Bancul Zilei

25

A company chairman was given a ticket for a performance of Schubert's Unfinished Symphony.Since he was unable to go, he passed the invitation to the company's Quality Assurance Manager.

The next morning,the chairman asked him how he enjoyed it and,instead of a few plausible observations,he was handed a memorandum:

1.For a considerable period,the oboe players had nothing to do.Their number should be reduced,and their work spread over the whole orchestra,thus avoiding peaks of inactivity.

2.All 12 violins were playing identical notes.This seems unnecessary duplicative,and the staff of this section should be drastically cut.If a large volume of sound is really required,this could be obtained through the use of an amplifier.

3.Much effort was involved in playing the demi-semiquavers.This seems an excessive refinement, and it is recommended that all notes should be rounded up to the nearest semiquaver. If this were done, it would be possible to use trainees instead of craftsmen.

4. No useful purpose is served by repeating with horns the passage that has already been handled by the strings. If all such redundant passages were eliminated, the concert could be reduced from two hours to twenty minutes.

In light of the above, one can only conclude that had Schubert given proper attention to these matters, he probably would have had the time to finish his symphony.

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25

Doi surdomuti se întîlnesc pe stradâ
.Ce faci Gicâ? ( gesticulînd )
.Eu fac bine.
.(gesticulînd)Cum mâ, tu vorbesti din nou?
.Am fost la doctor si m-a vindecat.
.Dâ-mi si mie adresa;
Dupâ ce aflâ adresa, se duce la doctor acasâ, sunâ la sonerie, îi deschide usa un negrotei cu fustâ pînâ în pâmînt-
.Ce doresti domnule?
.Domnule doctor, prietenul meu mi-a dat adresa dumneavoastrâ si vâ rog sâ mâ ajutati si pe mine sâ vorbesc din nou.
. Bine domne, intrâ si dezbracâ-te
.Pâi doctore, totul e la gît, de ce sâ mâ dezbrac?
.Eu sînt doctorul, eu decid,dezbracâte.
Acum întoarce-te cu spatele la mine
.Pâi problema e în fatâ, si nu în spate domnule doctor
.Eu sînt doctorul, eu decid, executarea
.Acum apleacâ-te
.Domnule doctor, totul este sus, nu jos
.Eu decid, si apleacâ-te.
Sâracul surdomut se executâ, la care doctorul îsi ridicâ sutana, si cu o loviturâ seacâ i-o înfige.
.Aaaaaaaa !!
.Bine, mîine vii pentru b.

25

Un neuron ajunge intr-un creier masculin. Totul este intunecat, fara sa mai fie altcineva... Yu-huuu striga neuronul. Striga degeaba, nici un raspuns. Yu-huuuuuu... nu este nimeni?repeta neuronul. Deodata din intuneric apare un alt neuron: Hei, ce dracu faci aici de unul singur?Suntem toti jos.

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25

How do you know when you're REALLY ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.  

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25

Un pui de tigan ii cere tatalui sau ceva de mincare.Tiganul tata ii raspunde:
-Bea si tu o cana cu apa.
-Dar dupa ce sa o beau?
-Dupa usa.

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25

Q: Whats the difference between Jesus and a picture of Jesus?
A: It only takes one nail to hang a picture of Jesus!

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25

Dimineata sotia,suparata,catre sot:
-Sa stii ca nu esti bun la pat!!Dupa-amiaza,dupa ce isi da seama ca a exagerat ii da telefon sotului:
-Ce faci draga?
-Uite,cer a doua parere..

:)) old ..

Maria: Ioane, ce are magaru cela intre picioare?
Ion: Doamne ,Mario, proasta esti! Da cea-i socoteala lui.
Maria: Da!? D'apai daca stiam ca asa stau lucrurile, imi alegeam barbat dupa urechi nu dupa nas.

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25

In tp unui consiliu profesoral directorul liceului intreaba:
-Cum merge cursul de educatie sexuala?
-Merge perfect.Elevii participa cu asa entuziasm,incat pana la sfarsitul anului scolar va trebui sa deschidem o cresa.

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25

Vara, intr-un InterCity, nasul intreaba:
- In acest compartiment este vreun calator strain?
De fiecare data a primit raspunsul "nu". Dupa ce termina de vizitat si ultimul compartiment, nasul striga partenerului sau:
- Opreste aerul conditionat, in acest vagon sunt de-ai nostri.

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25

Apropo de tema noptii:

- Care-i asemanarea dintre politicieni si porumbei?
- Cat timp sunt jos, iti mananca din palma, dar cand ajung sus, se ca.ca pe tine!

:)

25

Unui secui ii moare nevasta. Dupa inmormantare, preotul vazandu-l suparat se apropie:
-Impaca-te cu gandul ca acum, sotia ta se afla alaturi de Dumnezeu.
Secuiul raspunde amarat:
-Mult de furca va avea cu ea, parinte.

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25

40% din femeile de pe terra nu fac sex decat dupa ce cunosc foarte bine persoana cu care vor sa o faca, in acelasi timp noi barbatii profitam de celelalte femei 60% ramase.

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Un cowboy ii spune altuia:
-Vrei sa ne jucam sotiile la poker ?
-Ok,raspunde celalalt.Dar hai sa adaugam si ceva dolari ca sa fie mai palpitant.

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mama catre fiesa Maria:
-marie, ce ai facut o ora aseara cu ion in gradina...?
-nu stiu mama cum se cheama... dar o sa fie noul meu hobby !!!

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Cum faci sa nu angajezi oameni ghinionisti ?
Arunci jumatate de CV-uri la gunoi !

:))

ce inseamna daca iti albeste parul in cap.?
R: Noroc!
ce inseamna daca iti albeste parul jos...?
R: NOROC BUN !

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25

Cum faci un caine sa faca Miau?
Iei un caine il tavalesti bine prin apa dupa care il bagi in concelator 5,6 ore. Iei drujba si o pui pe el: Miiiiiiaaaaaaaaauuuuu.....

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25

Primul om primitiv catre al doilea om primitiv ,vazand prima femeie primitiva:
-Whooo ' man?
.......si asa i-a ramas numele.

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Some one-liners from the master.

- - -

My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.    =)))))))) LOLOL

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!    :)))))

Last night my wife met me at the front door.She was wearing a sexy negligee.The only trouble was, she was coming home.

A hooker once told me she had a headache.    :))))) lol

If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.    =))

I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.    :)) lol

Seadog

iar nu ai somn 25 ?

puffarina

- Dragul meu trebuie sa ne cumparam o masina mai iute! Mai vedem si noi lumea...
- Care? Lumea asta sau cealalta?

puffarina

Tatal fetei catre viitorul ginere:
- Iti incredintam fata pentru restul vietii, dar te atentionam ca nu mai acceptam reclamatii ulterioare!

puffarina

Un scotian îi trimite iubitei sale o telegrama cu raspuns platit - maximum zece cuvinte. Textul suna asa: "Te iubesc! Vrei sa-mi fii sotie?". Raspunsul a fost: "Da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da, da!".

puffarina

Se duce Maria la mama si-i spune.
- Mama! Nu ma marit cu Ion ca-i impotent.
Mama zice:
- Sa vezi ce-i fac, daca il prind! Mie mi-a zis ca-i electrician!

razvan_spongebob

ce naspa . am ora tre sa plec

nihame

ba cristi, pt ca esti coleg cu mine, iti dau un vot.

Alin_sky_walker

buna ziua

25

IREAL :

SUPRAREALISM Fără probe care să-i demonstreze vinovăţia

Sile Pietroi – pus în libertate pentru că are rate la bănci

Din motivarea sentinţei date de magistratul Maria Tripăduş: „Are 4 maşini luate în leasing, pe care trebuie să le achite cu 300 milioane lei pe lună”

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Traim in Romania (ma rog..unii dintre noi) si asta ne ocupa tot timpul !

pt mai multe detalii:
gandul. info/actualitatea/sile-pietroi-pus-in-libertate-pe
ntru-ca-are-rate-la-banci.html?3927;3548016

nihame

misto cristmilan (by mihnea)

nihame

va place bancul???

cristimilan7

Un barbat se intoarce seara tarziu de la o bauta cu pretenii. Intra in casa...nervos bate cu pumnu' in masa si rage la nevasta-sa:
- "Femeieee...cine e sefu' in casa?"
Femeia scurt ii scapa un dos de palma peste gura. Barbatu resemnat:
- "Da' ce? Nici macar sa intreb n-am voie?"

old gold :)))))))



Un homosexual, care lucreaza la o fabrica de castraveti, se plinge psihiatrului:
- De saptamani sunt stapanit de ideea de a-mi introduce organul genital in taietorul de castraveti. Am visat asta, apoi nu am mai putut dormi. La fabrica nu ma mai puteam concentra la nimic altceva. Ma gindeam mereu la acelasi lucru. Ieri am facut-o!
- Dumnezeule, spuse psihiatrul, si ce s-a intimplat?
- Am fost pe loc concediat.
- Si taietorul de castraveti? S-a stricat?
- Nu, a fost si el dat afara imediat.

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Intr-un compartiment de tren stau 2 tipi. Dupa 2 ore de liniste, unul dintre ei isi spune ca sparge gheata si vrea sa se prezinte. Se concentreaza 2 secunde si scuipa spre celalalt. Scuipatul se apropie de tip dar la 5 cm de acesta face o bolta si trece pe langa. Primul tip (cel care a scuipat) se intinde spre al doilea (cel socat) si spune:
- Popescu. Campion mondial la scuipat.
Al doilea (care si-a revenit intre timp) se concentreaza 2 secunde si scuipa si asta spre celalalt. Scuipatul zboara drept intre ochii lui Popescu. Apoi al doilea spune:
- Ionescu. Incepator.

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I. Cand va incepe Foamea Mondiala?
R. Cand vor incepe chinezii sa manance cu lingura.


De ce nu este bine sa mori lunea ?
- ?!....
- Iti merge prost toata saptamana !


I. E adevarat ca barbatii impotenti traiesc mult?
R. Da, dar degeaba.

Sir si John erau naufargiati pe o insula. Dupa multe luni John vine la Sir tipand:
- Sir, Sir, se vede un vapor la orizont!!!
La care Sir ii spune cu un calm tipic englezesc:
- Linisteste-te John, ce n-ai mai vazut vapoare?

- Care e femininul la tren?
- Tunel.
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cristimilan7


A plane is on its way to Montreal when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy and that she will have go sit in the back.

The blonde replies "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is some blonde bimbo sitting in First Class that belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.

The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Montreal and I'm staying right here!" The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman that won't listen to reason.

The pilot says "I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde and I have learned to speak 'blonde'!" He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and without question she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section. The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and ask him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to Montreal."



A brunette is trying to get across a river and suddenly she spots a blonde on the other side. She yells over to the blonde "Hey, excuse me! How do I get over to the other side?" And after a quick survey of the river, the blonde calls back "You ARE on the other side!"

cristimilan7

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blonde�s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ass?
A. Brain tumor.

cristimilan7

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Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

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