Bancul Zilei

Carboplex

zaaaaapppppp!!!!

25

Bula se duce la scoala si-i spune doamnei invatatoare:
- Da` ce bine aratati, doamna invatatoare!
Invatatoarea:
- Afara!!!
Se ridica Bula sa plece…
Invatatoarea:
- Nu tu Bula ,clasa!

GreenChocolate

ups n.am stiut ca a mai fost bancul meu.. greseala mea
ma scuzati :)) :P

25

Little Johnny was in his math's class one day when the teacher
singled him out.
"If I gave you $20," the teacher began," and you gave $5 to Mary,
$5 to Sally and $5 to Susan, what would you have?"
"An orgy," Johnny answered.

25

One day, a young cowboy and a cowgirl decided to get married.
He was a man of the world and she was an innocent bride with no experience.
On the first night of their honeymoon the couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they get into bed, they start exploring each other's bodies.
Things are going fine until the bride discovers her husband's penis.
"Oh my", she says, "What is that?"
"Well, darlin", the cowboy says, "That's ma rope".
She slides her hands further down and gasps.
"Oh my goodness. What's them?" she asks.
"Honey, them's my knots", he answers.
Finally, the couple begin to make love. After several minutes,
the bride says, "Stop honey. Wait a minute".
Her husband, panting a little, asks, "What's the matter honey?
Am I hurting you?"
"No", the bride replies. "Just undo them damn knots. I need more rope!"

=))))))))) =))))))) =)))))))) =)))))))))

25

A little boy was excited about his first day at school. So excited in fact, that only a few minutes after class started, he realized that he desperately needed to go to the bathroom. So he raised his hand politely to ask if he could be excused. Of course the teacher said yes, but asked him to be quick.

Five minutes later he returned, looking more desperate and embarrassed. "I can't find it", he admitted.

The teacher sat him down and drew him a little diagram to where he should go and asked him if he will be able to find it now. The boy looked at the diagram, said "yes" and goes on his way.

Five minutes later he returned to the class room and says to the teacher "I can't find it".

Frustrated, the teacher asked Jon, a boy who has been at the school for awhile, to help him find the bathroom.

So two fellas go together and five minutes later they both return and sit down at their seats. The teacher asks Jon, "Well, did you find it?"

Jon is quick with his reply: "Oh sure, he just had his boxer shorts on backwards"

=))))))) =))))))))) asta imi aduce aminte de clasa I ..a 2-a zi de scoala =)))) =)))))) =))))))

25

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

:))))) morala: semnati-va :))) ... salvati un om ..incurcat =)))

25

A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.

After consulting the Bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."

The man thinks: " What does a priest know about sex?" So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter.

He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. In other words, he goes to a rabbi. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, " My son, sex is definitely play."

The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"

The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."

=))))))) =)))))) ahaaa... acum sexplica :))))) =)))))))

25

"That bastard husband of mine wanted me to sleep with the landlord because he lost the rent money playing poker," the housewife told a neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"I have to admit I did -- though with certain misgivings, I might add. What I haven't done, though, is tell my husband the rent is paid up for six months!"

:))) supLies !!!

Alin_sky_walker

Frizerul il intreaba pe client:
- Cum sa va tund ca sa fiti multumit?
- Gratis!

Medicul mi-a recomandat insistent sa incetez chefurile.
- Care medic?
- Cel de deasupra noastra!

- Aveti oua de casa? intreaba un client vinzatoarea.
- Nu domnule, numai de gaina.

De la o vreme, sotul se intoarce tot mai tirziu acasa, uneori lipsind chiar toata noaptea. Intr-o zi insa, sotia ii spune furioasa:
- Esti atit de infidel incit ma indoiesc ca ai fi tatal copiilor nostri!

La serviciul "Personal" se prezinta un barbat.
- Va rog sa ma angajati, zice el, am 9 copii!
- Bine, bine, i se raspunde, dar ce altceva mai stii sa faci?

- Ce mai este nou, amice?
- Tare-s suparat! Am aflat ca nevasta-mea ma insala.
- Bine, dar eu te-am intrebat ce mai e nou...

Barlad.seby

:)) laso....;))

misterra

Little Luke had a curssing problem and his father was getting tired of it.
He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said, 'Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Luke what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cursses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog shit in place of the gifts or gifts he requests.'
Two days before Christmas, Luke's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas.
'I want a damn teddy bear laying right beside me when I wake up. When I go downstairs I want to see a f*cking train going around the f*ucking tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.'
On Christmas morning, little Luke woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog shit. Confused, he walked downstairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog shit by the garage. When Luke walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, 'What did Santa bring you this year?'
Luke replied, 'I think I got a dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch".

misterra

Metoda logica de vanat iepuri:
Ustensile: O caramida, un morcov, piper
Te duci in padure si pui caramida intr-un loc deschis, unde poate fi observata cu usurinta. Peste caramida asezi morcovul, iar pe morcov pui piper. Apoi, te ascunzi in desis. Iepurele vine, vede morcovul, da sa-l manance, inspira piperul, stranuta si se da cu capul de caramida
Metoda logica de vanat ursi:
Ustensile: Un cub mare de gheata, o oglinda mare, un sac de faina
Mergi in padure. Sprijini oglinda de un copac, pui cubul de gheata langa oglinda, apoi iei sacul de faina in spinare si te sui in copac. Ursul vine, vede oglinda si, curios, se admira. Ursul isi pipaie pectoralii si gandeste: "Ce muschiulos sunt!" Apoi isi pipai blana, spunandu-si: "Doamne, ce blana matasoasa am!"In timpul asta, tu, din copac, chiar deasupra lui, picuri cu faina pe spate, ca nu-i atent. Ursul se va intoarce putin cu spatele si se va admira: "Mama, ce fese tari am! Sunt mandria acestei paduri!" In timpul asta, ii dai cu faina pe burta, ca nu-i atent. Ursul se va intoarce din nou cu fata la oglinda si va observa ca e alb complet. "Te pomenesti ca sunt urs polar", va gandi el. In momentul ala, va observa si cubul de gheata: "E clar. Sunt urs polar! Si, daca sunt urs polar e logic sa stau pe gheata". Ursul se va aseza cu fundul pe cubul de gheata. Nefiind urs polar, va raci. Dupa ce raceste, il prinzi mai usor
Metoda logica de vanat crocodili:
Ustensile: Un sezlong, un volum de poezie contemporana, o luneta, o penseta, o cutiuta
Te duci pe malul Nilului, te intinzi pe sezlong, iei vol de poezie tanara si te apuci sa citesti. Fiind poezie tanara, adormi rapid. Crocodilul te vede si-si zice: "Hopa! Micul dejun" Se apropie si da sa te manance, moment in care observa vol de poezie contemporana si, curios, incepe sa-l rasfoiasca. Fiind poezie tanara, adoarme imediat. Tu, care-ai adormit inaintea lui, logic, te si trezesti inaintea lui. Iei luneta, o tii invers si te uiti la crocodil. Iei penseta si-l pui in cutiuta

misterra

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just buttholes.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust and a minute of suspicion to destroy it.
I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more messed up than you think.
I've learned that it's taking me a long time to sleep with the person I want.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. You may need to borrow money.
I've learned that either you control your attitude or you will be offered medication.
I've learned that money is a great substitute for character.
I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the ones who do so.
I've learned that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean you can't take advantage of them when they're passed out and naked in your bed.
I've learned that your family won't always be there for you. Unless, of course, you win the lottery.
I've learned that no matter how good a guy is, he'll eventually revert.
I've learned that no matter how badly your heart is broken, therapy is still expensive.
I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
I've learned that two people can screw the exact same person and compare notes.
I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. And all the less important ones just never go away.
I've learned to say "Screw 'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

Ramses3

Umor negru.

Cat de mincinoasa e natura, gandi ariciul dandu-se jos de pe un cactus

Ramses3

Noapte cu stele, doi in iarba, se aude o voce visatoare de fata:
- Ioane, ma iubesti?
- Da ce crezi ca fac acum!

camprost

Georgesca vine intr-o zi la birou si zice -Fetelor aseara ma bag in pat cu barbatul sa facem si noi ceva.Pun mana pe testicule.Mah si erau reci ca gheata.
A doua zi Ioneasca zice si ea:Si noi ne-am bagat in pat ,am pus mina si erau tot reci ca gheata.
A treia  zi apare Popeasca cu ochii vineti si batuta mar.
-Ce ai patit draga?
Pai ma bag si eu in pat cu barbatul,pun mina si erau fierbinti,fierbinti.
Atunci zic:Ce fierbinti sunt testiculele tale.Ale lui Georgescu si Ionescu sunt reci ca gheata.

Ramses3

Doi narcomani stau si ranjesc in 335, la o statie se urca o babuta si cum locuri nu mai erau, il roaga pe unul din ei sa se scoale, dupa ce inteleg intrebarea, unul din ei pune mana pe celalalt protector:
- Mircea, stai linistit, stiu smecheria asta, daca tu te scoli, ea se aseaza in locul tau

Ramses3

Se casatoreste o blonda din Iasi cu sir John. Ajunsa in Anglia trimite scrisori acasa.

Dragii mei,

Sa va povestesc cate ceva despri mini si despri ce fac eu paici.

Luni:        Mergem la teatru, sotul meu are foarte multi bani, sotul meu are di toate, nu ni plictisim di loc
Marti:      Mergem la opera, sotul meu are acolo o logie, sotul meu are foarte multi bani, sotul meu are di toate, nu ni plictisim di loc
Miercuri:  Mergem la meci, si acolo sotul meu are o logie, sotul meu are foarte multi bani, sotul meu are di toate, nu ni plictisim di loc
Joi:         Mergem la cumparaturi, sotul meu imi cumpara di toate, sotul meu are foarte multi bani, sotul meu are di toate, nu ni plictisim di loc
Vineri:    Organizam seri caritabile, vin toti prietenii sotului meu, sotul meu are foarte multi prieteni, doneaza foarte multi bani, sotul meu are foarte multi bani, sotul meu are di toate, nu ni plictisim di loc
Sambata: Ni plimbam, vizitam, sotul meu are foarte multi bani, sotul meu are di toate, nu ni plictisim di loc
Duminica: Facem barbekiu, vin si prietenii sotului meu, ne facem cadouri reciproc, esti foarti frumos, sotul meu are foarte multi bani, sotul meu are di toate, nu ni plictisim di loc.

Cu drag,

PS: Mi-i dor di pu.la ca di mama

Ramses3

Banc sec

Merge Namceface pe o cararuie de munte si se intalneste cu Pierdevara, merg ei ce mai merg si vad un cort in care cineva dormea si i se iteau picioarele afara. Se apuca amandoi sa-l gadile, il gadila juma de ora, o ora, deja se facuse seara, cand se uita ei in cort, acolo dormea Madoarenpu.la