell if an Oklahoman is married? There's dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Oregon
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses him aside. Curious, Howard asks Satan,
"Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?"
"They're from Oregon," Satan replies. "They're too wet to burn."

Pennsylvania
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse's mouth? A mechanic.

South Dakota
A tough old Badlands rancher once told his grandson that the secret to long life was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning. The grandson did this religiously, and he lived to be 93. When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great-grandchildren ... and a 15-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

25

South Carolina
While fishing off Myrtle Beach, a Yankee tourist capsized his boat. Petrified, he yelled to an old guy standing on the shore, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward shore.
Halfway there, he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do anything," the old guy said. "The sharks got 'em."

Tennessee
Do you know what you get when you play a country tune backward? You get your job back, your house back, your wife back, your dog back …

Texas
Kinky Friedman, entertainer and former Texas gubernatorial candidate, explains how to speak Texanese: "Y'all is singular. All y'all is plural. All y'all's is plural possessive."

Utah
An elderly Mormon visits his doctor and asks if he'll live to be a hundred.
"Do you smoke or drink?" asks the doctor.
"Those things have never and will never touch my lips," says the man.
"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?"
"Nope, don't believe in doing any of that, either."
"Well then," says the doctor, "what do you want to live to be a hundred for?"

Vermont
What did the guy from Burlington say to the
Pillsbury Doughboy? "Hey, nice tan."

Washington
In Seattle you haven't had enough coffee until you can thread a sewing machine while it's running.
--Jeff Bezos

West Virginia
What is the West Virginia state flower? The satellite dish.

Wisconsin
Sven notices his neighbor has a sign in his yard-"Boat for Sale."
"Ole," he says, "you don't own a boat. All you got is your old tractor and your combine."
"Yup," said Ole. "And they're boat for sale."

Wyoming
Why are cowboys' hats turned up on the sides? So that three people can fit in the pickup.

realista4ever

nainte de a pleca in armata ardeleanul smulge toate florile din
gradina. Motivul? Lenuta, ca nu cumva sa faca copii din flori!

realista4ever

Un marinar sta in portul Marsiliei si bea de nu se mai tine pe
picioare. Un trecator intra in vorba:
- Stiti ca anual mor peste 10.000 de francezi, din cauza bauturii?
- Nu ma intereseaza! Eu sunt rus!

realista4ever

Se organizeaza un concurs de pictura cu tema "Lenin la Praga". Se prezinta diversi pseudoartisti cu portrete din toate partile ale lui Lenin. Un singur tablou nu il reprezinta pe marele revolutionar ci un barbat cu o femeie pe o pajiste, la un picnic. Juriul catre artist: "Cine e in tablou?" Artistul: "Pai, sotia lui Lenin si soferul acestuia." Juriul: "Si Lenin?" Artistul: "Lenin? La Praga."

codrul

hai sa traiti si buna fetelor!

realista4ever

Doi batranei, dupa ce s-au imbatat, au decis sa mearga la o casa de toleranta. Odata ajunsi acolo patroana ii priveste cu atentie, o cheama pe servitoare si ii zice:
- Du-te in primele doua camere si pune cate o papusa gonflabila in fiecare pat. Mosii astia sunt atat de beti incat nu-si vor da seama de diferenta. N-am de gand sa-mi folosesc fetele pentru nenorocitii astia de mosi.
Servitoarea indeplineste ordinele si batraneii se duc in respectivele camere si "indeplinesc tema ce corespundea locului".
In drum spre casa, unul dintre batrani zice:
- Cred ca femeia care a fost cu mine era moarta!
- Moarta? Spune celalalt. De ce crezi asta?
- Pai nu s-a miscat si nici n-a vorbit in timp ce faceam dragoste.
- Putea fi chiar mai rau, spuse celalalt. Eu cred ca a mea era vrajitoare!
- Vrajitoare!!! De ce naibii zici asta?
- Pai.,sa vezi, cand eram la preliminarii am muscat-o un pic de fund,atunci ea mi-a tras o basina in fata, a iesit zburand pe fereastra si in plus mi-a mai luat cu ea si proteza!!!

realista4ever

Doi tineri se casatoresc. In noaptea nuntii toate rudele asteapta ca ei sa arate cearceaful care sa ateste puritatea sotiei. Dar cum cei doi consumasera mai demult actul, se aflau acum intr-o mare incurcatura. Nevasta sugereaza sa dea cu vopsea cearceaful ca sa ii pacaleasca pe nuntasi. Numai ca singura vopsea pe care o gasesc in camera este de culoare verde. Disperati, folosesc vopseaua si mirele scoate cearceaful pe balcon. Toti nuntasii raman inmarmuriti numai unul striga : - Bravo, mah, i-ai spart fierea!!

codrul

decat sa vorbesc singur mai bine trag ceva...un somn binenteles! sunt sigur ca voi, perversi cum sunteti v-ati gandit la niscavai prostioare...

Carboplex

Dragii mosului, eu va las
sa ma culc cat sunt treaz (;d)
Dau un cap pernei in gura..
n'ati vazut atata ura!

alynabest

G`night, all !! ;x

demlasjr

ne-a rupt realista cu realitatea ei :)))

mishucj

se duce pascani cu muresan la o biblioteca din cluj si intreaba
-aveti cartea cfr echipa clujului?
-mergeti la compartimentul sf

Benu

Daca la ora asta sunt peste 120 de comentarii... oare cate vor fi pana la 11.59pm?! :P

25

How can you tell if you're at a bulemic bachelor party?
The cake jumps out of the girl.

=)))))))

25

The Italian colonel had his brigade arrayed in full parade dress, proudly ready for inspection by the general. That worthy warrior strolled back and forth before the troops, and sniffed and stopped abruptly. "Colonel!" he spat out. "Yes, general!" the colonel quavered. "Your troops, your troops," stormed the general. "They look very nice, they stand very nice, but they stink, man, they stink! Can't you get them to change their underwear?"
He strode away furiously. The colonel sniffed for himself. "The general, yes, he's right. Now, Luigi change with Guiseppi, Carlo change with Giovanni..."

:))))))))))) old & silver

25

cristimilan7 ..mesaje cu scule gen patent si operatii stomatologice .. poti sa le trimiti in particular ... nu aici pe site ...multumesc pentru atentie ...

Amaliaa

eu nu-nteleg bancul asta
La scoala:
- Copii ati citit "Capra cu 3 iezi?"
- Daaaaaaa...!!!!!! (raspunde clasa).
- Tu, asta mic din prima banca, ia spune-ne cati iezi avea capra...?
- Pai povestea se cheama "Capra cu 3 iezi", nu?
-Da.
-Si acum ma intrebati "cati iezi avea capra"?
-Da..
-TREI,...in p**a mea....!!!!!!!!!!!
-Adrian Despot, stai jos, azi ai nota 2!


sa mor yo...o mai fost de vreo 2 ori....

25

Stiinta:

A aparut primul robot cu creier de sobolan

Gordon este primul robot din lume controlat exclusiv prin intermediul unui ceier biologic.Autorii incredibilei performante a ciberneticii se declara uluiti de succesul proiectului lor.
Creierul primitiv al prototipului Gordon a fost realizat dintr-o cultura de neuroni de sobolan de catre specialistii din cadrul Universitatii din Reading.
Experimentul revolutionar s-a dovedit a fi un succes, iar omenirea s-a vazut in sfarsit pusa in fata primului robot actionat pe cale neuronala.De asemeni lumea stiintifica poate studia modul in care creste capacitatea de memorie si invatare a unui creier transplantat unui robot.
“Scopul initial al acestui experiment era acela de a descifra modalitatea in care memoria este depozitata intr-un creier biologic” declara Kevin Warwick, unul dintre creatorii robotului Gordon.Studiind modul in care celulele nervoase iau forma unei retele atunci cand primesc un semnal electric, oamenii de stiinta sunt de parere ca se poate ajunge la combaterea eficienta a maldiilor neurovegetative.
Gordon are un creier compus din 50 000-100 000 neuroni activi. Creierul sau a fost realizat din celule nervoase extrase din fetusii de sobolan.Odata ce aceste celule au fost prelevate si scufundate intr-o baie de enzime, a urmat apoi depozitarea acestora intr-un mediu bogat in nutrienti unde s-a reusit atasarea acestora de 60 de multielectrozi.Aceasta retea de multielectrozi actioneaza ca o interfata intre tesutul viu si robot. Creierul trimite astfel impulsuri electrice catre membrele robotului si proceseaza impulsurile primite de la senzorii exteriori ai robotului.In primele 24 de ore neuronii au fost activi conectandu-se intre ei si procesand informatiile primite.Totusi daca creierul nu va primi stimulari din exterior, va muri in decurs de cateva saptamani.
Gordon nu este controlat de om sau de computer. Aparitia sa a declansat deja scandaluri si controverse in lumea stintifica.

Sursa : Discovery

25

mitu2008 ------>  *********************/ro/fun/bancuri/bancul-zilei-
2008-01-29.html

valent

Mistretul agresiv intra intr-o patiserie:
- Preluati comenzi ?
- Da.
- Culcat !!!

ssymonna

Ion moare.La inmormantare preotul o intreaba pe Maria:
-Vrei sa-l pupi inainte sa-l bagam inauntru?
Maria raspunde plangand: "Asa zicea si el..........."