Bancul Zilei

Pariu?

Un batran la doctor


Un batran de 90 de ani ii spune doctorului sau:

"Nu m-am simtit niciodata atat de bine. Am o mireasa de 18 ani cu care voi avea un copil. Ce ziceti de asta?"

Doctorul se gandeste un minut la intrebarea lui si apoi spune:
"Am un prieten mai in varsta care este vanator si nu lipseste de la nici un sezon. Intr-o zi cand se cam grabea a luat umbrela in loc sa ia pusca. Cand a ajuns la locul de vanatoare, a vazut un iepure care statea langa un rau. Si-a ridicat umbrela, a facut 'bang, bang' si iepurele a cazut mort la pamant. Ce zici de asta?"

Batranul raspunde: "Eu as zice ca altcineva i-a omorat iepurele."

Doctorul: "Exact."

asd

Ba intotdeauna mi-a placut bancul asta...chiar e super!!...bv ovi !!...

tzoshqito

Un cuplu in varsta sta ca intotdeauna pentru micul dejun pe terasa. Deodata se apleaca sotia peste masa si ii trage sotului una de-l lipeste cu spatele de scaun. O vreme e liniste, apoi intreaba batranul mirate ce ai facut asta? - Pentru 45 ani de sex nereusit. El sta pe g⮤uri afundat scaun. Dupa o vreme se ridica si ii trage ei una peste cap de o zboara cu tot cu scaun de pe terasa. - Da' tu de ce ai facut asta? zbiara ea la el. - De unde stii tu diferenta dintre un sex reusit si unul nereusit?

25

GirlsVsBoys
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BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring?
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

25

A new lady teacher came to teach 8th standard students. As it was the first day, she gave her intro, and asked all the students to introduce themselves with name and hobby. She said, "Let's start with the boys first."

First boy: "My name is John, and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher was confused to listen but said, "Interesting. Well, Ok. In fact we must be honest in telling the hobby. And after all there is essentially a child in each of us. So it's ok John. Yes next."
Second boy: "Myself Peter and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher now got surprised and said, "Good. I like the spirit of supporting a friend. Ok next."
Third boy: "I'm Smith and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."
Teacher: "Guys are you joking or what? Please be sincere. Ok next."
This continues, and the last boy stands up "I'm Harry and my hobby is to see bubble in the bathtub."

Exhausted, the teacher said, "I don't think I will be able to teach un-grown boys for long. Anyway, now the girls please." First girl: "I'm Julie and my hobby is to see birds." Teacher: "Good. At last I got something different. Ok next." Second girl: "I'm Ruby and I like to collect perfumes." Teacher "Now it's like educated grown up girls. Ok next.
You sweet girl;
Yes you..."

Most beautiful girl of the class:
"Mam, my name is Bubble, and my hobby is to take bath three times a day."

25

Do you know the full form of A B C D E F G ???

  A Boy Can Do Everything For Girl

Now can anyone guess the full form of G F E D C B A ???

  Girls Forget Everything Done & Catches (new) Boy Again......

SO BE AWARE !!! :-)



:)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
)))))))))))))))))

25

A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."

DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."

MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."

DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."

MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree"

DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."

MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts"

DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting): "Which one?"

MAN (innocently): "How am i supposed to know? All bees look the same to me."

25

About a century or two ago, the Pope decided that all the Sikhs had to leave Italy. Naturally there was a big uproar from the Sikh community.

So the Pope made a deal. He would have a religious debate with a member of the Sikh community. If the Sikh won, the Sikhs could stay. If the Pope won, the Sikhs would leave.

The Sikhs realized that they had no choice. So they picked a middle-aged man named Harbinder Singh to represent them. Harbinder asked for one additional condition to the debate. To make it more interesting, neither side would be allowed to talk since the Pope spoke only Latin and Harbinder spoke only Punjabi. The Pope agreed.

The day of the great debate came. Harbinder Singh and the Pope sat opposite each other for a full minute. Then the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Harbinder looked back at him and raised one finger. The Pope waved his fingers in a circle around his head. Harbinder pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope pulled out a wafer and a glass of wine. Harbinder pulled out an apple.

The Pope stood up and said, "I give up. This man is too good. The Sikhs can stay."

An hour later, the cardinals were gathered around the Pope asking him what had happened. The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Holy Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions. Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground and showing that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us from our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What could I do?"

Meanwhile, the Sikh community had crowded around Harbinder Singh. "What happened?" they asked. "Well," said Harbinder, "First he said to me that the Sikhs had three days to get out of here. I told him not one of us was leaving. Then he told me that this whole city would be cleared of Sikhs. I let him know that we were staying right here." "Yes, and then???" asked the crowd. "I don't know", said Harbinder, "He took out his lunch, and I took out mine!!"

maya_geea

un explorator e prins de canibali si legat strans de un par. in timp ce canibalii au facut hora in jurul lui si al focului si jucau dansul chifetelelor si al ciorbei, omul nostru era disperat sa scape.la un moment dat aude o voce in spatele lui:
-vrei sa scapi din parul asta?
-da , zice el pe sustache neputand intorcandu-se
-pai...beleste p***
-pai nu pot ca-s legat la maini cum s-o belesc?
-picioarele-s legate?
-nu , zice exploratorul
-bun, atunci il vezi pe seful canibalilor?
-da
-cand trece pe langa tine da-i un sut fioros in c**
zis si facut.trece canibalul pe langa explorator isi ia asta avant si ii da una de-l tranteste pe sef fix in multimea holbata de canibali. astia ,initial stupefiati, se pregatesc sa se arunce pe bietul om. la care vocea din spate:
-ei, vezi ca se beleste p*** si legat la maini?

25

Cow Business :))

DEMOCRATIC

   * You have two cows.
   * Your neighbor has none.
   * You feel guilty for being successful.
   * Barbara Streisand sings for you.

[edit]
REPUBLICAN

   * You have two cows.
   * Your neighbor has none.
   * So?

[edit]
SOCIALIST

   * You have two cows.
   * The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
   * You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.

[edit]
COMMUNIST

   * You have two cows.
   * The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
   * You wait in line for hours to get it.
   * It is expensive and sour.

[edit]
CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE

   * You have two cows.
   * You sell one,
   * buy a bull,
   * and build a herd of cows.

[edit]
BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

   * You have two cows.
   * Under the new farm program,
   * the government pays you to shoot one,
   * milk the other,
   * and then pours the milk down the drain.

[edit]
AMERICAN CORPORATION

   * You have two cows.
   * You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
   * You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows.
   * You are surprised when one cow drops dead.
   * You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
   * Your stock goes up.

[edit]
FRENCH CORPORATION

   * You have two cows.
   * You go on strike because you want three cows.
   * You go to lunch and drink wine.
   * Life is good.

[edit]
JAPANESE CORPORATION

   * You have two cows.
   * You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow
   * and produce twenty times the milk.
   * They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
   * Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

[edit]
GERMAN CORPORATION

   * You have two cows.
   * You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer,
   * give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
   * Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

[edit]
ITALIAN CORPORATION

   * You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
   * While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
   * You break for lunch.
   * Life is good.

[edit]
RUSSIAN CORPORATION

   * You have two cows.
   * You have some vodka.
   * You count them and learn you have five cows.
   * You have some more vodka.
   * You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
   * The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

[edit]
TALIBAN CORPORATION

   * You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
   * You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
   * You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

[edit]
IRAQI CORPORATION

   * You have two cows.
   * They go into hiding.
   * They send radio tapes of their mooing.

[edit]
POLISH CORPORATION

   * You have two bulls.
   * Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.

[edit]
BELGIAN CORPORATION

   * You have one cow.
   * The cow is schizophrenic.
   * Sometimes the cow thinks he's French, other times he's Flemish.
   * The Flemish cow won't share with the French cow.
   * The French cow wants control of the Flemish cow's milk.
   * The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
   * The cow dies happy.

[edit]
FLORIDA CORPORATION

   * You have a black cow and a brown cow.
   * Everyone votes for the best looking one.
   * Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
   * Some people vote for both.
   * Some people vote for neither.
   * Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.
   * Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

[edit]
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

   * You have millions of cows.
   * They make real California cheese.
   * Only five speak English.
   * Most are illegals.
   * Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.


=))))))

25

A middle aged man bought a brand new convertible Porsche. He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.

"This is great," he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a Police Car behind him, blue lights flashing.

"I can get away from him with no problem" thought the man and he floored it some more, and flew down the road at over 210 km/hr to escape being stopped. Then he thought, What the hell am I doing? I'm too old for this kind of thing" and pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the Police car to catch up with him.

The Policeman pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver's side. "Sir, my Shift ends in five minutes and today is Friday the 13th. "If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before as to why you were speeding, I'll let you go." The man looked back at the Policeman and said,

"Last week my wife ran off with a Policeman and I thought you were bringing her back."

The Policeman said, "Have a nice day, sir"


:)))))))))
=))))))))

asd

O femeie engleza isi petrece vacanta de vara in Elvetia. In timpul uneia din plimbarile sale, familia a remarcat o vila, care le parea potrivita pentru viitoarea lor vacanta.
Membrii familiei aconteaza vila, proprietarul fiind un pastor protestant. Intoarsa in Anglia doamna isi da seama ca nu a vazut WC-ul. Avand in vedere mrticulozitatea engleza, ea se hotaraste sa scrie pastorului, rugandul sa o informeze asupra acestui subiect:
''Stimate pastor,
Sunt doamna care cu cateva zile inainte, a acontat vila dvs.Eu nu am vazut WC-ul. Fiti amabila si informati-ma asupra acestui subiect''
Primind scrisoarea, pastorul nefamiliarizat cu limba engleza, nu intelege prescurtarea WC. Crezand ca este vorba de o secta anglicana care avea capela in imprejurimi numita William Chapel el raspunde:
''Stimata doamna,
Am primit scsrisoarea dvs. si am placerea sa va informez ca locul care va intereseaza se gaseste la numai 10 km de casa. Este un loc foarte placut din care cauza este frecventat de foarte multa lume. Se poate ajunge acolo la orele programate pentru a nu ramane pe dinafara si pentru a nu deranja cei veniti mai devreme. Pentru cei care au obiceiul sa stea mai mult acolo este bine sa aiba la ei si ceva de mancare. In local incap 40 de persoane asezate si 100 in picioare. Localul are aer conditionat pentru a se evita mirosurilr neplacute, iar scaunele sunt capitonate cu catifea rosie.
Copii stau alaturi de parintii lor si canta-n cor. La intrare tuturor li se da o foaie de hartie. Foile trebuie inapoiate celui care este insarcinat cu aceasta.
Pe cat posibil foile sa fie nesifonate pentru ca ele sa fie utilizate si in urmatoarele dati, cel putin o luna.
Localul este prevazut cu amplificatoare mari si puternice pentru ca sunetele sa poata fi auzite si afara.

asd

O tipa blonda superba, la volanul unei masini de lux, opreste la semafor. Apare ,,aurolacul'' de zona si-i cere o tigara. Blonda i-o ofera imediat ca sa scape de el. Intre timp, se face verde si tipa pleaca in tromba.
La urmatorul semafor, in mod absolut ciudat, acelasi individ:
- Doamna da-mi si un foc...
Tipa ii da bricheta cu totul, ca sa-l vada plecat de langa portiera si pleca mai departe.
La al treilea semafor spre exasperarea blondei, din nou acelasi individ:
- Doamna, ai fost atat de buna cu mine incat, daca imi dai si 10.000 de lei, te invat sa iesi din giratoriu!!!...

ULTRAS_86

tare banc!!!

VexX

bun bancul...bine ales, admin

cainerosupoe

Un mare fan sTEAUA intra intr-un video club si intreaba:
-Exista caseta ''Echipa sTEAUA invingatoare''?
Vanzatoarea raspunde:
- Uitati-va in dreapta, poate exista in rubrica Science Fiction.

cainerosupoe

Nu vi se pare ca, de la o vreme, pastila sau lama de Orbit a devenit moneda de 1500 - 3000 de lei?
Mie asa mi se pare, pentru ca, daca restul care trebuie sa-l primesc e sub 5000 de lei, ma trezesc cu guma`n brate, fara sa ma mai intrebe nimeni daca macar mananc guma...
Azi, am coborat la magazinu` de pe colt, sa-mi iau tigari. 49.000 pachetu. Nu`s genu` care sa astept o mie de lei, da` tura asta vroiam sa i`o coc vanzatoarei cu pricina...Asa ca ma uitam la ea, care se misca cu viteza melcului turbat, in speranta ca plec si`i las mia...
Eu nimic, bagasem pachetul in buzunar, ma uitam la ea, si asteptam restul.
- Stiti, n`am o mie, si`mi intinde o pastila de orbit.
- Da` nu mai bine`mi dati o pastila de Mentos? intreb eu, stiind ce va urma.
- Pai aia e 2 mii, imi da replica.
In conditiile astea, scot din buzunar alta pastila de Orbit (primita cu o seara inainte) i`o intind si`i cer o pastila de Mentos, ca eu vreau Mentos, nu Orbit, si nu conteaza ca nici Mentos nu mananc, conteaza ca,
daca Orbit a devenit moneda, vreau sa circule in ambele directii, nu numai de la vanzatori la clienti...
Aia deja`si cauta falcile pe jos...Cascase niste ochi ca la melc...
- Pai...
- Pai ce? Adica mie`mi dai rest Orbit, da` daca ti`l dau inapoi nu`i bun?
Liniste. Se consulta cu colegele din priviri.
- In cazul asta, nu`mi mai da rest la 100.000, da`mi pastile de Orbit, ca sa nu`mi mai puta gura.
Dupa semnele de aprobare primite, ia pastila mea de Orbit, si`mi da un Mentos.
Am luat Mentosul.
Astept acum sa n`am 2000 vreodata

zayo

cainerosupoe: copy paste fara jena. ai putea macar sa mentionezi sursa: este un post din blogul lui VisUrat ***/2006/11/24/guma-orbit-cu-surprize/)

zayo

a se inlocui stelutele cu http: // visurat. ro   :-)

stzellaz

super smeker =)))))))))

danutza

Pe strada un prieten il intreaba pe Bula:
- Ce ai Bula in sacul ala?
Bula: - Soareci!
- Si de ce il tot scuturi?
Bula: - Ca sa nu se organizeze si sa-mi roada sacul.

danutza

Bula la scoala:
- Ce meserie au parintii vostri? intreaba profesoara.
- Tata e inginer, zice Gheorghe.
- Tata e mecanic, zice Ionel.
- Tata e sef, zice Bula.
- Cum asa Bula? intreaba, mirata, profa.
- Are 500 de oameni sub el!
- Cu ce se ocupa, deci? (profesoara, exasperata)
- Taie iarba-n cimitir.

danutza

Bula in armata primeste o scrisoare de la nevasta-sa. O deschide in fata colegilor si toti incep sa rada.
- Auzi, Bula de ce nu e scris nimic pe foaie? Ce nevasta-ta nu stie sa scrie?
- Nu ba, suntem certati si nu vorbim.

danutza

Se duce tatal lui Bula la maternitate sa-l ia de acolo.
- Am venit sa-mi iau copilul acasa.
Doctorul cu privirea in pamant:
- Dom'le mai bine ni-l lasati noua aici... ca sa-l crestem intr-un centru pt. copii cu probleme...
- Nu se poate, il iau acasa.
- Bine, dar stiti ar fi o problema, nu are picioare.
- Asta e... Il iau si asa.
- Ar mai fi o problema, nu are nici maini.
- Domnule ... asta este, il iau acasa.
- Nu intelegeti...are decat capul.... incredibil, dar supravietuieste....
- Da domle, il iau asa... ce sa mai.
Dupa 10 ani in dimineata de Craciun se deschide usa camerei lui Bula, iasa afara rostogolindu-se, cade pe scari, din treapta in treapta, ajunge sub brad, isi deschide cadoul cu dintii si exclama nervos:
- Baga-mi-as ****, iar caciula!

Mimisor

am chef de bancuri bune azi.. :*


Q: Ce fredoneaza un arab intr-un autobuz plin cu evrei?
A: "TOATA LUMEA, TOATA LUMEA, SARE ACUM CU MINE !!!"
 

Un tip intra intr-o farmacie. Multa lume, inghesuiala.
- Nu va suparati, va rog sa ma lasati sa intru in fata ca am pe cineva la pat.
Oamenii cumsecade ii fac loc si ajunge la ghiseu. Tipul se apleaca la ghiseu si spune:
- Vreau si io 3 prezervative

Mimisor

Intr-un salon de reanimare, toti conectati la aparate de mentinere a vietii. Electricianul baga capul pe usa :
- Baieti, luati o gura mare de aer ca schimb o siguranta!



Un inginer agronom, oltean scolit la Bucuresti si in strainatate, se destainuie reporterului de la TV cu mult naduf in glas:
- Anul trecut semanaram varza pa 5 hectarre; dar o mancara omizile. Anul asta semanaram 10 hectare si iar o mancara omizile!
- Si ce masuri veti lua? intreaba reporterul TV.
- Anul viitor o sa punem varza pe 20 de hectare. Sa se sature,' rar ele ale dracului!!!

stzellaz

-De ce te-au bagat la inchisoare?
-Pentru mita.
-De ce te-au eliberat?
-Pentru mita.

stzellaz

Acuzat, ridica-te in picioare. Voi pronunta sentinta. Juriul te-a declarat, in unanimitate, vinovat. Te condamn la douazeci de ani inchisoare. Doresti sa mai adaugi ceva?
- Fereasca Dumnezeu, domnule judecator, mai curand as voi sa mai scad.

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stzellaz

Doi prieteni se refugiaza din cauza ploii intr-un bar. Isi beau ei berile in liniste, in timp ce privesc pe geam.
-E binevenita ploaia asta pentru pamant, spuse unul dintre ei.Totul va renaste acum din nou.
-Nu ma speria! spune celalalt. Tocmai mi-am inmormantat soacra...

stzellaz

Citeste ziarul, citeste necrologul...uita-te bine, toti oamenii pe care ii vezi acolo au crezut k si maine mai e o zi....gandeste-te k si maine mai e o zi....sau poate nu....asa ca....traieste clipa....nu ziua d maine....

stzellaz

Prietenia e lucrul cel mai greu de explicat. Nu este ceva ce se poate invata la scoala, dar daca nu ai invatat ce inseamna prietenia inseamna ca nu ai invatat nimic."

stzellaz

Daca ar stii barbatii cate se pot obtine cu o lacrima ar fi mai fericiti,iar noi i-am jefui mai putin.

stzellaz

Visul pe care il visezi singur ramine un vis, visul pe care il visezi cu altii devine realitate.

stzellaz

Ca să te joci de–a dragostea trebuie să dovedeşti că ai inimă”.
(J. Cocteau)
Ø “Cînd femeia întîrzie la o întîlnire motivul e machiajul, nu memoria”. (J. C. Harvey)
Ø “Nimeni nu e prea bun şi puţini sunt suficient de buni”.
Ø “Poarta îngustă şi drumul drept sunt greu de găsit”. (Sfîntul Matei)
Ø “Ceea ce–ţi trebuie vei găsi în ceea ce ai”.
Ø “Viaţa este un deşert în care femeia este o cămilă”. (proverb arab)
Ø “După ce o femeie îţi dăruieşte inima, nu prea ai cum să mai scapi de restul corpului”. (John Vanbrugh)
Ø “Femeia e ca îmgheţata : dacă n – o mănînci repede, se topeşte”. (Bisanne de Soleil)
Ø „Gîndeşte de două ori înainte să vorbeşti şi vei vorbi de două ori mai bine”. (Plutarh)

Convulsie

Puzzles

1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.

The first is full of raging fires,
the second is full of assassins with loaded guns,
and the third is full of lions that havent eaten in 3 years.

Which room is safest for him?

2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?

3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?

4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?

5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?

6. This is an unusual paragraph. Im curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.





Answers:

1. The third. Lions that havent eaten in three years are dead.

2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.

3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.

4. The answer is Charcoal.

5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow

6. The letter "e," which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph

25

sursa ***

A plins traducatorul!

Selecţionerul Japoniei, bosniacul Ivica Osim, şi-a insultat jucătorii la vestiare, după remiza cu Qatar de la Cupa Asiei (1-1). Injuriile au fost atît de grave, încît traducătorul angajat de federaţie, Zen Chida, n-a rezistat umilinţei la care au fost supuşi conaţionalii săi şi, în loc să-şi facă meseria, s-a pus pe plîns.

=))))))))))))))))) super tare