Bancul Zilei

simpson

Un mos de 119 si nevasta de 109 merg la tribunal sa divorteze.
Judecatorul: da de cati ani sunteti casatoriti?
- Apoi au trecut 80 raspunde mosul
Judecatorul: Da de cati ani nu va mai intelegeti?
- Pai de 50, domn judecator
Judecatorul: Si atunci ce ati asteptat pana acu'?
- Sa moara copiii si sa nu sufere, raspunse mosul.

simpson

Medicul catre pacient:
- Aveti o boala contagioasa extrem de rara. O sa fiti mutat intr-o camera separata si acolo veti minca numai pizza si clatite.
- Si astea ma vor ajuta sa ma fac bine?
- Nu, dar asta-i singura mincare care incape pe sub usa

simpson

Maica stareta surprinde intr-o noapte un barbat care incerca sa sara gardul manastirii inapoi in strada.
- Ce-ai cautat aici, nenorocitule ?
- Am vrut sa fur mancare, dar m-au prins maicutele.
- Cand? In seara asta ?
- Nu, acum patru saptamani !

simpson

Pe inserat, taranul Ion sedea pe prispa casei rasfoind ziarul Times, fumand o havana si savurand un whisky....

La un moment dat, dispre grajd se aude vocea Mariei, nevasta-sa:

- Ioane vino sa mulgi vaca!

La care, Ion, dupa ce scutura scrumul, soarbe o inghititura si intoarce pagina la ziar, zice alene:

- Don't disturb me!

Mai tarziu, Maria:

- Ioane haide ma sa mulgi vaca ca bate din copite!!

Ion , la fel:

- Let me cool!

In cele din urma apare Maria, facuta foc, cu mainile in solduri:

- Ioane, mulge ma vaca ca trage sa rupa lantu'!

Calm, taranul Ion scutura trabucul, impatureste ziarul, mai trage un gat din bautura si in sfarsit zice:

- Baby, let me tell you something: I think you've got an obssesion!!!

unu

Q: De ce merg pe strada trei politai si un caine ?
A: Sa aiba 12 clase si o limba straina.

simpson

Intr-un spital un barbat se duce la laborator pentru a-si face o analiza de urina. Sora medicala ramane surprinsa cand vede ca barbatul a venit cu o galeata intreaga de urina. Se uita la el si-i spune:
- Domnule Isaac, nu am nevoie de atata urina... E prea multa. O sticluta imi ajunge.
Dar barbatul insista si pana la urma i se accepta toata galeata. A doua zi, este sunat de la spital acasa si este informat ca in urma analizelor, toata urina depusa a iesit perfecta. Barbatul pune mana pe telefon si-si suna prietenii, stransi intr-un bar si zice:
- Abraham, te-am sunat ca sa le comunici celorlalti ca am iesit cu totii foarte bine la analize...


...si apropo , la primele mele analize si eu m-am dus c-o sticla de 1 L aproape plina de a ris aia de mine 5 minute si m-a trimis sa fac intr-o sticluta miiiica de tooooot  iar mie nu-mi mai venea deloc :)))))

simpson

Libertatea, maneaua si telenovea erau intr-un bar.

Telenovela zice: “Pe mine ma urmaresc gospodinele. Sunt considerata produs de proasta calitate.”

Libertatea zice: “Pe mine ma citesc multi in metrou, dar ma injura aproape toti. Sunt considerata necalitativa.”

Maneaua raspunde vesela: “Dusmanii-mi poarta pica, dar n-au valoarea mea!”

simpson

Un cetatean se trezeste dimineata si, annuitant-se in gradina propriei
case, observa o gorila in stejarul personal.

Intrigat suna la "Asociatia
Coboratorilor de Gorile din Copaci" care il asigura ca vor trimite un om
care ii va rezolva problema. Acesta soseste rapid, fiind dotat cu o bata
de baseball, o pusca, o pereche de catuse si un caine chihuaua.

Cetateanul nostru, uimit il intreaba ce are de gand sa faca.

Omul raspunde: - Eu voi urca in copac, lovesc gorila, ea cade, chihuaua o
musca de testicule, gorila isi va apropia mainile intr-un gest disperat
de aparare, iar dumneata ii vei pune catusele.

- Bine, bine, zice cetateanul, dar pusca la ce foloseste?

- In cazul in care cad eu primul
din copac, impusti chihuaua.

25

Ierarhia intr-o firma...
*President*
Mai iute ca glontul
Mai puternic ca o locomotiva
Poate sa treaca peste o cladire dintr-o singura saritura
Merge pe apa
Vorbeste cu Dumnezeu

*Vicepresident*
Se poate tine dupa glont
Poate impinge trenuri mici
Poate sa sara peste cladiri cu vant favorabil
Merge pe apa daca nu sunt valuri
Vorbeste cu Dumnezeu numai daca i s-a acordat audienta

*Junior Vicepresident*
Poarta mereu un MAC 10
Trage trenuri cu dintii
Poate sa sara peste cladiri mai mici, cu elan
Merge pe apa in bazine acoperite
Uneori Dumnezeu ii aporba o cerere de discutie

*Division Manager*
Poarta o pusca cu teava retezata prin mahalale
Are propriul sau tren
Se catara pe fatada cladirilor
Concureaza la Olimpiada la stilul fluture
Il zareste din cand in cand pe Dumnezeu

*Product Manager*
Nu este dotat cu munitie de razboi
Se teme de trenuri
Se catara pe scara de incendiu
Inoata bine
Are pe birou o icoana cu chipul lui Dumnezeu

25


*Business Unit Manager*
Poarta pistol cu capse
Are macheta unui tren in pivnita
Foloseste usile cladirilor
Poate sa inoate caineste
Poarta mereu o cruce impotriva atacurilor vampirilor

*Programming Manager*
Are nevoie de ajutor ca sa-si umple pistolul cu apa
Fuge dupa trenuri (si masini)
Se intepeneste in usile rotitoare
Poarta vesta de salvare in apropierea apei
Isi spune rugaciunea inainte de culcare

*Programmer*
Prinde gloante in dinti
Arunca trenurile de pe sine
Ridica cladirile si trece pe sub ele
Muta albia raurilor din calea sa
El este Dumnezeu!

simpson

desi am luat-o peste ochi cind am pus bancul tau in aplicare odata , ai votul meu 25 ;))))))))

25

A guy was on trial for murder and if convicted, he would get the electric chair. His brother found out that a redneck was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the redneck that he would be paid $10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.

The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.

After the trial, the brother went to the redneck's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the $10,000.

"I should get more," the crooker juror replied. "It was really hard to convince them." "They all wanted the death penalty, eh?" said the brother. "Naw," said the juror. "All the rest of 'em were all saying we should let him go."

:)))))))))
:))))))))))

NU

O blonda merge la ginecolog ca sa isi masoare ***. Ajuns la doctor acesta ia pizdometrul si ii spune pacientei : VA rog frumos doamna sa departati picioarele.Tipa departeaza picioarele si doctorul  scapa   pizdometrul in ***  si ii spune dupa aceea blondei : Doamna trebuie sa bag mana  ca mia scapat pizdometrul. Blonda : Nici o problema Dl. Doctor bagati.  Baga  doctorul mana si vede ca nu ajunge asha  ca iar scoate capul si ii spune tipei : Domnisoara pot sa intru mai mult ca sa il caut mai bine . Blonda ii spune ca poate sa intre . Intra doctorul si merge ce merge pana vede un generel pe kre il intreaba : Auziti domnul general nu miati vazut pizdometrul ? La kre generalul . Lasal draq de pizdometru , unde mie armata ? :P NU cred ca a mai fost pana acu. Sper sa va placa. :P :D:P  AM CORECTAT GRESEALA DE MAI SUS. MAM GRABIT: AM ZIS ARMATA IN LOC DE PIZDOMETRU :P

25

A nerdy accountant is sent to jail for embezzlement and they put him in a cell with a huge evil looking guy. The big guy says, "I want to have some sex. You wanna be the husband or the wife?" The accountant replies, "Well, if I have to be one or the other, I guess I'd rather be the husband." The big guy says, "Okay. Now get over here and suck your wife's dick."

25

A little old lady goes into the store to do some shopping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper. "Pardon me, sir," she says to the store manager, "but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?" "Well," he replies pointing out one brand, "this is as soft as a baby's bottom. It's $1.50 per roll."

He grabs another and says, "This is nice and soft, strong but gentle, and it's $1.00 a roll." Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, "We call that our No Name brand, and it's 20 cents per roll."

"Give me the No Name," she says. She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager  and says, "Hey! I've got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne." "Why?" he asks. "Because it's rough, it's tough and it don't take crap from anybody!"

25

The officer shouted orders to a nearby soldier. With considerable bravery, the GI ran directly onto the field of battle, in the line of fire, to retrieve a dispatch case from a dead soldier. In a hail of bullets, he dove back to safety. "Private," the officer said, "I'm recommending you for a medal. You risked your life to save the locations of our secret warehouses."

"Warehouses!?" the private shouted. "I thought you said whorehouses!"

**********************

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her young students so she took him aside after class one day.  "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," replied Little Johnny. Holding back an urge to smile, the teacher asked, "With whom?" "With you!" he said. "But Little Johnny," said the teacher gently, "don't you see how silly that is? Sure I'd like a husband of my own someday... but I don't want a child."

"Oh, don't worry," said Little Johnny reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"

25

Bill rents an apartment in Chicago, and goes to the lobby to put his name on the group mailbox. While he was there, an attractive young lady comes out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe. Bill smiles at the young girl, so she strikes up a conversation with him.

As they talk, her robe slips open, and it's quite obvious that she has nothing on under the robe. Poor Bill breaks out into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, he places her hand on his arm and says, "Let's go to my apartment. I hear someone coming..."

Bill follows her into the apartment. Once inside, she leans against the wall allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now completely nude, she purrs, "What would you say is my best feature?"

The flustered, embarrassed Bill stammers, clears his throat several times, and finally squeaks out, "Oh, your best feature has to be your ears!"

25

She's astounded! "Why my ears? Looks at these breasts! They're full, they don't sag, and they're 100% natural! My butt is firm and doesn't sag, and have no cellulite! So, why in in the world would you say my ears are my best feature?"

Clearing his throat once again, Bill stammers, "Because, when we were in the hallway you said you heard someone coming... that was me!"

SUPER TAREEEEE  !!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!
:)))))))))))))))))) :))))))))) :)))))))))))))) :)))))))))) :)))))))
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

25

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone." The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

****

A waitress walks up to one of her tables in a New York City restaurant and notices that the three Japanese businessmen seated there are furiously masturbating. She says, "What the hell do you guys think you are doing?" One of the Japanese men says, "Can't you see? We are all berry hungry." The waitress says, "So how is whacking-off in the middle of the restaurant going to help that situation??" One of the other businessmen replies: "The menu say, FIRST COME, FIRST SERVED!"

:)))))))))))
;))))))))))))))))
;))))))))))))))))))
;)))))))))))))))))))
:))))))))))))))))

25

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions. When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please". With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then..."

*****

Doctor: "Your wife either has Alzheimer's or AIDS." Husband: "How can we find out which?" Doctor: "I need you to run a little experiment this weekend. Take your wife to a park and leave her there. If she finds her way home; don't fuck her."

*****
The rescue team finds the crashed airplane. The lone survivor is chewing on a bone, with a huge pile of human bones next to him, and the rescuers are shocked. He says, "You can't judge me for this. I had to survive." The leader of the rescue team says, "But Jesus Christ, man... your plane only went down yesterday."

25

While in the playground with his friend, Little Johnny noticed that Jimmy was wearing a brand new, shiny watch. "Did you get that for your birthday?" asked Little Johnny. "Nope." replied Jimmy. "Well, did you get it for Christmas then?". Again Jimmy says "Nope." "You didn't steal it, did you?" asks Little Johnny. "No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were 'doing the nasty'. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me.

Little Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself. That night, he waited outside his parents' bedroom until he heard the unmistakable noises of
lovemaking. Just then, he swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom. His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and said angrily. "What do you want now?" "I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

Without missing a stroke, his father said, "Fine. Stand in the corner and watch, but keep quiet."

LOL :))

25

A pirate walks off his ship. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his right eye. He sits down on a bench, and begins throwing peanuts to the seagulls. Two curious young children shyly sit down next to him and ask the pirate how he came to have a wooden leg.
The pirate replies, "Well, I was standing on the deck of me ship one day, and a wave washed me overboard. Then, a hungry shark attacked me and bit me leg off." The little boy then asks, "How did you lose your hand?"
"Many years ago, I was fighting the Navy, and one of them boys cut me hand off. Me doc couldn't find a hand, so he gave me this hook." Next, the little girl asks, "How did you lose your eye?"
"Well, I was standing watch up in the crow's nest, and just as I looked up, a lousy seagull flew over and did his business right in me eye." The children, now thoroughly confused, ask, "How did that cause you to lose your eye?"

The pirate explains, "Well, it was me first day with the hook."


:))) TAREEE

Anna22

Se jucau un vitel si un pucelus.
Vine mama vaca si spune:
-De cite ori ti-am spus sa nu te mai joci cu purcelusul?
-Dar de ce, mama ?
-Pentru ca tatal lui e un PORC.
-Dar mama, el este singurul meu prieten!
-O fi , dar nu te mai juca cu el !
-Dar de ce, mama ?
-Pentru ca mama lui e o SCROAFA !
-Bine, bine, mama dar si tu esti VACA!
-Da. Numai ca tatal tau e MEDIC VETERINAR !

Anna22

La o receptie, un dresor de purici facea demonstratii cu puricele John care sarea exact acolo unde-i spunea dresorul. La un salt, puricele greseste si sare in sutienul unei doamne elegante.
Doamna il recupereaza pe John si i-l inapoiaza dresorului.
Acesta vrea sa continue demonstratia, dar puricele refuza sa mai sara. Revoltat, dresorul se adreseaza doamnei:
-Stimata doamna, ma scuzati, dar acesta nu este John!

Anna22

Pescarul scoase cu greu carligul din gura unui crap mare si frumos.
-Cum ai reusit sa te prinzi in carlig? intreba compatimitor pescarul.
-Am vrut sa ma sinucid, desteptule!!!

Anna22

Un stol de randunele calatoreste spre tarile calde. La un moment dat, un avion cu reactie le depaseste.
-Asta ce-i asa grabit? intreaba una dintre randunele.
-Nu vezi, tu, ca-l arde fundul?

Anna22

Caprita Ilenuta, reuseste sa ajunga la productia record de 20 de litri de lapte pe zi. Asa ca veterinarul a promovat-o, si a trimis-o sa pasca pe islazul vacilor.
O vede taurul, se chioraste la ea si zice:
- Da cu tine ce-i pe-aici?
- Pai deoarece dau 20 de litri de lapte pe zi, veterinarul mi-a dat voie sa pasc in rand cu vacile.
- Atunci sa te duci la el sa te f*ta, ca eu pentru 20 de kile de lapte nu ma pun in genunchi!